Back from being MIA...take 2

I tried to send this through once before...but blogger hates me!

Okay...so not really. I was just being a little dramatic.

I have been MIA for a while now, and thought that you might want a little update on what is going on in my life. So...here goes:

We have decided that it is FINALLY time to sell our house. We have had it on the market for a little over a month now. So far, no offers, but we are hoping that one will be coming soon. We aren't planning on leaving the area, but we have simply out grown our little home. The hardest part will be leaving our neighbors. We have been so blessed with good neighbors. I really wish we could just take them with us. Darrin and I have been looking at houses too, trying to educate ourselves on what is available in this market. We found a house that we both REALLY liked, but it has already sold. :o( So sad. But we are really relying on God with all of this. He will put it all together for us. We will find the right buyer, and we will find the right house. We just have to be patient.

There hasn't been much movement on the baby front either. Darrin and I re-evaluated, and realized that we just could not continue with our treatments if we were going to be financially responsible people. So, we went back to our primary care physician and have decided to go back to using Clomid. We're hoping for the best. This is my second month back on meds, and my body is definitely feeling the difference. Hopefully that is a good sign. Just another area that we are relying on God for, and asking Him to bless us. It's been a very difficult journey over the past 6 years of trying to conceive. Especially watching countless others get pregnant with ease, even some who should never be parents. It's rough. Quite honestly...infertility sucks. But, we are trying to stay positive, and keep moving forward.

I went to enroll Kristopher for school this morning. Can you believe he is a 3rd grader? 3rd GRADER!!! Where has the time gone? It seems that it was only a few short months ago that Kris was just a little baby. Now look at him. He's just growing up so quickly. In fact, the last time we bought shoes for him, we had to buy a 6.5. That means the next trip to the shoe store, we will find ourselves shopping in the men's section. MEN'S!!! Oy vey! I can't keep up with this kid! Ha-ha!

I think that about covers it. You have now been updated on all things Kimberly. :o) Who knows what the next few weeks or months will bring? But I am excited to find out!

Just a random little rant...

Okay...so I know that I haven't been great about keeping fresh new things posted on here. Sorry about that. But I have one for today.

While watching GMA this morning, I caught the tail end of a story talking about a guy who is blaming Jerry Seinfield and his show, "The Marriage Ref," for his divorce.

Really? I mean, come on...REALLY?!?!?!

Well, I just had to look it up and get the full story. So here's the quick version.

He and his wife were on the first show, and the argument was that he wouldn't wear his wedding ring when he went out with the guys. I remember seeing that episode, and, to be honest, I thought they were both ridiculous. Anyway...

According to this guy, the show actually took the "argument" and blew it up into something way bigger than it was. Apparently, he only took his ring off when he played basketball with the guys. Not when he was going out for a guys night out. Whatever.

He also claims that the producers of the show kept making comments about how good his wife looked, and that she was so pretty, that they thought she had beautiful lips, etc. Somehow, THIS is what caused his divorce. After the show was taped, the wife decided that she wanted to pose for Playboy, and it was said that they almost didn't air the show because of some provocative photos that she posted online.

Yeah...Seinfield made her do all of that.

Really???

Please, people! Take responsibility!!!

We all know that reality tv rarely shows true REALITY, so it's really no shock that the producers wanted to rev up the story to make it sound a little juicier. But to blame it for the ruin of your marriage is a bit of a stretch.

The spotlight of tv and the quest for celebrity will add stress. Financial problems will add stress. Life will add stress. But this show wasn't the CAUSE. The show simply added stress that made the cracks that were already present more visable.

I am by no means an expert on marriage. After all, I have only been married for 10 years, and the two of us are still learning as we go. But the one thing that I have figured out is that marriage takes work. It's not always going to feel like you're on your honeymoon.

We're human.
We're different.
We're flawed.

But when you take the time to put effort into your marriage, you can keep things moving in the right direction. How can you tell that everything is going to work out? How can you know that you will be together forever? I don't know.

All I know is that I ask God for guidance daily.

I pray for His continued blessing on our marriage.
I pray that He will help us learn to build each other up instead of tear each other down.
I pray that He will show us how to love each other, even when we aren't feeling like it.
I pray for wisdom. In raising our son. In choosing our battles. In making choices for our family.
I pray that he will mold me into the wife He wants me to be.
I pray for my husband, and that he is becoming the man God wants him to be.
I pray for other marriages. That they will be strengthened.

I am only human, and I am not now, nor do I think I ever will be, and expert on marriage. But I know that my marriage is important to me, and I will do everything within my power to make it last.

I hope that you feel the same way about your relationships.

For Sale!!!

We have been thinking of putting our house up for sale for a while, but just hadn't really gotten around to it. Well...all that has changed. Our house is officially FOR SALE!

It has only been on the market for about a week. We've only had one showing. Still, I am pretty excited.

Finally, we are making progress. We are finally able to take steps towards our goal of upgrading homes.

Now, we just have to find a buyer.

That's the not so fun part.

The one showing that we have had so far gave a little feedback. First, they said the layout was not what they were looking for. Then, they said that there was a "strong odor of dog."

Okay...so here's the deal. We used to have two dogs. Both were inside pets, and both were very clean. However, our cocker spaniel, Spencer, was old. He did, in his last few weeks, develop an odor that was pretty offensive. Sadly, Spencer is no longer with us. We have deep cleaned the house, vacuumed daily, cleaned the carpets (RugDoctor), used air fresheners, etc. WE don't smell him anymore, but apparently other people do.

Now, we just have to figure out where others are smelling dog, and how to get rid of it.

Any ideas out there??? I think our little house will make a wonderful home for someone...we just have to get the house smelling wonderful.

Prayer request...

Just when you think things are turning around...

We were really hopeful this month. I had decided that I wasn't going to watch the calendar, and just try to take things a day at a time. Once I realized how long it had been since I last checked the calendar, I was curious. So, I took a home test. Negative. So I waited some more. Then I went to the doctor. Negative.

It seems that my body has decided to tease me. It allowed me to think that our miracle had finally happened, only to let me down later.

I just don't get it.

I'm not going to lie. I have been fighting the urge to have my own little pity party. Since my appointment on Monday, I have just kind of been...off.

So here I am. Sitting at a computer and sharing this with all of you who care to read it. I am asking for your prayers. Prayers for strength, wisdom, and peace.

A Thankful Heart

So often I sit at the computer and try to think of something to add to my blog. Most of the time, I just sit there. I stare at the screen and realize...I've got nothin. I never want my blog to be meaningless dribble, but all too often I just don't think that my words make much of a difference or impact.

Well, today, I hope that is different.

I sat down today and decided to do a quick review of all of my past posts. Not just the things that I wrote, but the comments that were added later. The thought was, doing this will help inspire me to write something new. And it did.

I feel that I need to take the time to recognize...I am so very blessed!

I am not wealthy, at least not by American standards, but I have what I need.
I am not in the greatest shape, but I am relatively healthy.
I am not the most popular person, but I have REAL friends.
I am not the smartest, but I am still learning.

All too often, we complain about all of the things that we do not have. Things that we want. Things that would make life so much better. And yet, if we would just take the time to REALLY look at our lives, we are blessed far beyond what we deserve.

The one place that I can see this the clearest is with my friends.

In some of my darkest times, I have had wonderful people come to my rescue. They may not have provided money or food or tangible things like that, but they were my support. I have been able to lean on my friends and they have supported me without even blinking. My friends have been there for me, and never asked for anything in return.

I am so blessed!!!

I only wish I could let all of you know just how much I love my friends, and how much I appreciate them. But there are no words to adequately explain how I feel about each and every one of you.

Thank you seems so small.
So inadequate.
But it's all I have.

Thank you for being there for me.
...for loving me.
...for holding me accountable.
...you for laughing with me.
...for crying with me.
...for celebrating with me.
...for praying with me.
...for putting up with me and all of my faults.
...for showing me Christ.

I am truly blessed!

It just dawned on me that I haven't just given up Facebook for Lent. Apparently, I have avoided my blog as well.

(It will never cease to amaze me. When you take one thing out of your life, there is always something else there to take it's place. Anyway...I decided that I should take a little time and update this blog.)

Spring is here...at least according to the calendar. Boy has it been and interesting start to spring. First it was wonderful above average temperatures, then cold windy days, mixed in with a random hail storm just for fun. All I know is that I am ready for some steady warm (not hot) weather with sunshine. And apparently, I need it.

I have been seeing a rhumatologist for the past few years, but recently had to change doctors. It seems that my doc decided it was time to retire. How dare she! Ha ha! Anyway, I went in to meet the new doc who wanted to run all new tests just to make sure where I stand. Well, I have a vitamin D deficiency. I guess the average adult should have a level around 32...mine is at 19. So, I need some sun!!!!! And, for the time being, a prescription. Yay. (Can you sense my excitement?)

Otherwise, things have been about the same as my usual. We are still waiting on a miracle, and praying that it will happen. We have decided that the fertility treatments are just too expensive for us at this time, so we have stopped. No more expensive pills and procedures for us. Instead we are focusing on using our finances responsibly, and planning for our future. We hope still hold out hope that it will include another child, but if not, so be it. We still have responsibilities and we have been blessed with a wonderful son. We are doing our very best to remind ourselves of that daily.

That's not to say that I don't still have the HUGE desire for another baby. It's still there, and I have my moments of heart-wrenching and tears. I still have to fight the urge to scream when I find out that yet another friend is expecting. I still have pity-parties that I have to deal with. But I am making a conscious effort to be more positive, and focus on the blessings that I have in my life.

I was reading a blog of a friend, and saw something that really made me think. One of her friends posted this:

"Most of the stories about birth in the scriptures revolve around women's inability to have children. That the trial of infertility is one that God has given to some of his strongest and most select daughters. Women like Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, the mother of Samson, Hannah, and Elisabeth all struggled with extended periods of 'bareness', the ancient term for infertility."

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that. I mean, it's encouraging to think that so many strong women of faith have been through this before me. But, it's also very daunting to think that I could be grouped with these women. Am I really that strong? Is my faith really as sound as theirs? I don't know. But I love to think that I am in the company of many strong women with unwavering faith who can be amazing examples of what God can do. I pray that I can live up to this legacy, and maybe, just maybe, be an encouragement to others.

Bye-bye Facebook...at least for a while.

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday. The start of our Easter season.

Darrin, Kristopher and I attended the Ash Wednesday service at Living Hope, and at the end, received ashes on the forehead. The service was really nice. A time of reflection, listening, and renewed dedication to God. I know that I, for one, really needed it.

As we set there, we were given small booklets that addressed different areas of our lives and asked to prayerfully review them, and ask God to show us where we need to let go. In our relationship with Him. In our relationships within our family and church family. In our relationships with those outside the church. We sat there in a darkened room sitting silently. The only noise was that of music designed to usher us in to atmosphere of reverence and prayer.

I have to admit, I was a little taken back at some of the areas we were asked to examine. I mean, I know that there is always room to grow, but I thought I had a pretty good handle on all of this "Christian stuff." I think I am a good person. I believe in God. I have been holding tight to all of the promises and lessons I have learned over the years. And, I want to please God. Still, there were a few areas that just kind of hit me, and I would like to share those with you. It's kind of my way of asking you all to help hold me accountable.

In my relationship with God:

• Am I satisfied with good feelings, but avoid seeking personal holiness?
• Do I spend regular time in one-on-one interaction with God through prayer and reading His word?
• Do I take advantage of opportunities for growth?

In my relationships with my family and my church family:

• Do I show love for other and seek to maintain true connections?
• Do I seen the Holy Spirit's guidance before I react to situations that I encounter?

In my relationships with those outside the church:

• Do I regularly pray for those that we are trying to reach?
• Am I sitting back, hoping someone else will do what I really should be doing?
• Do I tend to ignore social sins that enslave and hurt others, feeling that they don't directly affect me?

There are more areas in which I need to work, but these are just a few that stood out to me last night. I think that I have a good base. I know the basics of being a Christian, and I truly want to please God. But there is so much room for growth.

So, this year for Lent, I have decided that I am going to make a conscious effort to grow. I have decided that I am going to step away from the things that take too much of my attention, and adjust my priorities to move God into the position He deserves...1st.

As part of that dedication, I have decided to step away from Facebeook. I know it seems silly, but FB really has become a big part of my life. I love how it helps me to stay in contact with so many people, but I have let it become just another filler. If I have down time, I am on FB. If I want to play a game, I am on FB. But that will change. It is time for me to focus more on God and less on the computer screen. I know that it sounds like a simple challenge, but I'm not so sure. Even this morning, I almost logged in. It's just a habit. But I want to create a habit diving in to the Word.

I am excited to see what He has in store for me through this 40 day journey. Please pray for me. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want to please God.

Not a good week...

Well...the miracle that we had hoped for has eluded us once again.

I have to admit, this week has been one of pity parties for myself. Indulging in the "woe is me," mentality, crying spontaneously, and just feeling overall blah.

I just don't know what to think anymore. It has taken everything in me to stay positive and focused, avoiding the negative thoughts, and just move forward. This week, though, has been especially tough. We had done everything "right" and were hoping that it would all finally work out. Unfortunately, though, it didn't work out. Instead, we are left here crying and broken.

Why aren't things working? Why do I have this desire if it isn't meant to be? Why are there so many questions? Why are there so many tears?

God, I need you more now than ever before. I need you to show me the way. I need answers to my questions. I need direction. I need hope. Please, support me now, as I can't stand on my own. Dry these tears, and bless us, I pray.

Conferences...

It's that time again.

Spring parent/teacher conferences start today. So, here I am wondering what I will find out about my son this time.

Kristopher is a good kid, so I know I don't have to worry too much. However, I know my kid. I know that he loves to be the goofy kid. He loves to use sarcasm. He loves to make up stories. He doesn't like the school work. Generally, he would rather stay home and play (at his age, who wouldn't?).

Have you heard the latest thing Kris came up with? He told his teacher that he was allergic to peanut butter. PEANUT BUTTER! You see, his class was talking about Kansas history. As part of the lesson, they made simple toys that they may have had back in the late 1800's. As an added treat, his teacher decided to make a simple candy that they could have as a snack. It was made with peanut butter. So, Kris decided it would be interesting to say that he was allergic. His teacher, not wanting to expose a peanut allergy to peanut butter, decided she should confirm with me. He is not allergic to peanut butter. In fact, his favorite sandwich is PB&J. When I asked Kris why he said he was allergic to pb, he told me, "I don't know. I just didn't want any peanut butter."

You see...these are the kinds of things that I worry about with Kris. I have to admit, I was somewhat amused (you have to admit it was kind of funny) and still, obviously disappointed. Note: Don't worry. We had the whole talk about being dishonest. I even made him apologize to his teacher.

So, maybe you can understand why I feel this way about conferences. I don't really worry. It's more trying to anticipate so that I can explain.

And, I have a feeling it won't get any easier as he gets older. Ugh!
Hahahaha!!!

Am I really getting that old???

My baby is 8 years old.


EIGHT!!!!!


Where has the time gone? Seriously? It doesn't seem that 8 years have passed yet. I don't feel that much older. Non-the-less, my little boy is growing up, and fast!


And, as if it's not bad enough that he is getting older, he's out growing me. We measured him just a few days after his birthday, only to find out that he is now 4'7". In the second grade. Age eight. That's only slightly more than a foot shorter than me.


HE'S NOT EVEN A TEENAGER YET!!!


Oy! What am I going to do with this kid? Before long, I am going to need a step stool to see eye-to-eye with Kristopher. Ha ha!!!


Even so, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Kristopher is an amazing kid. Sure, he drives me nuts at times, and I wonder what we were thinking having a kid. But, I have to admit, there have been many more good times than bad. (I know...teen years are yet to come, so there will be more trials.)


I love watching Kristopher grow and discover new things.
I love watching him as he matures, and develops even more of his personality.
I love watching him learn lessons, and actually WANT to help others.


And...I love learning from Kristopher.

He teaches me more than I ever thought I could learn from a child. Lessons about learning styles, friendship, caring, empathy, selflessness, and so much more.

Seems that getting older doesn't stop the learning process.

Thank God!

A breaking heart...

It has happened again.

I don't know that I can fully explain why or how it happens, but my heart is breaking again. Except, this time it's not for me.

Despite my best attempts to appear tough and strong, I have always been a bit of a softy. You see, I just break a little every time I see someone hurting. And, it has happened again.

An acquaintance from church (hopefully a budding friendship...just because I think she is awesome) is hurting right now. She and her husband, much like Darrin and I, have been trying to conceive for some time now. Sure, it hasn't been all that long in the grand scheme of things, but I can promise you this; it's forever when you are the one trying. Anyway, they thought they were going to have some good news for Christmas. She got a positive pregnancy test. However, only a few short weeks into the pregnancy, and things just weren't right. Blood work has now confirmed it. Miscarriage.

That has to be one of the ugliest words I know. Medically speaking, it's "spontaneous abortion." The baby, for any number of reasons, reason we may never know, has stopped growing. It is no longer living. And yet, it's still there. At least for the time being. The hormones are still there, reeking havoc on a woman as they try to deal with the reality. We will never know this child.

Every time I hear of another woman going through miscarriage, my heart breaks again. It seems that the raw emotions find a way to climb to the surface again and attack any sort of normalcy I have restored. I remember the joy of finding out that we were expecting. I remember the anticipation. I remember the discussions about names, and clothes, and bedding...all of the conversations and plans. And then I remember the pain.

Not physical. But as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, thrown to the floor, and trampled on.

I wouldn't wish miscarriage on anyone. Not my worst enemy, and certainly not a friend.

A this point, all I can do is go back to that place again. The place where I wasn't sure I would ever come back from. A place of despair. A place of disappointment. A place of anger. A place of constant tears. A place where I wasn't sure my faith would survive.

To be honest, I am not really sure how I came out of that place, except to say that the love and support of my friends and family, and the prayers of countless people made all of the difference.

I wish I could fix it all. I wish that I could take the pain away from my friend, and tell her that everything was going to be alright. I wish that I could give her all of the right answers, but there are none. We must all heal. At our own pace, and in our own ways.

God,

I ask that you wrap Your loving arms around her. Pull her close to You. Remind her that You have not left her or forsaken her, and that You are carrying her now. Give her the peace that she so desperately seeks, and the wisdom to take the next steps. This is one of the ugliest, messiest parts of life, filled with deep pain. Only You have the power to overcome this. Please guide and protect her, not letting Satan get an upper hand. Restore some of the joy of Christmas in her heart. This situation makes no sense to any of us, but we know and trust that You can and will make BEAUTIFUL things out of our pain. We love You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY

He did it!!!!!

This weekend was the Christmas musical at church. Every year, this is one of my favorite Sundays! I just love watching all of the kids up on stage. They are all different, and oh so entertaining.

First, there's the ham. You know, the one who is REALLY putting on a show for everyone. Then there's the shy one. They are up on stage, but only because they have been threatened. Next, you have the kid with no rhythm. I particularly love this kid. It never fails. When they are swaying to the music, this is the kid who is going in the opposite direction, and working had to keep the clapping on beat (to no avail). There's also plenty of the other kids who are just kind of...average. You know. The ones who are just kind of indifferent. They kind of like the songs, but really don't care about being on stage

Each of the kids help to make the production memorable, and I love each of them!

Kris has always been the shy one. He dreaded getting on stage, and we even had to make a deal with his cousins to help us out. If they would go, so would Kris. Well, then. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that Kris had actually tried out for a solo. A SOLO!!!!

I knew about this from fairly early on, and all I could do was pray that he would actually do it. I couldn't help it. I just knew that he would practice and practice, only to get up on stage...in front of everyone...and then freak out or freeze.

I was wrong!

Granted, it was just a small, two-line solo. But he did it! And he did a great job!!!

Many of you probably think that I am just being the typical mom here, bragging about my baby. But you have to understand. THIS IS A BIG DEAL!!!

Up until now, Kristopher wouldn't do anything like this. He was just too shy. Anytime we are in public, he has always just kind of stood back and observed. I usually have to push or pry in order to get much out of him.

But this was ALL him.

I am so happy to see him coming out of his shell! And, yes, proud of him for doing such a good job. He knew his cue. He stepped up the the microphone. And he sang his lines clearly and on key! Yeah!!!!!!

Good job, "Munch!" I'm so proud of you!!!!!

I just realized that it's been a while since my last post. So, now the trouble is...finding something profound enough to write about. Haha!

Okay, so it doesn't really have to be all that profound.

Wow! Where has the year gone? Seriously. It's just so hard to believe that 2010 is almost over, and 2011 is looming with all of the new possibilities that a new year brings. But we can focus on that a little later.

For now, let's focus on CHRISTMAS!!!

Christmas is coming. 22 days to be exact. WOW!!!

Lights on the house? CHECK

Tree up and decorated? CHECK

Presents bought? CHECK (...well some of them anyway)

Wrapped and under the tree? NOPE. (That will happen a little later.)

I love this time of year. It's just fun for me. I love shopping for others. On the hunt for that perfect gift, and then wrapping it and trying to keep it a secret until Christmas morning. It's just so exciting! Not to mention that I get to drag out my Bing Crosby, Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong, Ella Fitzgerald, and others. Good ole classic Christmas!

No snow yet, but I am sure there will be soon.

For now, we just have to start getting used to the colder weather.

Are you ready for Christmas yet???

And we're off...again!

Well...I finally did it. I made an appointment to go back to our specialist today.

Darrin and I had decided to take a little time off from any kind of treatments, hoping that if we would just relax, things would just happen. Well...still no baby, so it's time to re-evaluate. After lots of discussion, Darrin and I have decided to start our treatments again and hope for the best.

So...anyone want to make a financial donation? Haha!

Seriously, though, it's not cheap, but we are trying to be responsible about it all. Talking with the doctor today, we decided that we would go back to the medication I had been using. After all, we know that it worked once. It just didn't end so well. The good news is, the doc has agreed to let us skip some of the monitoring that we had been doing. (Have I mentioned how much I love my doc?) This is HUGE! Our last round of treatment cost us approx $1200 with all of the monitoring. Skipping that will mean that we only have to pay for the medication. That's at least a $600 savings! The meds are still high, but it's a lot more manageable. This could mean the difference between doing 4-5 rounds of treatment as opposed to only 2. I'll take those increased odds! :o)

So, here we go again.

Hoping for the best.

Praying for a miracle.

Please pray with us and for us. The more prayers, the better. :o)

Diving in

We're gonna do it.

We've been asked to share our story, and we've decided to go for it.

I would be lying if I said that I was totally excited. Truth is, I am terrified. But, you know what? It's not about me.

So, the prayer is this; God, use our story. Help it to touch even one life. Help us to keep the focus on you instead of us. Help us to show others that they are not alone. It's not all daisies and roses. There are bad times, but we can make it through. Give us the strength that we don't have on our own; strength enough to for others who need us.

So, if you have a few minutes, please say a prayer for us. We have prepared a rough draft of our story, and there may be more work that needs done. Pray that we have find the right words to share, and that we don't let anxiety or fear get in the way of what God has planned.

Whew! I can't believe I agreed to do this. But I know that I have the support of my family and friends. Especially Darrin. (I don't know what I would do without him.) So...here goes nothing.

We're diving in...

Decisions, decisions...

Every day.

More decisions to be made.

Some are just little things that need to be decided. You know, the kind of things that don't make a whole lot of difference one way or the other. What should I wear today? Where should I have lunch? What should I watch on TV? But, then there are the other decisions that have to be made. The ones that could potentially impact much more than our small little personal bubble. Things that could affect those around us in ways more profound that we could ever imagine.

I was reminded of this again this weekend.

It seems that my ramblings in this blog has touched more people than I ever realized. And, I was so blessed to have someone tell me what my writings did for them. Wow! That's all I can really say.

When I started writing this blog, I didn't even think about the possibility that it would touch or affect anyone but myself. I just thought that it would be a good way for me to release. You know, let go of all of the crazy thoughts and emotions running through me on a given day. Just write them down, get them out, and then move on. But, thanks to a few friends (and a couple of strangers) I am beginning to realize that it's not just about me.

While I know that I have lived a blessed life thus far, there have been circumstances that I would have rather not happened. The most obvious (and most mentioned in my blog) is our struggle with infertility. I don't understand what is happening, or why it is happening, but I have been very open about all of the struggles and emotion that has come with it. And now, I have to decide again...do I share or not?

There is no new news to be shared at this point, but I have been asked to give my testimony about the struggles we have faced, and how we have made it this far through. It seems like a simple decision, right? I have already spilled my guts on here. Surely it's not that hard to do it again. Well, that's not entirely true.

You see, as much as I love talking with people, I do not like anything that remotely resembles public speaking. Ugh! I can still remember barely making it through Public Address in college. It was my least liked class (even though I loved the prof) even behind accounting. ACCOUNTING!!! See what I mean? Standing in front of people and talking...it's just so much easier for me in smaller settings. But, sometimes, God likes us to move out of what is comfortable and move in to a "riskier" arena allowing Him to do HIS work.

It's so hard, though!

I trust that He is in control and that He has a plan for it all, but the human side of me keeps thinking of how uncomfortable it is going to be. I mean, I might stumble over my words. I might ramble on. I might cry in front of people (something I detest)!

So...here I am. Praying about what I should do, and asking that you all pray for and with me. It seems like such a simple little thing, but it's a big deal to me. And, most importantly, I want to make sure that I don't chicken out of something that God wants to use.

So...I know I'm a slacker

Yes...I know. I haven't even looked at this blog in over a month. It's not that I haven't wanted to. It's just simply...life.

It seems that I have been so busy in the past month that I don't have time to do a whole lot of sitting down and reflecting. Instead, I am running here and there, trying to get people where they need to be (including myself) on time. For example, let's look at yesterday. I woke up thinking it was going to be a fairly normal day. I got Kris to school and myself to work without a hitch. Then, I made it home in time to eat a late lunch, turn around to pick up Kris from school, run and errand to Target, head back to the school to pick up my nieces, take Avery to softball practice, take Maddie to her parents and pick up my mom, take my little cousin to his mom, pick up my uncle at the bus stop, take him to his appointment, grab a bite to eat, take my uncle back home, get home and get Kris to bed by 9pm. Whew! I'm tired just typing all of that.

Things aren't always quite that crazy, but it's still very busy. And, with Christmas being only 2 months away, it's bound to get even busier. Time to get started on the gift shopping.

The funny thing is...I love this time of year. I know that I will be constantly on the move, but I love the shopping for gifts, and I love the cool weather. This is my time of year.

I just hope that I can keep up. :o)

Have you ever had one of those days?

Well, have you?

You know. The one where everything is fine...just a normal day. And then, out of the blue - tears.

Well, that was me on Wednesday. It's funny, really. I can only now talk about it without tearing up again. I don't even know why I was so emotional. It just kind of hit me. I had had an average day. Nothing out of the ordinary. No mean people at work. And then, some plans fell through in the evening. No big deal. Really. I am a pretty "go-with-the-flow" kind of gal, so things like that usually just roll off my back. But this time, I had to get back to my car as soon as possible to avoid crying in front of other people.

Now, know that I am not one to worry if anyone is seeing me cry. That is, if there is a good reason. That's what made this all the worse. There was no reason. Something about the evening just made me want to cry.

Luckily, I was able to make it to my car without bursting into tears. And, in all honesty, I didn't even have a full melt down. Just a couple of tears that were ready to escape. Still, I couldn't help but think, "This is just silly! Why am I crying?" And there were no answers.

It's one of the strangest parts of being a woman. And to be honest, one of my least favorite parts too. Oh well...life goes one. I am sure this was not the last case of spontaneous tears in my lifetime.

It has happened again...

Another pregnancy.

No..not for me. But another pregnancy.

I don't know how to say it without sounding like a whiny little baby, but WHY???

Here we are, still trying. It's been 5 years now. FIVE YEARS! Still no baby.

I just don't understand it all. My husband and I have done everything right. Even financially. Currently, we are taking a break from treatments just so we can recoup a little bit from the cost of it all. We were discussing options last night, and it's just not a pretty picture.

Oral medication + required monitoring + IUI = $1200 each month

Injectible meds + required monitoring + IUI = $4500 each month

IVF = $12,000 per round + meds

Adoption = $14,000 average

No matter which way we look at it, the costs just keep going up. And yet, the desire is still as strong as ever. But my spirit is weak.

Each time I hear of another friend or acquaintance getting pregnant, I break a little. Those who have been trying for a long time, I can relate to, and I am genuinely happy for them. But it still hurts. Not quite as bad as the others, though. You know...the ones who weren't trying. The ones who didn't want kids. The ones who it "just happened" for. The ones who say it was a "total accident." Those are the ones that hurt the most.

I know that it's not intentional. I can't expect every person I know to come to me first out of sensitivity. But I just don't get it. Why does it work so easily for them? Why did it work so easily for us the first time around? Only to be such a long and difficult journey this time?

And then it hits me. I want things to be FAIR.

Or do I?

If life were fair, and God were fair, where would that leave me? I can tell you...it would leave me in despair and pain, with no hope for anything better.

You see, God isn't fair. If He were, there would be no room for GRACE.

If God were fair, we would get what we deserve...and that isn't a good thing.

Pastor hit me with that a few weeks ago in a Sunday morning service. And, boy-oh-boy, did it hit hard. I have been sitting here all this time whining about how "it's just not fair." But that's not how God works. He didn't cause this to happen to us. But He is using it. As much as I hurt, and as deep as my desire runs, God is working. He has been refining me.

Growing empathy for others.
Developing compassion.
Testing my patience.
Asking me to trust.

I still have no idea where this journey is taking me, and I am still struggling with the pain I find along the way. But I have to stay focused. Not focused on our goal of conceiving a child, but on HIM. I know that I will still hurt. I know that I will still struggle with wanting things to be "fair." But I, now more than ever, am committing to God.

God, You know the desires of my heart. You know how deep it runs within me. I ask that you will bless us. But along the way, God, give me that peace that only you can provide. Grant me a calm and wisdom to move forward in the right direction.

Two paths...

Well...we have dealt with disappointment once again. No baby. It's been a rough month, and that was not the news we wanted, but there's nothing I can do to change it at this point.

So...now we have been discussing our options, trying to figure out what is the best path to take. Adoption has been moved a little closer to the front, but I have to admit, I'm still just not sure. While I am not opposed to adoption, I just can't shirk the feeling that I want to be PREGNANT again. I know that adoption is a great way to build a family, and there are so many children who needs loving homes, there's still that tug in my heart.

Money, however, is making it clear that we have to make a decision. We can save up and try a different treatment for infertility, or we can save up and adopt. There just doesn't seem to be much wiggle room. It's either or. And I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

I just don't know what to do. Either way, we are stepping out in faith, waiting for God to bless us with a child. But, I don't know that I am ready to just give up on conceiving. There's always that pesky question, "What if the next time is the one?" Then again, I could be asking that forever.

Please pray for us as we move forward towards the fork in the road. We need direction and peace.