A breaking heart...

It has happened again.

I don't know that I can fully explain why or how it happens, but my heart is breaking again. Except, this time it's not for me.

Despite my best attempts to appear tough and strong, I have always been a bit of a softy. You see, I just break a little every time I see someone hurting. And, it has happened again.

An acquaintance from church (hopefully a budding friendship...just because I think she is awesome) is hurting right now. She and her husband, much like Darrin and I, have been trying to conceive for some time now. Sure, it hasn't been all that long in the grand scheme of things, but I can promise you this; it's forever when you are the one trying. Anyway, they thought they were going to have some good news for Christmas. She got a positive pregnancy test. However, only a few short weeks into the pregnancy, and things just weren't right. Blood work has now confirmed it. Miscarriage.

That has to be one of the ugliest words I know. Medically speaking, it's "spontaneous abortion." The baby, for any number of reasons, reason we may never know, has stopped growing. It is no longer living. And yet, it's still there. At least for the time being. The hormones are still there, reeking havoc on a woman as they try to deal with the reality. We will never know this child.

Every time I hear of another woman going through miscarriage, my heart breaks again. It seems that the raw emotions find a way to climb to the surface again and attack any sort of normalcy I have restored. I remember the joy of finding out that we were expecting. I remember the anticipation. I remember the discussions about names, and clothes, and bedding...all of the conversations and plans. And then I remember the pain.

Not physical. But as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, thrown to the floor, and trampled on.

I wouldn't wish miscarriage on anyone. Not my worst enemy, and certainly not a friend.

A this point, all I can do is go back to that place again. The place where I wasn't sure I would ever come back from. A place of despair. A place of disappointment. A place of anger. A place of constant tears. A place where I wasn't sure my faith would survive.

To be honest, I am not really sure how I came out of that place, except to say that the love and support of my friends and family, and the prayers of countless people made all of the difference.

I wish I could fix it all. I wish that I could take the pain away from my friend, and tell her that everything was going to be alright. I wish that I could give her all of the right answers, but there are none. We must all heal. At our own pace, and in our own ways.

God,

I ask that you wrap Your loving arms around her. Pull her close to You. Remind her that You have not left her or forsaken her, and that You are carrying her now. Give her the peace that she so desperately seeks, and the wisdom to take the next steps. This is one of the ugliest, messiest parts of life, filled with deep pain. Only You have the power to overcome this. Please guide and protect her, not letting Satan get an upper hand. Restore some of the joy of Christmas in her heart. This situation makes no sense to any of us, but we know and trust that You can and will make BEAUTIFUL things out of our pain. We love You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

He did it!!!!!

This weekend was the Christmas musical at church. Every year, this is one of my favorite Sundays! I just love watching all of the kids up on stage. They are all different, and oh so entertaining.

First, there's the ham. You know, the one who is REALLY putting on a show for everyone. Then there's the shy one. They are up on stage, but only because they have been threatened. Next, you have the kid with no rhythm. I particularly love this kid. It never fails. When they are swaying to the music, this is the kid who is going in the opposite direction, and working had to keep the clapping on beat (to no avail). There's also plenty of the other kids who are just kind of...average. You know. The ones who are just kind of indifferent. They kind of like the songs, but really don't care about being on stage

Each of the kids help to make the production memorable, and I love each of them!

Kris has always been the shy one. He dreaded getting on stage, and we even had to make a deal with his cousins to help us out. If they would go, so would Kris. Well, then. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that Kris had actually tried out for a solo. A SOLO!!!!

I knew about this from fairly early on, and all I could do was pray that he would actually do it. I couldn't help it. I just knew that he would practice and practice, only to get up on stage...in front of everyone...and then freak out or freeze.

I was wrong!

Granted, it was just a small, two-line solo. But he did it! And he did a great job!!!

Many of you probably think that I am just being the typical mom here, bragging about my baby. But you have to understand. THIS IS A BIG DEAL!!!

Up until now, Kristopher wouldn't do anything like this. He was just too shy. Anytime we are in public, he has always just kind of stood back and observed. I usually have to push or pry in order to get much out of him.

But this was ALL him.

I am so happy to see him coming out of his shell! And, yes, proud of him for doing such a good job. He knew his cue. He stepped up the the microphone. And he sang his lines clearly and on key! Yeah!!!!!!

Good job, "Munch!" I'm so proud of you!!!!!

I just realized that it's been a while since my last post. So, now the trouble is...finding something profound enough to write about. Haha!

Okay, so it doesn't really have to be all that profound.

Wow! Where has the year gone? Seriously. It's just so hard to believe that 2010 is almost over, and 2011 is looming with all of the new possibilities that a new year brings. But we can focus on that a little later.

For now, let's focus on CHRISTMAS!!!

Christmas is coming. 22 days to be exact. WOW!!!

Lights on the house? CHECK

Tree up and decorated? CHECK

Presents bought? CHECK (...well some of them anyway)

Wrapped and under the tree? NOPE. (That will happen a little later.)

I love this time of year. It's just fun for me. I love shopping for others. On the hunt for that perfect gift, and then wrapping it and trying to keep it a secret until Christmas morning. It's just so exciting! Not to mention that I get to drag out my Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, and others. Good ole classic Christmas!

No snow yet, but I am sure there will be soon.

For now, we just have to start getting used to the colder weather.

Are you ready for Christmas yet???

And we're off...again!

Well...I finally did it. I made an appointment to go back to our specialist today.

Darrin and I had decided to take a little time off from any kind of treatments, hoping that if we would just relax, things would just happen. Well...still no baby, so it's time to re-evaluate. After lots of discussion, Darrin and I have decided to start our treatments again and hope for the best.

So...anyone want to make a financial donation? Haha!

Seriously, though, it's not cheap, but we are trying to be responsible about it all. Talking with the doctor today, we decided that we would go back to the medication I had been using. After all, we know that it worked once. It just didn't end so well. The good news is, the doc has agreed to let us skip some of the monitoring that we had been doing. (Have I mentioned how much I love my doc?) This is HUGE! Our last round of treatment cost us approx $1200 with all of the monitoring. Skipping that will mean that we only have to pay for the medication. That's at least a $600 savings! The meds are still high, but it's a lot more manageable. This could mean the difference between doing 4-5 rounds of treatment as opposed to only 2. I'll take those increased odds! :o)

So, here we go again.

Hoping for the best.

Praying for a miracle.

Please pray with us and for us. The more prayers, the better. :o)

Diving in

We're gonna do it.

We've been asked to share our story, and we've decided to go for it.

I would be lying if I said that I was totally excited. Truth is, I am terrified. But, you know what? It's not about me.

So, the prayer is this; God, use our story. Help it to touch even one life. Help us to keep the focus on you instead of us. Help us to show others that they are not alone. It's not all daisies and roses. There are bad times, but we can make it through. Give us the strength that we don't have on our own; strength enough to for others who need us.

So, if you have a few minutes, please say a prayer for us. We have prepared a rough draft of our story, and there may be more work that needs done. Pray that we have find the right words to share, and that we don't let anxiety or fear get in the way of what God has planned.

Whew! I can't believe I agreed to do this. But I know that I have the support of my family and friends. Especially Darrin. (I don't know what I would do without him.) So...here goes nothing.

We're diving in...

Decisions, decisions...

Every day.

More decisions to be made.

Some are just little things that need to be decided. You know, the kind of things that don't make a whole lot of difference one way or the other. What should I wear today? Where should I have lunch? What should I watch on TV? But, then there are the other decisions that have to be made. The ones that could potentially impact much more than our small little personal bubble. Things that could affect those around us in ways more profound that we could ever imagine.

I was reminded of this again this weekend.

It seems that my ramblings in this blog has touched more people than I ever realized. And, I was so blessed to have someone tell me what my writings did for them. Wow! That's all I can really say.

When I started writing this blog, I didn't even think about the possibility that it would touch or affect anyone but myself. I just thought that it would be a good way for me to release. You know, let go of all of the crazy thoughts and emotions running through me on a given day. Just write them down, get them out, and then move on. But, thanks to a few friends (and a couple of strangers) I am beginning to realize that it's not just about me.

While I know that I have lived a blessed life thus far, there have been circumstances that I would have rather not happened. The most obvious (and most mentioned in my blog) is our struggle with infertility. I don't understand what is happening, or why it is happening, but I have been very open about all of the struggles and emotion that has come with it. And now, I have to decide again...do I share or not?

There is no new news to be shared at this point, but I have been asked to give my testimony about the struggles we have faced, and how we have made it this far through. It seems like a simple decision, right? I have already spilled my guts on here. Surely it's not that hard to do it again. Well, that's not entirely true.

You see, as much as I love talking with people, I do not like anything that remotely resembles public speaking. Ugh! I can still remember barely making it through Public Address in college. It was my least liked class (even though I loved the prof) even behind accounting. ACCOUNTING!!! See what I mean? Standing in front of people and talking...it's just so much easier for me in smaller settings. But, sometimes, God likes us to move out of what is comfortable and move in to a "riskier" arena allowing Him to do HIS work.

It's so hard, though!

I trust that He is in control and that He has a plan for it all, but the human side of me keeps thinking of how uncomfortable it is going to be. I mean, I might stumble over my words. I might ramble on. I might cry in front of people (something I detest)!

So...here I am. Praying about what I should do, and asking that you all pray for and with me. It seems like such a simple little thing, but it's a big deal to me. And, most importantly, I want to make sure that I don't chicken out of something that God wants to use.

So...I know I'm a slacker

Yes...I know. I haven't even looked at this blog in over a month. It's not that I haven't wanted to. It's just simply...life.

It seems that I have been so busy in the past month that I don't have time to do a whole lot of sitting down and reflecting. Instead, I am running here and there, trying to get people where they need to be (including myself) on time. For example, let's look at yesterday. I woke up thinking it was going to be a fairly normal day. I got Kris to school and myself to work without a hitch. Then, I made it home in time to eat a late lunch, turn around to pick up Kris from school, run and errand to Target, head back to the school to pick up my nieces, take Avery to softball practice, take Maddie to her parents and pick up my mom, take my little cousin to his mom, pick up my uncle at the bus stop, take him to his appointment, grab a bite to eat, take my uncle back home, get home and get Kris to bed by 9pm. Whew! I'm tired just typing all of that.

Things aren't always quite that crazy, but it's still very busy. And, with Christmas being only 2 months away, it's bound to get even busier. Time to get started on the gift shopping.

The funny thing is...I love this time of year. I know that I will be constantly on the move, but I love the shopping for gifts, and I love the cool weather. This is my time of year.

I just hope that I can keep up. :o)

Have you ever had one of those days?

Well, have you?

You know. The one where everything is fine...just a normal day. And then, out of the blue - tears.

Well, that was me on Wednesday. It's funny, really. I can only now talk about it without tearing up again. I don't even know why I was so emotional. It just kind of hit me. I had had an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary. No mean people at work. And then, some plans fell through in the evening. No big deal. Really. I am a pretty "go-with-the-flow" kind of gal, so things like that usually just roll off my back. But this time, I had to get back to my car as soon as possible to avoid crying in front of other people.

Now, know that I am not one to worry if anyone is seeing me cry. That is, if there is a good reason. That's what made this all the worse. There was no reason. Something about the evening just made me want to cry.

Luckily, I was able to make it to my car without bursting into tears. And, in all honesty, I didn't even have a full melt down. Just a couple of tears that were ready to escape. Still, I couldn't help but think, "This is just silly! Why am I crying?" And there were no answers.

It's one of the strangest parts of being a woman. And to be honest, one of my least favorite parts too. Oh well...life goes one. I am sure this was not the last case of spontaneous tears in my lifetime.

It has happened again...

Another pregnancy.

No..not for me. But another pregnancy.

I don't know how to say it without sounding like a whiny little baby, but WHY???

Here we are, still trying. It's been 5 years now. FIVE YEARS! Still no baby.

I just don't understand it all. My husband and I have done everything right. Even financially. Currently, we are taking a break from treatments just so we can recoup a little bit from the cost of it all. We were discussing options last night, and it's just not a pretty picture.

Oral medication + required monitoring + IUI = $1200 each month

Injectible meds + required monitoring + IUI = $4500 each month

IVF = $12,000 per round + meds

Adoption = $14,000 average

No matter which way we look at it, the costs just keep going up. And yet, the desire is still as strong as ever. But my spirit is weak.

Each time I hear of another friend or acquaintance getting pregnant, I break a little. Those who have been trying for a long time, I can relate to, and I am genuinely happy for them. But it still hurts. Not quite as bad as the others, though. You know...the ones who weren't trying. The ones who didn't want kids. The ones who it "just happened" for. The ones who say it was a "total accident." Those are the ones that hurt the most.

I know that it's not intentional. I can't expect every person I know to come to me first out of sensitivity. But I just don't get it. Why does it work so easily for them? Why did it work so easily for us the first time around? Only to be such a long and difficult journey this time?

And then it hits me. I want things to be FAIR.

Or do I?

If life were fair, and God were fair, where would that leave me? I can tell you...it would leave me in despair and pain, with no hope for anything better.

You see, God isn't fair. If He were, there would be no room for GRACE.

If God were fair, we would get what we deserve...and that isn't a good thing.

Pastor hit me with that a few weeks ago in a Sunday morning service. And, boy-oh-boy, did it hit hard. I have been sitting here all this time whining about how "it's just not fair." But that's not how God works. He didn't cause this to happen to us. But He is using it. As much as I hurt, and as deep as my desire runs, God is working. He has been refining me.

Growing empathy for others.
Developing compassion.
Testing my patience.
Asking me to trust.

I still have no idea where this journey is taking me, and I am still struggling with the pain I find along the way. But I have to stay focused. Not focused on our goal of conceiving a child, but on HIM. I know that I will still hurt. I know that I will still struggle with wanting things to be "fair." But I, now more than ever, am committing to God.

God, You know the desires of my heart. You know how deep it runs within me. I ask that you will bless us. But along the way, God, give me that peace that only you can provide. Grant me a calm and wisdom to move forward in the right direction.

Two paths...

Well...we have dealt with disappointment once again. No baby. It's been a rough month, and that was not the news we wanted, but there's nothing I can do to change it at this point.

So...now we have been discussing our options, trying to figure out what is the best path to take. Adoption has been moved a little closer to the front, but I have to admit, I'm still just not sure. While I am not opposed to adoption, I just can't shirk the feeling that I want to be PREGNANT again. I know that adoption is a great way to build a family, and there are so many children who needs loving homes, there's still that tug in my heart.

Money, however, is making it clear that we have to make a decision. We can save up and try a different treatment for infertility, or we can save up and adopt. There just doesn't seem to be much wiggle room. It's either or. And I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

I just don't know what to do. Either way, we are stepping out in faith, waiting for God to bless us with a child. But, I don't know that I am ready to just give up on conceiving. There's always that pesky question, "What if the next time is the one?" Then again, I could be asking that forever.

Please pray for us as we move forward towards the fork in the road. We need direction and peace.

Stressed? Yeah...you could say that.

The past few days have not been my best.

There seems to be so much going on lately, and none of it is desirable. First, we have been dealing with Grandma (husband's side). She is 91 years old, and is really starting to deteriorate. She was placed in the hospital for 3 days, moved to a nursing home, and then moved to another home. She is barely able to walk, if at all, and her mind is all but gone. Now, they have moved her again, to a more specialized facility...45 minutes away. The stress that this is putting on my mother-in-law is spilling over. She just doesn't know what to do anymore. Sadly, there's nothing she can do. All there is to do is wait. Wait...wait...wait.

Then, to top things off, we have found out that this month was not right for us either. No pregnancy. We made an appointment to visit with the doctor, and discuss our options. Sadly, every option is out of reach right now. We just can't continue with treatment. The financial cost is just too high for us right now. Even if we keep with the same treatment we have been using, it will cost around $1100 every month. The next step in treatment raises to $3000 every month. And, thanks to the fact that the state of Kansas does not mandate that insurance companies cover infertility diagnosis and treatment, we will receive NO help. I don't know how people do it. I know that there are people who are using these treatments, and have been for months. Even years. And I haven't even mentioned IVF (average cost in this area of $12,000 per cycle).

Needless to say, our family has been under a bit of stress in the past few weeks. It feels like prayers are going up...and hitting a wall. It's times like this when we struggle. Holding on dearly to the truths we know, and crying out for God, asking for even just a glimpse of His master plan.

"For I know the plans I hold for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to five you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

At times, it sure feels like something completely different. I don't exactly feel like my family or I are prospering. I don't know that we have a full grasp on hope.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Why do I have this desire, if it is not is His plan?

It's all so frustrating. I have been living my life, trying to please God, and doing my best to follow His guidance and instruction. And yet, I feel...ignored...tired...angry...sad...

God, I don't know what you have in store for me, or for my family. But please, give us clarity. Help us to know that we are not going through all of this in vain. Reassure us of Your plan. Give us peace in knowing that You are in control.

Disappinted by dishonesty

I have to say. I am disappointed.

I work hard trying to keep things in check. You know...trying to understand where others are coming from. I know that we are just mere humans on this earth, and there are things that we all do wrong. This being said, I detest dishonesty.

I find it difficult to understand why people feel they need to be dishonest over the smallest things in life. If you are sick, and just don't feel like going out, just tell me. If you don't agree with something I say, just tell me. If you want out of something that you committed to, just tell me. On most occasions, it's not that big of a deal. So, why do some of us (yes, I am including myself in this - I'm not perfect) feel the need to lie?

I find myself in yet another situation where, if people had just been honest up front, the entire situation would have been avoided. Instead, they felt that it was better to avoid and hide. Easier? Probably. Better? No!

And what really bothers me, is that it involves someone who claims to be a minister.

Disclaimer: I am not talking about any of the staff of my church. In fact, I don't know which church this minister is associated with.

Still...a minister. Really? This is a person who is supposed to be a shepherd. Bringing others to Christ, living as an example of Him. They are the teachers of religion and faith. They are supposed to lead the rest of us. I know that none of us are equal to Christ, but we're supposed to strive to be like Him. And, while I am not a Bible scholar, I don't recall Christ telling lies to avoid trouble. He did the exact opposite. Christ told truth no matter what the cost, all in love.

I just really disturbs me when I see things like this happening. I know, I know. We are all human. We all make mistakes. I just hope that this minister realizes that they are spinning a web of lies, and helping to tear down a part of His kingdom, and making it harder for Christians to reach others. Another unfortunate part of being human, is that we learn from experience. So, when we are lied to be those claiming to be followers of Christ, examples of Him, why would we want any part of that?

It's doubtful that the person I am speaking of will ever read this, and that's fine. I just needed to express my disappointment.

And, if you do read this, Minister...I am praying for you. Not in a discriminatory, spiteful manner, but in a spirit of love. I hope that you find whatever it is that you are needing to find. Just please try to remember, when you claim the name of Christ, you are an extension of Him. Strive to be like him.

Loving, honest, and faithful.

One last time...

I know that it's been a while since my last update. Summer has taken off quickly, and there hasn't been a lot of free time. But, i have to admit, I love it. Kris is in baseball, and having a good time. We're playing volleyball again through BRIDGES. And, somewhere...hopefully...we will squeeze in a little vacation time for the three of us. Yup...just the three of us.

By now, I was really hoping to be able to tell everyone that we were expecting a baby. However, I guess my plans haven't really lined up with what God has in store for us.

This past year has been an emotional roller coaster. Hormones are soaring to new heights, turning me in to a human slot machine. Pull the lever, and you never know what will turn up. Happy....happy....tears! Not exactly a jackpot situation.

Still, I have to admit, things could be worse.

The hardest thing that we are dealing with now is the reality that medical intervention is most likely coming to an end. Last month, after filling my prescription, we received a letter from our insurance stating that they would no longer be covering my medication as is it being used for fertility treatment. Nice. So...since the timing wasn't perfect, we are trying again this month, and paid $300 for five days of medication. Yup. That's right. $60 every morning. Gotta love it.

The cost of the medication, combined with the dominant follicle scans and other treatment raises the cost of one month to over $1000 - all out of pocket. Needless to say, we just can't afford to continue. Not if we want to be responsible adults and stay out of debt.

Emotionally, I am just about spent.
Psychologically, I keep fighting the doubts and fears, making me exhausted.
Spiritually, I have so many questions.

Questions like, "Why?"

Why are we going through this? We have done everything "right." We both waited until we were married for sex. We waited a couple of years before trying for our first to give us time to get used to being married. We got out of debt. We're raising our son to love Jesus. We're both Christians, members of our church and faithful attenders. We love being involved in the church, and serving. We took the right steps going to the doctor. First with our family doctor and then moving on to a specialist. A pregnancy. A miscarriage. Back to the doctor.

Why do I have this desire if God isn't going to fulfill it? Scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I truly believe that God has placed this desire within me. I just wish I knew why it wasn't being fulfilled.

Why are others able to conceive so easily?

Why am I surrounded by pregnant women?

The list of questions goes on and on. I don't know that I will ever know the answers this side of Heaven, but oh how I wish I could. I don't feel that I am loosing faith. I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for my life, and that He will use everything for good. I just wish I could have a glimpse. Some tiny morsel to prove to my human mind and emotion that it is all worth it.

But, then, I have to focus on now. This is a new month, and there are new things to be revealed. Maybe this is the month. Maybe this is God's timing. Maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.

Oh God. Please hear my plea. I know that your plan and timing are perfect. But I ask that you hear me. You know the deep desire we have for another child. Fulfill the desire of our hearts, and give us a child. Please bless our efforts, and guide the doctor as he advises us. Give all of us Your wisdom as we proceed. Thank you for hearing me. Thank for you blessing us with amazing friends and family who have been our support throughout. Thank you for loving me.

So...it's been a while since my last post.

I do plan on picking it all up again, but haven't made the time to sit down and blog. Keep checking in. I'll be posting again soon.

Spring...new beginnings

I guess it's true. Spring really is a time for new beginnings. Trees are budding. Flowers are blooming. And just about every woman I know is getting pregnant. (At least it seems that way.)

I have to admit, it's kind of hard. I have been wanting to have another baby for so long, so hearing about all these new pregnancies have kind of hit a raw nerve. Still, I really am happy for them. I know the joy of finding out you're pregnant. The excitement of telling others. The anticipation waiting for baby. Pregnancy is just amazing.

We are hoping that Spring will be good for us as well and that we will be able to feel the joy, excitement and anticipation again.

Still sending up prayers.

Back from a break

For those of you following...I'm still not pregnant.

Last month just didn't work out for us, and it seems that my meds were not working as well as hoped. So...this month, the doc has decided to increase my meds. I was totally okay with that, thinking, "Okay...they'll probably double it." Wrong! More like QUADRUPLE it. Yup. I will now be taking four times the medication.

Now, this doesn't seem like a good thing, but at this point, I am okay with whatever. Heck, I'd take 10 times the meds if it would work. The problem is, if this doesn't work, I don't know what we are going to do. Insurance does not cover ANY infertility treatments for me, so it is going to be all out of pocket. If these meds don't work, the next step would be injectibles. Last I checked, that can run upwards of $800-$1000 per month. Pretty sure we can't afford that.

So...we are still sending up prayers and hoping for the best. If I don't get pregnant soon, we'll have to re-evaluate and figure out what path to take. But that's the future. Right now, I am just trying to take it a day at a time (sometimes an hour at a time, minute by minute). Meds will start on Friday, and we have to wait and see if they are working.

In the mean time, I have been told of more pregnancies in my circle of friends, and asked to help plan a shower for another. While I am so happy about it all, it is a challenge to my emotions. Most days, I am perfectly fine. However, it seems that when I am least expecting it, the wall comes crashing down, and my emotions spill out along with big, salty tears. Then, I collect myself, and try to keep moving forward, leaning on the truth that God is using me in His unique and mysterious way.

For all of you who have been praying, please know that I deeply appreciate every word that you send to God. Please keep praying. I know that God is working here, and I have faith that He does answer prayers. For any of you who haven't ever prayed for me...please start now. The way I look at it, there is never too much prayer!

Prayers needed...

So...I find that I am getting more and more anxious.

I have an appointment this Saturday with our specialist. Looking to see if the meds are working, and preparing for the next step in our journey.

Please pray for us.

Still waiting...

Another month has gone by. Once again, the answer is "no", or at least "not yet."

We have been trying for so long, and were really thinking that this was going to be the month. Everything seemed to be working out. The HSG went without a hitch. The scan showed a healthy follicle. Everything looked good. Until today.

I have to say...I just don't get it.

It's getting increasingly harder, too. Our desire to have another child is still there...strong as ever. But I have to admit, I'm getting tired.

Tired of waiting.
Tired of spending money.
Tired of worrying.
Tired of failure.

It seems that there are families having more children all around me. Even in my church. Babies everywhere.

I attended a shower not long ago for a friend at church. It was the most difficult thing I have done in a while. It was all a reminder of what I have been unable to do.

Please don't misunderstand. I know that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have a wonderful little boy, and I can't even imagine life without him. But I just don't' understand why we can't have another.

So...today, I am hurt. I'm tired, sad, confused.

God, I have to ask, "why?" I know that I may never know the answer, but I have to ask. Help me through this once again. Keep me from falling. I feel connected with Hannah and her deep desire to have a child. Please bless us once again.

Celebrities and infertility...

Okay...so I have to admit, I kind of had my own pity party this morning. I was watching a little bit of GMA, when they ran a story about Celine Dion. She has been trying to conceive her second child, and they were making a big deal about women trying to have children after the age of 40. In this story, Celine Dion was talking about her journey, and how she was on her 5th round of IVF. They posted a quote from her on the ticker tape at the bottom of the screen, saying, "I'm going to try until it works."

While I can appreciate her determination, it kind of hit me in a sour way. I am not trying to belittle her struggle, or deny the emotional roller coaster that she is on, but all I could think about was..."well...aren't you the lucky one."

While I know that there are several women who have gone the IVF route, I can't hep but think that Celine Dion's story is far from the norm. At least far from my norm.

My husband and I have been trying to have a second child for 4 years now. Granted, we have pretty much stuck to the "old-fashioned" method, but we have sought medical intervention. And let me tell you...it's not cheap. We have been spending $35 each month for 5 tiny little pills, and then $25 each month for sticks to pee on and throw away(ovulation predictor kits). That on to of my Metformin (which, unlike the others, is thankfully covered by insurance). There there is the blood work, HSG, sonogram...it all just keeps piling on, and most of it is completely out of pocket. We may have to look at moving it IUI, and I haven't even thought about how much that is going to cost. IVF is just out of the question right now, because I know that we can't afford it.

I think that is why it really bothered me. While I understand her desire to have a child, and feel for her as she deals with infertility, I can't help but think how easy Celine has it. She isn't the one that is trying to find a way to pay for the treatments. She isn't the one who mortgaged her home in order to have a child. Her struggle, while very real and emotional, she knows that there is a chance, because she can afford to us IVF as many times as it takes.

I know that this all sounds like jealousy or envy. And I would be lying if I denied that I am struggling with it. But it's more than just me. There are so many women out there who are dealing with infertility, and many of them are in the same boat as me. They just can't afford it! And, since most states don't require insurance to cover treatments for infertility, we're just on our own.

I wish blessing for Celine Dion on her journey, but if GMA wants to do a story about infertility, maybe they should talk to the average woman who is dealing with it. They would get an entirely different perspective.

HSG...the quickest way to spend $1100

Yes...I spent that much money.

My husband and I decided that it was time to move on to the next step in our journey to have another child. That step was an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).

An HSG is an x-ray procedure in which they inject dye to look for any blockages or abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes. I has been warned, so I kind of new what I was getting myself into, but I'm not sure there is any way to fully prepare. I was told that it was a fairly quick procedure, but I would experience some of the worst cramping I have ever had. Well... thankfully, it was only about 1 minute total, because the cramps took my breathe away.

The good news - everything looks good. There were no abnormalities and no blockages. And, the HSG is considered diagnostic AND therapeutic. If there were any small blockages, the dye clears them. So, now we wait.

I will be going back in for a scan on day 12, to check for ovulation/healthy follicles. Then, begins the dreaded two week wait. Again.

We're hoping for the best and praying for God's blessing.

Moving forward...

Well...no, I am not pregnant. I want to be. Desperately. But, at least I can feel that I am moving forward.

I have two important dates set for February. I am having an HSG done on the 3rd to be sure that there are no blockages or masses to worry about. Then, on the 6th, I go in for my first scan looking for ovulation. Up to this point, we have been relying on home kits, and praying that we have the perfect timing. It has worked before, but not this time. So, we move on to the next step.

However, moving on has made me think more about what we are doing. Darrin and I were lying in bed last night, talking. We have both been dealing with the monthly disappointment, and praying for God to bless our efforts. But then we re-visited a questions we had discussed early in our journey.

"Are we just taking it out of God's hands, and trying to fix it on our own by going back to the doctor time and time again?"

It's a questions that I think every Christian couple that is experiencing infertility has asked. And the bad thing is...I don't know that there is an answer. There are a couple of ways to think about it:

1. God has provided us the knowledge and the doctors to move forward with treatments, therefore, He is giving is the help we need.

2. Treatments aren't working because God wants us to rely on him instead of doctors.

Which is right? Well, I think both are.

Yes, God wants us to rely on Him. He wants us to trust and obey Him, and He provides for us. However, the knowledge we have, and the doctors we are provided with, also come from Him. I believe that God is giving us pathways to take, all the while, still asking that we trust and rely on Him. God is either going to bless our endeavor, or His isn't. No matter which path we take, the outcome is ultimately up to God.

I don't know that I am right about all of this, but I do know that I have given it to God. I don't know what His answer will be, or when I will get the answer, but I know that He will answer.

I would be interested to hear from any of you. What do you think about all of this? How far would you go? How far is it before we are relying on our own devices instead of on God?

The clouds are creeping in...

For those of you who have been keeping up with us...this was not the month.

We have been trying for a baby for four years now. For the past nine months or so, we have been using a specialist in our efforts. The goal is to get the hormones and timing just right. We thought we were lucky when it worked right from the start, but it ended in miscarriage. Since then, there hasn't been any such luck.

I'm no expert in all of this, but I know that things just weren't right this month. I was hoping that this was going to be a good thing. However, we have found that the changes were not what we were hoping for.

So...what's next? That is for the doctor to help us decide on. After our last conversation, it looks like we will move on the a procedure called and HSG. Apparently, research has shown that this can increase chances of pregnancy by up to 20-30%. It sounds good to me, but I still have a little reservation. It's $1100. And of that, insurance will most likely cover NOTHING.

I know that we haven't even scratched the surface in the world of infertility treatments. There are so many options ranging from different drugs, IUI, etc. There are still several different avenues that we could explore, each with their own pros and cons. The hardest part is not even the money. It's the decisions.

Oh how I wish I had the answers I have been looking for.

Today has been a bit of a tough day. I try to continually focus on all of the wonderful blessings in my life in effort to push back the gloomy clouds that threaten my spirit. I don't want to be the depressed, negative-dwelling person that I could so easily become.

If you would, please keep me in your prayers. And not just me. My husband, bless his amazing heart, has been my rock throughout this whole process. I know that he is hurting too, but he worries too much about me to show it. He is one of the most wonderful blessings in my life, and I thank God for sending him into my life. He needs your prayers too.

We'll keep praying. And I appreciate the prayers of others more that you will ever know.

The Refiner's Fire

It's been another long month of waiting. And, actually, it isn't over yet.

It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years since we started trying to have another baby. I never, not in my wildest dreams, thought it would take this long. So, you can imagine my mixed bag of emotions. There's anger, sadness, anxiety, hope, fear...so many different emotions that are all rolled into this season of my life.

We have come to a point that we have to decide, "How long?" How long do we continue this treatment before we move on to the next? How long do we keep trying for a baby before we start the process of adoption? How long do we wait?

It's getting kind of tricky. I don't know that there is a clear cut, picture-perfect answer to any of our questions. I know people who have gone further in their treatments. I know others who have been through the process of adoption. I just wish the answers were clear.

I've even caught myself asking God to make it blatantly clear. I've been begging, "Just show me what to do. Make it so obvious that I can't miss it." I've asked questions like, "Why am I going through this?" "Why would God give me such a desire, only to make it so difficult?" "Why would God give us the joy of a pregnancy, only to allow it to end so early?"

These are all questions that I have been asking over and over again. And yet, I don't have any clear cut answers.

Recently, I have been reminded of an email that was shared with me this past summer. It talked of The Refiner's Fire:

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzles some women in a Bible study, and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about there reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat us. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about god holding us in such a hot spot; then she though again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.

The man answered that, ye, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it.'

If you today are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has hi eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

God is watching over you. And, whatever you are going through right now, you'll be a better person in the end.

There are days that I feel I have been left in the fire to burn. I feel like I was dumped into the flames, and am being consumed. But I know that God hasn't left me. I know that He is keeping His eyes on my, shaping me into the person He wants me to be.

It's not an easy process. It's hot, uncomfortable, and scary. But I am holding on the the fact that I will come out of the fire with a new shape, and a new shine. He has plans for me. And though I may not see them now, I trust Him.

I will still have bad days and good days, but God is working on me, in me, and through me.

More wisdom from a seven year old

Kristopher did it again.

He comes up with some of the greatest things.

Not long ago, Kristopher and Darrin were enjoying a little father/son time, playing in Kristopher's room. I'm not sure where the conversation was headed, but all of a sudden, Kristopher informed Darrin,

"In outer space, you can do whatever you want. But this is Earth. You have to behave."

Gotta love him!