What is normal anyway?

Things are better. Still not amazing, but better. Most of the time, I can function like normal, but I still have moments every now and then, but they are becoming fewer. However, I do have to admit...Sunday wasn't the best. I was fine for most of the day, but I had to tell someone at church about the miscarriage. They hadn't heard, and asked how I was feeling. It was't pretty. I recovered fairly well, but later that day, when I was driving home from Wal-Mart, I just started crying. I was TOTALLY unprepaired for that. There was no obvious reason...I just felt like crying. So I did. And that is the part of this whole thing that I hate. Just when I feel like I am getting better, and that things are going good...BAM! I become a mess. Emotions are just crappy sometimes.

I did go back to see my specialist. He was really great about explaining everything, but still putting a positive light on it all. He asked me several times if I was sure I was ready to go on "tihs emotional roller coaster" again, telling me that he could tell me if my body was ready, but I am the only one who can tell if I am REALLY ready. And ya know what? I think I am. I really do. I know that it's still emotional at times, but we have been trying for over 3 years now. I think I NEED to move on in this way, or else I would dwell on it forever. So, he had the nurse prepare the progestrone shot, and now I am just waiting for the cycle to begin. Actually, it kind of has, and I will most likely be put back on my Femara by Wednesday.

So...that is where we are right now. It's still not completly back to normal, and I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be "normal" again. It's not normal to go through this kind of loss. But, thanks to the support of my family, and friends, along with the grace of God, I am making it. Day by day.

I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Heart for Dwight

Please, take a moment and check out www.heartfordwight.com.

He is a wonderful man, and has an amazing family. I am blessed to call them friends.

Heal Me!

This week, I've scheduled two doctor's appointments. Today, my rheumatologist, and tomorrow, reproductive specialist. And now, I find myself in an interesting position.

You see, I have been diagnosed as having a form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis. Basically, that is just a fancy name for chronic inflammation in the back and other joints. I've been fairly lucky...only having one flair up in the last two years. However, this one is a whopper! My right ankle has been swollen now for about 2 months. At first, I treated it at home with ibuprofen. The next step was a steroid injection into my ankle. Then, prescription medication. And now, a new medicine. Just about any other time of my life, I would just say, "Okay," and take it on the chin. Right now, though, it's a bit complicated.

My hubby and I are still wanting a baby, and plan on pursuing it fully. We have been blessed with a wonderful son, but miscarried our second pregnancy this past May. I'm only 30 (nearly 31), so we figure...now is the time. But now, of all times, my arthritis comes roaring in, threatening to delay things again. Since we are wanting a baby, it limits the medications I can use. However, if I don't treat the inflammation, it can cause permanent damage. :o(

So...I am waiting until tomorrow. We will see our specialist, find out what we need to do to prepare/try for another pregnancy, and ask LOTS of questions. I am praying that all goes well, and we can proceed as planned. The new medication can be taken, but my rheumatologist said it will be stopped if I get pregnant, just to be safe.

I just really need healing right now! As silly as an ankle sounds, I need healing. I want the swelling to go away. I want the pain to subside. I want to be pregnant. I want my body to work!!!!!

Please pray for me. Pray for God's healing touch. I need it now, in so many ways.

Jon and Kate...

Okay...so there are blogs and web pages dedicated to the family of the hit reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8. Honestly, I have never seen a full episode, and would never classify myself as an avid fan. I would also never say that I am a qualified marriage counselor, but I feel that there are things that need to be said.

I hurt when I see marriages falling apart. My heart breaks for Jon and Kate, and the many, many others who are dealing with similar issues in their marriages. It's easy to point a finger and blame one spouse or the other, but what good does that do? NONE!

I can remember back to high school, when our pastor talked about the main causes of divorce. At that time, the two main causes sited were sex and money. Couples often complain about both, and it's either too much or not enough of them. Sadly, it looks like it may have hit Jon and Kate as well.

I'm not putting the full blame on Kate (as many in the media are doing), but I have to wonder if she has just gotten too caught up with the fame and money involved with the show. Money can change people, and it's not always for good. If you look back at the pictures taken when the show began, Kate doesn't even look like the same person.

On the other hand, Jon didn't seem to hate it too much. He isn't doing book tours, or dodging paparazzi, but he was there the entire time. A silent spectator in his own life. He admitted as much. He told us all that he has found his power again, and is trying to put his foot down. Well...good for you Jon, but it may be too late. It's kind of like raising kids. You can't let them do everything they want to do, never punish them for bad behavior and spoil them rotten for years and years and then wake up one morning and think, "I'm going to put my foot down now!" It just doesn't work that way.

But enough of my ramblings about the marriage of Jon and Kate. I can't make a fully educated observation. I wasn't there. In fact...no one was. It's between Jon and Kate. The cameras caught a glimpse, but we all know that editing has been done. And, in true form, media has taken what they want to see and hear, and made a story with it. My fear is that Jon and Kate are getting whisked away in the drama created by fame, money, and celebrity.

I'm not one to give up easily when it comes to the what I feel is important in my life, and I can only pray that Jon and Kate won't give up either. They have an opportunity in front of them. They can be a gleaming example of how marriages that struggle can recover. Yes, people change over time. We can grow, from our experiences.

I guess you can count this as my plea to Jon and Kate:

Don't throw in the towel just yet. Don't let the media dictate your life. If your marriage is important to you, and I pray that it is, work together to try and mend the cracks. Seek out wise counsel. PRAY. Individually and together. I know that marriages sometimes end, but I truly believe that they can be mended as well.

God, give Jon and Kate the wisdom they need in the days to come. Strip away all of the chaos that comes with fame and celebrity. Bring them back to the basics of their marriage. Mend their hearts as well, as they have been hurt and have hurt each other. Protect the children from all of the venom that has been spewed through the media. Guard their hearts. And, God, I ask the same for all those who are in similar situations. Place your healing hands on the marriages of this country...of this world. All for Your glory. - Amen

Friends

Gotta love friends and family! I don't know where I would be without them.

Seriously! It's plain and simple. I would be a total mess without my friends and family. As with anyone, there have been events in my life that I would much rather have just skipped. Everything from tragic moments, sad moments, embarrassing moments, and just plain ole stupid moments. Each and every one of them could have made me crazy, or even been my demise. But, THANK GOD, I have amazing friends and family to pull me through.

So, to all of you out there. I think you know who you are. THANK YOU!!! I can't say it enough, but please know that I truly cherish each and every one of you. God placed you in my life just when I needed you. We have cried together, worried together, sung together, and laughed together. I wouldn't have made it to where I am today without you.

Thanks! Thank you! Grasias! Merci! Vielen Dank! Dank u! Obrigado!

There aren't enough ways to say it!

Hot Mess

So, at this point, I feel like a hot mess. That's honestly the best I can describe it at this point. I don't have one teeny bit of control over my emotions, and I hate it! HATE it!!!

It seems to happen like this a lot lately. Every time I feel like I am making a real recovery...BAM! Out of nowhere come tears, anger, and everything else that comes with coping with a loss.

Today, some friends of mine were blessed with a baby boy. I am so happy for them as they enter this new chapter of their lives, but there is a part of me that just...well...hurts. It's so crazy to me! I knew they were having a baby, long before I found out about my own pregnancy. They are a young couple, with their first child. It's a beautiful time for them. And I really am happy for them. Honestly! But at the same time, it's like a scab has been picked at, and I am starting to bleed again.

Just thinking about them...I so badly want to be there to celebrate with them. Yet, I don't know that I can make myself go to the hospital and visit. Even now...tears well up in my eyes and I have to fight them back. It just seems silly to me that such a joyous time has to be tainted like this.

I know that some of you just think, "You just need to push through. You have to make yourself do it. There's no reason for you to be sad about this." Believe me. I have said all of those things to myself, but it doesn't stop the pain. I know that I need to keep on living. I know that I need to, at some point, be near babies. I know that I shouldn't be sad. This is a happy time! But my heart still hurts. There's a wound on my heart. One that I desperately want to heal. I know that it will take time, and I know that, even years from now, I will still feel the loss. I just can't help but be human, and want the pain to go away!

God, I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying to keep my focus on you. I know that I can't see the same big picture that you see, but I want to...with all of my heart. I am trusting that you will use my pain to help someone else, because I know that it is your promise. You will use all things for the good of your kingdom. Help me to remember that, even in my darkest times. Thank you for your healing. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your sacrifice to make me whole. - Amen

Where Do I Go?

In the last few years, I have become a fan of author Neta Jackson. I first discovered her series The Yada Yada Prayer Group by accident when traveling to Arkansas for a friends wedding. I found myself anxiously awaiting the next installment of the series, and then devouring the book as soon as I could find it. Much to my dismay, that series, as all good things, eventually came to an end.


Well...luckily, Neta has done it again! She started a new series. It's still set in Chicago, still uses many of the same characters, but introduces a new set of characters as well. I received the first release from this series, Where Do I Go?, at Christmas. It seemed that there was always something going on, and I knew that I wanted to be able to really read this novel, so I had left it sitting on the table since December. Waiting for the perfect time so that I could just read. No other distractions. Just sit and read. Well...do you know anyone who has that kind of time? Seriously? I mean, I have a husband, a six year old son, two dogs, and a life that just won't sit still. So, I decided last week I was just going to do it. It's time to read!


The novel started out simple enough. Good setting. Good characters. Good plot. It's really an enjoyable read. However, it's not a simple read. At least not for me. I didn't really fully comprehend the title of the book.


Where Do I Go? Well...duh...when you are in trouble and life isn't what you expected...you go to God. Right? Right. It seems simple. Especially for someone who has grown up in church. But the more I read, the more I realized...this isn't just a simple, fun read for me. It's a reminder. I need to go to Him. Now, more than ever.


If you have read any of my past blogs, you know that my life hasn't been anything that I was expecting. My husband and I had plans for a family. We have been blessed with a wonderful son who enriches our lives daily. And our hopes were that we could grow our family even more in the following years. We tried for 3 years, finally getting a diagnosis of PCOS, and finding a specialist who gave us more hope. Finally, a pregnancy! We were so excited, and were praising God for this tiny little miracle. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage.


I'm still dealing with all of the muddled emotions, and know that I will be for quite some time. There was a life lost. Grieving. Tears. Sadness. Anger. Wondering, "Why?". I know that all of the emotions are normal, but I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith.


Sunday's message was just another reminder (and encouragement). Pastor was very clear in delivering the truth. We have to make a decision. Our perspective...our attitude...our faith...it all will determine where we end up when trials come. Therefore...my prayer has been transformed. I am trying to change the focus from, "God, why me?" to a prayer of, "God, use me." God is not the author of my troubles, but He will use it for good. I may never see the fruits this side of Heaven, but I am holding on to that truth.

Please continue praying for me and with me, that I will keep the right perspective and the right attitude.

Spontaneous Combustion

Wow! I wasn't expecting that. (But, then again, a lot of things have been happening that I never expected.) I just received a call today from my pastor. He was just calling to let me know that he's been thinking of us and praying for us this week, and asked if we needed anything. Our pastor is a wonderful man, and I really do appreciate his call, but as soon as I hung up...I began to cry.

My husband and I have been healing slowly after the miscarriage of our tiny little baby. I thought I was doing pretty well. So well, in fact, that I was proud to say I have had a few tear free days. I couldn't help but think, "I'm beginning to heal. It's doesn't hurt quite as bad." Until today.

It's funny how tears can sneak up on you like that. Just when you think that you have a handle on things...BAM! The dam breaks, and the tears start to roll again. I'll never understand what sparks them, either. I just have to credit it to the fact that I am still in process of healing. Though, I have to admit, I wish there was a magic number. A date, or a time frame. Something to let me know that the end is near, and the tears will stop surprising me.

I guess if I out a positive spin on the whole situation I can say one thing. At least I made it through the phone call before the water works began. A week ago, I couldn't say that. Even a few days ago, that would be a stretch.

Thank God for friends and family who are willing to put up with my spontaneous combustion of tears!

Further down the road...

Well...it has been a full week since all of the chaos started. Mother's Day Sunday was when I noticed any problem with my pregnancy, and this past Sunday was the official end. I can tell you for certain, that I am no longer pregnant.

As hard as that is to share, I can't help but keep looking forward. Darrin and I are still wanting a baby, and we don't plan on giving up. In fact, I have already scheduled our appointment with the specialist so that we can discuss the next steps.

I'm am not, in any way, trying to live in denial. There is still a very deep wound on my heart, and I assure you all that I will never forget this past week. We lost our precious little baby. Too small for the world to meet, but none the less, a living being. We saw that tiny little heartbeat, and fell in love instantly. We don't know if it was a boy or a girl. We don't know which one of us the baby would look like. But I know that someday, we will see. We will hold our baby in heaven. Until that day, I have chosen to leave it all in God's hands.

We will be trying again for a baby...as soon as possible. I still have a hope that just won't be broken, and I believe that God will bless us with another child. Our hope has been placed in the hands of God.

A friend of mine sent an email today that encouraged me greatly. So, hear I am sharing it with all of you:

Hope in God Does Not Disappoint

I had waited for a decision that would directly affect my life in major ways. I began to look forward to the changes that would occur when the months of waiting were over. More than that, though, I looked to the Lord. His will would be perfect no matter what the outcome would be.

One Monday morning I received the anticipated phone call. The answer was "No." The opportunity I had dreamed about would not be offered.

I hung up the phone wondering if my spirit would fall after learning that these months of anticipation were answered with God's "No." Suddenly I was amazed to be filled with overwhelming joy. My daughter came into the room and while telling her about the phone call I was so overcome by joy that tears began to flow.

When an apology was offered a few days later, I could honestly say, "I'm not disappointed. I was hoping in God, not in you."

"Those who hope in me will not be disappointed" (Isaiah 49:23). Yet even that ability to hope, we must find in Him. Those who quietly rest in Christ, trust Him to supply not only that rest but the ability to rest. It would be foolish to think that we can experience rest through our own strength.

Jesus, please give me discernment to know when my hope is in something or someone other than You.

Life...it's not an easy journey.

So much has happened since I last sit down to blog. Mostly good, but definitely not all.

As many people know, my husband and I have been trying to have another child for some time now. Well...it finally happened. After years of trying, being sent to a specialist, changing medication, and lots of waiting...I finally had a positive pregnancy test!!! We were both so excited. The blood work all looked good, and we were even able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks. Unfortunately, that is where the happiness of this story ends for now.

On Mother's Day, I knew something was wrong. I had a great lunch with my family, but when I went to the restroom, there was some blood. Not a lot, so I wasn't completely freaked out, but it was there. I went home, laid down, and prayed for the best. Monday, we went to the doctor, and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I was still holding on to a sliver of hope, reminding myself that we hadn't heard our son's heartbeat until 13 weeks. Still, the doc thought it would be a good idea to have an ultrasound, just to be safe.

At the imaging center, it didn't go any better. In fact, it was torture. Not that it physically hurt, or anything like that, but everything was pointing to a bad ending. The tech asked what our due date was, and I told her. November 23rd. Okay...she continued to take measurements, but I could tell that she wasn't seeing what she thought she should. Then she asked again, "Are you sure about your due date?" That was a HUGE red flag. I was absolutely POSITIVE of my due date, as we had been seeing a specialist, and tracking everything. I knew every important date on my cycle. The tech excused herself, telling us that she was going to get another person who works with more OB patients than her. Yeah...that made me feel better. When they came back, they went back to the screen, measuring away. I asked, "Are we seeing the baby?" All I got was, "Well...". Again, they excused themselves, leaving Darrin and I there...alone...in a cold room...still trying to hold on to that last microscopic ray of hope. When the original tech came back, I heard the words that shattered my heart. "Well, the radiologist has talked with your doctor, and he wants you to come back to the office."

That is when I broke down. Completely. I was still laying on the table, wailing in emotional pain. The tiny little life inside of me was obviously no longer there.

We returned to the doctor's office, and was led back to another exam room to wait for our doc. When he came in, I knew that I couldn't deny it any longer. There was no more hope left for this baby. Our baby had stopped growing at just 7 1/2 weeks. Our doctor was so amazingly compassionate, and I believe his pain and sorrow was as genuine as ours. You see, this is the man who has been there with us from day one. He is who led us to our specialist, and encouraged us all along the way. When I had told him that I was pregnant, he scooped me up in a hug so quickly, I nearly feel off the table. This time, I knew that he was grieving with us.

That was almost a week ago. Our doc has recommended a natural miscarriage, sometimes referred to as simply, "wait and see." The worst part of this option...I don't know how long it will take. I'll go in for a check-up soon, but, in the mean time, have to pray that my body will do it's job.

As you can imagine, this week has been the worst of my life. I've never been all that good at handling the crying moments, and now, they come up on me without warning. It's so foreign to me. This kind of grief is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A part of me died, leaving a hole in my heart.

I have heard people say so many things. Some are very encouraging, but there are still those who think they are being positive and helping, only to be picking at the scab, reopening the wound left by this tragedy. Why do we think that we have to SAY something?!?! Believe me. Sometimes it is just better to say nothing. I have a new respect for those who know when it's just time for a hug and a look, showing that they are there and they are hurting for you too.

I have made a choice. I will thank God, even through my pain. I know that he will bring me though this, but I also know that it is a long journey. Matt Redman said it so perfectly in his song, "Blessed Be the Name."

Blessed be your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's all as it should be

Blessed be your name.

Blessed be your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be your name.

Every blessing your pour out

I'll turn back to praise.

And when the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your name!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your glorious name!

Thank you God, for I know you will bring me through. Help me to stay strong in my faith, focused on You. My baby is with you, and for that I am grateful. I will hold my baby for the first time in heaven. Give me your peace that passes all understanding. Blessed be Your name!

The Final Touches

Well...it's almost here. Christmas is just days away now, and if you are like me, you are finding that there is still much to be done.

I love the holiday season. Seriously...I LOVE IT! Despite the cold, this is my favorite time of year. The lights on houses, beautifully decorated Christmas trees, shopping for that perfect gift...it's all wonderful. It never fails, however, that even this close the Christmas, I find that I haven't finished all of my Christmas shopping, there are still cookies to bake, and we still haven't nailed down all of our family plans and are kind of flying by the seat of our pants. I don't know why I wait so long. Every year it's the same thing. I tell myself to start early, and I have every intention to do so. But, somehow, I find myself at this very place...dreading the mass of procrastinators that I will be joining in the stores.

So, my goal for the weekend is simple...put on all of the finishing touches. I have made my list, and checked it twice (a little trick I learned from Santa). It IS possible to reach my goal this weekend, but it will take great effort. I don't much like crowded shopping areas, but there is little choice now.

Wish me luck!
I'm goin' in!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

What has this world come to???

If you are anything like me, you avoid stepping foot in any major stores on Black Friday. I have several friends who are all about getting the bargains on that insane day, but not me. I can't do it. I just can't. Believe me, I have tried, but it just isn't a pretty picture.

First off, I am not, in any way, shape, or form, a morning person. Those who know me best, know that I tend to be a bit short and grumpy in the morning. I don't know why...it's just not in my DNA to be a chipper morning person. I don't drink coffee either, so that isn't going to help. I just don't do mornings.

Second, I hate...HATE...big crowds. I don't like the feeling of having no control of where I am going, and if you have ever been in a hugh crowd, you know what I am talking about. Once you are in the middle of a crowd, you are going which ever way the crowd wants to go. No questions asked. If you aren't one to move with the flow, you will be bruised and battered, if not trampled. Take the poor Wal-Mart worker for example. He was just an innocent bystander as the doors were forced open, and he was trampled, later dying from his injuries. Seriously!!! The crowd killed him. KILLED him!

What has the world come to? Are the bargains THAT good? So good that we push, shove, trample, and kill to get them? Wow! Mob mentality is flat out scarey! Which is why you will not find my in the middle of and Black Friday crowd any time soon. For those of you who love it, well, God Speed. You are braver...or crazier than I.

Thanksgiving

Remember that holiday. It's the one that comes after Halloween, but before Christmas. It seems that everyone has forgotten about Thanksgiving.

I know that retail will always push Christmas. I get it! however, when I walked in to the local Wal-Mart on November 1st (yes...the day after Halloween) they were already playing Christmas music. Whoa!!!!!

It seems that we are just going from one holiday of "gimme gimme" to the next one. Kids are sent out asking for candy, trying to get more than the next kid, and then we gear them up for getting more presents at Christmas. Well, in my house, that isn't going to be the case. I am doing my very best to stress the importance of Thanksgiving.

I want my son to realize just how good we have it. Are we wealthy? Well, no. At least not most of society's standards. Still, we are far better off than a lot of the people of this world...even this country. We still have a wonderful close family, good friends who are there for us, a roof over our heads, and food in the pantry. We don't have a big screen plasma tv, a super expensive car, or a mansion, but we have everything that we actually need. And for all of this, I am truely thankful.

Thank you, God, for all of the blessings you have given us! You have given us more than we deserve. "I will enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise. Give thanks to him and praise his name." Psalm 100:4

Christmas will come, and presents will be given. But for now, we are going to be thankful. Chrismas carols can wait a few more weeks.

"All Circuits are Busy"

Have you ever tried to call in to a radio station, trying desperately to win a contest? You have to time it just right. So, you dial all but the last number, then, at the PERFECT moment, dial the last digit. Only, instead of hearing the DJ on the other end of the line, you hear, "Beep! All circuits are busy. Please try your call again later." It's a crushing blow to the fragile hope of getting through and winning the prize.

Well...that's about how I feel right now. I seem to be praying and praying and praying, only to hear, "All circuits are busy." I know that God isn't just ignoring me, but I just haven't figured it all out yet. Am I praying for the wrong thing? Am I missing something? Did God already try to give me an answer, but I wasn't paying attention?

Please tell me that I am not the only one that feels this way. How do you know when to just 'let it go?' I don't want to give up and cut God short. I know that He has plans for me, I just wish I could see them a little more clearly.

Still waiting...

Well, another month going by, and still waiting. I never thought it would be so hard to have a second child. We really didn't have much difficulty conceiving our son five years ago, but apparently, God has another plan this time.

I have recently joined an online support group for people dealing with infertility. I haven't done much yet besides read what others have posted, but I can say that it is nice to see others dealing with this. Not that I want others to be suffering with me. It's just nice to know that I am not alone. There are so many women who are dealing with the same issues as I have been. The group has been a God send, reminding me that it is okay to be angry. It's normal to feel jealousy. The real test is what we do with those emotions.

If anyone actually reads this blog, please keep me in your prayers. This month has been particularly difficuly emotionally, and I can use all of the prayer I can get.

God's Waiting Room

I have never claimed that I was patient. In fact, if you have ever asked, you know that I am the first to admit that I HATE waiting. I'm just not very good at it. Still...God is trying to teach me something, telling me to just..."wait."

For some time now, 3 years to be exact, my husband and I have been trying to have another child. There doesn't seem to be any clear cut answers to why we haven't conceived yet. We have been to the doctor, taken tests, started medications...all of the proper steps to correct any problems. Still...no baby.

As you can imagine, this has been quite difficult at times. At first, it wasn't so bad. I was blessed to see a friend of mine conceive after a few years of trying. I was so happy for her, even to the point of thinking, "Okay God. If it took me not having another child right now so that she could, then so be it. Thank you for the blessing." Another year passed, and still no baby. An even now...I am seeing so many others being blessed with children. I am honestly happy for them, but I have to admit, it hurts too. You see, it was significantly easier to conceive with my son. In fact, I took the pregnancy test on a whim, and was delighted to see the two blue lines. For the past 3 years, though, the thoughts keep entering my head, asking, "Why was is so easy the first time?" and "Why is it so difficult now?"

I have really been leaning on friends and family with this burden, and have been making a conscious effort to rely on God. I have been encouraged by the story of Hannah, knowing how long she waited, yet continued to trust God. She was blessed with a child. So, surely I will be too. Still, another year passed, and here I am now...no baby.

This Sunday, I hit a wall. We had a guest speaker at church, Dr. Larry Fine. I wasn't sure what to expect, really. This is the 4th or 5th speaker we have has, as our pastor is on sabbatical. I guess I wasn't really expecting much, but I was smacked with truth. Dr. Fine started out the service talking about how we sometimes end up in God's waiting room. Yeah, yeah... I have heard this before, right? Not quite like this.

Dr. Fine spoke of how too often, the Church teaches us to pray and ask for direction, and then things will be fine. In fact, he apologized for this, citing that it's just not always that simple. God puts us in times of waiting to teach us lessons, and to protect us. Specifically, he cited scripture in Exodus 13:17 which reads, " When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them along the main road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest route to the Promised Land." Through Dr. Fine's words, it became clear to me that I AM in a period of waiting. I have been sitting here in God's waiting room for the past 3 years, and God is trying to teach me something. The shortest route isn't always the best. Quick fixes often backfire, or cause more pain later. God will lead us out and around the things that would scare us, even if it means we have to take a longer path. I don't fully understand it right now, but I do intend to use this period to its fullest potential. I have come to the point where it is no linger about ME and MY desire. I have come to the point of just letting go, and saying, "God, take me where you need to take me. Show me what you need to show me. I am yours."

I know that this isn't going to make the journey any easier, in fact it could be just as difficult, or even more so. But I have to trust Him. I have to hold on to His promises. I am eager to get out of this waiting room, but I do see the importance of being here. I pray that my eyes, and my heart will be open enough to recognize what God has for me. I pray that I make the most of the opportunities given to me, and that I will continue to let God use my hurt.

Let's give it another try, shall we?

Well...I have tried this blogging thing before, and it never seems to stick. I have the best of intentions. Really, I do. I rather enjoy reading the blogs of my friends and family, but I just don't seem to keep writing on mine. So here we are again...a fresh start to the world of blogging. Pray for me. Maybe this will be the time that it really becomes part of my life. :o)

A lot of things have happened since I last wrote. Back then, I was just returning to work. Well...a year and a half later (give or take) and I am still there. I like the job, really, but there are times that I think to myself, "Why did you want to go back to work?" I think what I miss the most is the freedom that I had. I could go anywhere, anytime during the day until I went back to work. Now, I have to get everything finished before 1pm. Still not that bad, but i do miss having the whole day.

Let's see...otherwise, life is about the same. We are STILL trying to add to our family. So far, it just hasn't happened. I guess God's timing and my timing haven't quite matched up yet. I try to stay positive about it, because I truly believe that we will have more kids. I know in my heart, that we will have a larger family. I just haven't quite figured out what God is trying to teach me yet (besides faith and patience). It's a rough road, but I am willing to travel it. Especially if it means that I can learn more about myself and, most importantly, more about God.

My son starts kindergarten this fall. :o( Wow! How time flies. I used to laugh at people who made such a big deal of how quickly kids grow up. As a mom, though, I totally understand. It's hard to believe that five and a half years have passed by. I look at Kris and am amazed! He is such a blessing! Such a wonder! We thank God for him everyday, and wonder what we ever laughed about before we had Kris. He is a smart, loving kid. The things he says crack up up, and sometimes chock the begeebies out of us. I love just drinking him in! His energy. His smile. His innocence. how God made such an a amazing kid from us, is beyond my comprehension.

I think that about does it for now. You have been adequately updated on the happenings of my life. Thanks for being part of this crazy, mixed-up life. Hopefully, you'll see more updates on here soon!

Back to Work

I have officially started working again. Granted it is a part time gig, but I am having a great time so far.

The past two years, I have been blessed. I have been able to stay home and care for my son, taking myself out of the work force. It was a great couple of years, and I hadn't planned on leaving the home. Then, it happened. I wasn't looking for a job, but one presented itself in the form of part time customer service for a local insurance agent. At first, I blew it off thinking that it just wasn't something that I was prepared for. The longer I thought about it, though, the more I was impressed that I should take a second look. It was time that I listened and responded to the prompting that I felt; the prompting that could have only come from God. How do I know that it was from God? Simple...it wasn't an easy decision, or a comfortable move. God was presenting a new challenge for me, and I chose to take it.

I have now had about a month in this new job, and I can honestly say I love it. There are still challenges that I am facing, as I am still learning al the ins and outs of insurance, but this is great. It is just what I needed. I feel that God is blessing me everyday...I am looking forward to going to work, wondering what new things I will learn; what new challenges will I face. It is exciting, and I never would have thought that insurance would be this exciting! Ha!

This has taught me a great lesson as well. I hate to admit it, but I am usually one that looks for the simple answers. This has been anything but simple, but I am being rewarded for it. God loves to stretch us. He wants us out of of comfort zone, and growing. Well, this is just that, and I am so glad that I listened and responded to the prompting I felt from Him.

It's been a while...

As you can tell, I am not very good about keeping this blog up to date. I just can't seem to make myself sit down and write. Today, however, is a day that I am making myslef do it. So...here goes...

I have always been interested in photography. I just love to see the different views of life that are out there. It seems that everyone has just a little different perspective, and photography is such a great way to show others what we see.

Most of my photos seem to center around my son. He is just such a great subject to shoot, and he loves the camera. That can be a downfall, though. There are times that I would love to just be a fly on the wall, so that I could sneak up on him and shoot him in his element. Everytime I get close, he sees me. Then, the picture, though not ruined, isn't the same. I love the end results, as I get to document his life through the photos, however, in my favorites, you can't even see most of his face. I just love catching him being a kid...laughing, wandering, wondering. They are just beautiful.

I was hoping to attach one of my favorites here, but my computer isn't cooperating. I will have to find a way to show you, but for now, I would love to see some of your favorite photos. Whether they are of animals, plants, friends and family, or buildings, show us what you love. I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Christmas Thoughts

As many of you have determined, I am absolutely HORRIBLE at blogging. It's not because I don't have things to say or ideas to share. It's just that I have always been horrible at writing them all down. Ask my parents. They never even had the temptation to read my diary when I was a kid. They knew better. I rarely wrote anything in it.

I have tried many times to make it a habit (the latest being blogging), but it never seems to work out. So, I hope that if anyone reads these, they will understand why there aren't many posts.

Anywho...now that my rambling is over...I just want to wish everyone out there a very, VERY Merry CHRISTmas! (Yes, I know I capitalized the C-H-R-I-S-T. It was on purpose.)

I have always loved Christmas. Not only do we get to exchange gifts to show our appreciation for each other, but we get to spend time with our loved ones, and we don't even have to make up a reason. It seems that in recent days, there has to be a "reason" to gather with family. Are we not allowed to ENJOY being with our parents? Siblings? Grandparents? Maybe I am just old-fashioned, but I really do enjoy it. I hope that I am not the only one.

One of the other reasons I LOVE Christmas is because of all the decorations. Ever since I was a kid, I have loved going out and seeing all of the lights and garland. Granted, I prefer a white Christmas, but living in middle America, you can't always get one. Still, the lights and decorations are just beautiful! I love decorating our house too, and I leave them all up until at least New Year's! :o)

Finally, I think the reason that I REALLY love Christmas is that it is such a great time to refocus our lives. We can easily get caught up into he hustle and bustle of the season, and sucked in to the trap of commercialism, but it really can be a great time to just reflect on what we are really here for...to love God. It amazes me every time I think about it...He sent His only son to save all of us. Think about it. I mean, REALLY think about it. Would you be willing to do that? I don't know that I would.

Christmas time makes it easier to see the wonder of God, but I hope it helps all of us remember throughout the year.

May God bless you all and may you have a very Merry CHRISTmas!