Another pregnancy.
No..not for me. But another pregnancy.
I don't know how to say it without sounding like a whiny little baby, but WHY???
Here we are, still trying. It's been 5 years now. FIVE YEARS! Still no baby.
I just don't understand it all. My husband and I have done everything right. Even financially. Currently, we are taking a break from treatments just so we can recoup a little bit from the cost of it all. We were discussing options last night, and it's just not a pretty picture.
Oral medication + required monitoring + IUI = $1200 each month
Injectible meds + required monitoring + IUI = $4500 each month
IVF = $12,000 per round + meds
Adoption = $14,000 average
No matter which way we look at it, the costs just keep going up. And yet, the desire is still as strong as ever. But my spirit is weak.
Each time I hear of another friend or acquaintance getting pregnant, I break a little. Those who have been trying for a long time, I can relate to, and I am genuinely happy for them. But it still hurts. Not quite as bad as the others, though. You know...the ones who weren't trying. The ones who didn't want kids. The ones who it "just happened" for. The ones who say it was a "total accident." Those are the ones that hurt the most.
I know that it's not intentional. I can't expect every person I know to come to me first out of sensitivity. But I just don't get it. Why does it work so easily for them? Why did it work so easily for us the first time around? Only to be such a long and difficult journey this time?
And then it hits me. I want things to be FAIR.
Or do I?
If life were fair, and God were fair, where would that leave me? I can tell you...it would leave me in despair and pain, with no hope for anything better.
You see, God isn't fair. If He were, there would be no room for GRACE.
If God were fair, we would get what we deserve...and that isn't a good thing.
Pastor hit me with that a few weeks ago in a Sunday morning service. And, boy-oh-boy, did it hit hard. I have been sitting here all this time whining about how "it's just not fair." But that's not how God works. He didn't cause this to happen to us. But He is using it. As much as I hurt, and as deep as my desire runs, God is working. He has been refining me.
Growing empathy for others.
Developing compassion.
Testing my patience.
Asking me to trust.
I still have no idea where this journey is taking me, and I am still struggling with the pain I find along the way. But I have to stay focused. Not focused on our goal of conceiving a child, but on HIM. I know that I will still hurt. I know that I will still struggle with wanting things to be "fair." But I, now more than ever, am committing to God.
God, You know the desires of my heart. You know how deep it runs within me. I ask that you will bless us. But along the way, God, give me that peace that only you can provide. Grant me a calm and wisdom to move forward in the right direction.
