Another month has gone by. Once again, the answer is "no", or at least "not yet."
We have been trying for so long, and were really thinking that this was going to be the month. Everything seemed to be working out. The HSG went without a hitch. The scan showed a healthy follicle. Everything looked good. Until today.
I have to say...I just don't get it.
It's getting increasingly harder, too. Our desire to have another child is still there...strong as ever. But I have to admit, I'm getting tired.
Tired of waiting.
Tired of spending money.
Tired of worrying.
Tired of failure.
It seems that there are families having more children all around me. Even in my church. Babies everywhere.
I attended a shower not long ago for a friend at church. It was the most difficult thing I have done in a while. It was all a reminder of what I have been unable to do.
Please don't misunderstand. I know that I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have a wonderful little boy, and I can't even imagine life without him. But I just don't' understand why we can't have another.
So...today, I am hurt. I'm tired, sad, confused.
God, I have to ask, "why?" I know that I may never know the answer, but I have to ask. Help me through this once again. Keep me from falling. I feel connected with Hannah and her deep desire to have a child. Please bless us once again.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Celebrities and infertility...
Okay...so I have to admit, I kind of had my own pity party this morning. I was watching a little bit of GMA, when they ran a story about Celine Dion. She has been trying to conceive her second child, and they were making a big deal about women trying to have children after the age of 40. In this story, Celine Dion was talking about her journey, and how she was on her 5th round of IVF. They posted a quote from her on the ticker tape at the bottom of the screen, saying, "I'm going to try until it works."
While I can appreciate her determination, it kind of hit me in a sour way. I am not trying to belittle her struggle, or deny the emotional roller coaster that she is on, but all I could think about was..."well...aren't you the lucky one."
While I know that there are several women who have gone the IVF route, I can't hep but think that Celine Dion's story is far from the norm. At least far from my norm.
My husband and I have been trying to have a second child for 4 years now. Granted, we have pretty much stuck to the "old-fashioned" method, but we have sought medical intervention. And let me tell you...it's not cheap. We have been spending $35 each month for 5 tiny little pills, and then $25 each month for sticks to pee on and throw away(ovulation predictor kits). That on to of my Metformin (which, unlike the others, is thankfully covered by insurance). There there is the blood work, HSG, sonogram...it all just keeps piling on, and most of it is completely out of pocket. We may have to look at moving it IUI, and I haven't even thought about how much that is going to cost. IVF is just out of the question right now, because I know that we can't afford it.
I think that is why it really bothered me. While I understand her desire to have a child, and feel for her as she deals with infertility, I can't help but think how easy Celine has it. She isn't the one that is trying to find a way to pay for the treatments. She isn't the one who mortgaged her home in order to have a child. Her struggle, while very real and emotional, she knows that there is a chance, because she can afford to us IVF as many times as it takes.
I know that this all sounds like jealousy or envy. And I would be lying if I denied that I am struggling with it. But it's more than just me. There are so many women out there who are dealing with infertility, and many of them are in the same boat as me. They just can't afford it! And, since most states don't require insurance to cover treatments for infertility, we're just on our own.
I wish blessing for Celine Dion on her journey, but if GMA wants to do a story about infertility, maybe they should talk to the average woman who is dealing with it. They would get an entirely different perspective.
While I can appreciate her determination, it kind of hit me in a sour way. I am not trying to belittle her struggle, or deny the emotional roller coaster that she is on, but all I could think about was..."well...aren't you the lucky one."
While I know that there are several women who have gone the IVF route, I can't hep but think that Celine Dion's story is far from the norm. At least far from my norm.
My husband and I have been trying to have a second child for 4 years now. Granted, we have pretty much stuck to the "old-fashioned" method, but we have sought medical intervention. And let me tell you...it's not cheap. We have been spending $35 each month for 5 tiny little pills, and then $25 each month for sticks to pee on and throw away(ovulation predictor kits). That on to of my Metformin (which, unlike the others, is thankfully covered by insurance). There there is the blood work, HSG, sonogram...it all just keeps piling on, and most of it is completely out of pocket. We may have to look at moving it IUI, and I haven't even thought about how much that is going to cost. IVF is just out of the question right now, because I know that we can't afford it.
I think that is why it really bothered me. While I understand her desire to have a child, and feel for her as she deals with infertility, I can't help but think how easy Celine has it. She isn't the one that is trying to find a way to pay for the treatments. She isn't the one who mortgaged her home in order to have a child. Her struggle, while very real and emotional, she knows that there is a chance, because she can afford to us IVF as many times as it takes.
I know that this all sounds like jealousy or envy. And I would be lying if I denied that I am struggling with it. But it's more than just me. There are so many women out there who are dealing with infertility, and many of them are in the same boat as me. They just can't afford it! And, since most states don't require insurance to cover treatments for infertility, we're just on our own.
I wish blessing for Celine Dion on her journey, but if GMA wants to do a story about infertility, maybe they should talk to the average woman who is dealing with it. They would get an entirely different perspective.
Thursday, February 04, 2010
HSG...the quickest way to spend $1100
Yes...I spent that much money.
My husband and I decided that it was time to move on to the next step in our journey to have another child. That step was an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).
An HSG is an x-ray procedure in which they inject dye to look for any blockages or abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes. I has been warned, so I kind of new what I was getting myself into, but I'm not sure there is any way to fully prepare. I was told that it was a fairly quick procedure, but I would experience some of the worst cramping I have ever had. Well... thankfully, it was only about 1 minute total, because the cramps took my breathe away.
The good news - everything looks good. There were no abnormalities and no blockages. And, the HSG is considered diagnostic AND therapeutic. If there were any small blockages, the dye clears them. So, now we wait.
I will be going back in for a scan on day 12, to check for ovulation/healthy follicles. Then, begins the dreaded two week wait. Again.
We're hoping for the best and praying for God's blessing.
My husband and I decided that it was time to move on to the next step in our journey to have another child. That step was an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).
An HSG is an x-ray procedure in which they inject dye to look for any blockages or abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes. I has been warned, so I kind of new what I was getting myself into, but I'm not sure there is any way to fully prepare. I was told that it was a fairly quick procedure, but I would experience some of the worst cramping I have ever had. Well... thankfully, it was only about 1 minute total, because the cramps took my breathe away.
The good news - everything looks good. There were no abnormalities and no blockages. And, the HSG is considered diagnostic AND therapeutic. If there were any small blockages, the dye clears them. So, now we wait.
I will be going back in for a scan on day 12, to check for ovulation/healthy follicles. Then, begins the dreaded two week wait. Again.
We're hoping for the best and praying for God's blessing.
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