Well...no, I am not pregnant. I want to be. Desperately. But, at least I can feel that I am moving forward.
I have two important dates set for February. I am having an HSG done on the 3rd to be sure that there are no blockages or masses to worry about. Then, on the 6th, I go in for my first scan looking for ovulation. Up to this point, we have been relying on home kits, and praying that we have the perfect timing. It has worked before, but not this time. So, we move on to the next step.
However, moving on has made me think more about what we are doing. Darrin and I were lying in bed last night, talking. We have both been dealing with the monthly disappointment, and praying for God to bless our efforts. But then we re-visited a questions we had discussed early in our journey.
"Are we just taking it out of God's hands, and trying to fix it on our own by going back to the doctor time and time again?"
It's a questions that I think every Christian couple that is experiencing infertility has asked. And the bad thing is...I don't know that there is an answer. There are a couple of ways to think about it:
1. God has provided us the knowledge and the doctors to move forward with treatments, therefore, He is giving is the help we need.
2. Treatments aren't working because God wants us to rely on him instead of doctors.
Which is right? Well, I think both are.
Yes, God wants us to rely on Him. He wants us to trust and obey Him, and He provides for us. However, the knowledge we have, and the doctors we are provided with, also come from Him. I believe that God is giving us pathways to take, all the while, still asking that we trust and rely on Him. God is either going to bless our endeavor, or His isn't. No matter which path we take, the outcome is ultimately up to God.
I don't know that I am right about all of this, but I do know that I have given it to God. I don't know what His answer will be, or when I will get the answer, but I know that He will answer.
I would be interested to hear from any of you. What do you think about all of this? How far would you go? How far is it before we are relying on our own devices instead of on God?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
The clouds are creeping in...
For those of you who have been keeping up with us...this was not the month.
We have been trying for a baby for four years now. For the past nine months or so, we have been using a specialist in our efforts. The goal is to get the hormones and timing just right. We thought we were lucky when it worked right from the start, but it ended in miscarriage. Since then, there hasn't been any such luck.
I'm no expert in all of this, but I know that things just weren't right this month. I was hoping that this was going to be a good thing. However, we have found that the changes were not what we were hoping for.
So...what's next? That is for the doctor to help us decide on. After our last conversation, it looks like we will move on the a procedure called and HSG. Apparently, research has shown that this can increase chances of pregnancy by up to 20-30%. It sounds good to me, but I still have a little reservation. It's $1100. And of that, insurance will most likely cover NOTHING.
I know that we haven't even scratched the surface in the world of infertility treatments. There are so many options ranging from different drugs, IUI, etc. There are still several different avenues that we could explore, each with their own pros and cons. The hardest part is not even the money. It's the decisions.
Oh how I wish I had the answers I have been looking for.
Today has been a bit of a tough day. I try to continually focus on all of the wonderful blessings in my life in effort to push back the gloomy clouds that threaten my spirit. I don't want to be the depressed, negative-dwelling person that I could so easily become.
If you would, please keep me in your prayers. And not just me. My husband, bless his amazing heart, has been my rock throughout this whole process. I know that he is hurting too, but he worries too much about me to show it. He is one of the most wonderful blessings in my life, and I thank God for sending him into my life. He needs your prayers too.
We'll keep praying. And I appreciate the prayers of others more that you will ever know.
We have been trying for a baby for four years now. For the past nine months or so, we have been using a specialist in our efforts. The goal is to get the hormones and timing just right. We thought we were lucky when it worked right from the start, but it ended in miscarriage. Since then, there hasn't been any such luck.
I'm no expert in all of this, but I know that things just weren't right this month. I was hoping that this was going to be a good thing. However, we have found that the changes were not what we were hoping for.
So...what's next? That is for the doctor to help us decide on. After our last conversation, it looks like we will move on the a procedure called and HSG. Apparently, research has shown that this can increase chances of pregnancy by up to 20-30%. It sounds good to me, but I still have a little reservation. It's $1100. And of that, insurance will most likely cover NOTHING.
I know that we haven't even scratched the surface in the world of infertility treatments. There are so many options ranging from different drugs, IUI, etc. There are still several different avenues that we could explore, each with their own pros and cons. The hardest part is not even the money. It's the decisions.
Oh how I wish I had the answers I have been looking for.
Today has been a bit of a tough day. I try to continually focus on all of the wonderful blessings in my life in effort to push back the gloomy clouds that threaten my spirit. I don't want to be the depressed, negative-dwelling person that I could so easily become.
If you would, please keep me in your prayers. And not just me. My husband, bless his amazing heart, has been my rock throughout this whole process. I know that he is hurting too, but he worries too much about me to show it. He is one of the most wonderful blessings in my life, and I thank God for sending him into my life. He needs your prayers too.
We'll keep praying. And I appreciate the prayers of others more that you will ever know.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Refiner's Fire
It's been another long month of waiting. And, actually, it isn't over yet.
It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years since we started trying to have another baby. I never, not in my wildest dreams, thought it would take this long. So, you can imagine my mixed bag of emotions. There's anger, sadness, anxiety, hope, fear...so many different emotions that are all rolled into this season of my life.
We have come to a point that we have to decide, "How long?" How long do we continue this treatment before we move on to the next? How long do we keep trying for a baby before we start the process of adoption? How long do we wait?
It's getting kind of tricky. I don't know that there is a clear cut, picture-perfect answer to any of our questions. I know people who have gone further in their treatments. I know others who have been through the process of adoption. I just wish the answers were clear.
I've even caught myself asking God to make it blatantly clear. I've been begging, "Just show me what to do. Make it so obvious that I can't miss it." I've asked questions like, "Why am I going through this?" "Why would God give me such a desire, only to make it so difficult?" "Why would God give us the joy of a pregnancy, only to allow it to end so early?"
These are all questions that I have been asking over and over again. And yet, I don't have any clear cut answers.
Recently, I have been reminded of an email that was shared with me this past summer. It talked of The Refiner's Fire:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzles some women in a Bible study, and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about there reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat us. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about god holding us in such a hot spot; then she though again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that, ye, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it.'
If you today are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has hi eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
God is watching over you. And, whatever you are going through right now, you'll be a better person in the end.
There are days that I feel I have been left in the fire to burn. I feel like I was dumped into the flames, and am being consumed. But I know that God hasn't left me. I know that He is keeping His eyes on my, shaping me into the person He wants me to be.
It's not an easy process. It's hot, uncomfortable, and scary. But I am holding on the the fact that I will come out of the fire with a new shape, and a new shine. He has plans for me. And though I may not see them now, I trust Him.
I will still have bad days and good days, but God is working on me, in me, and through me.
It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years since we started trying to have another baby. I never, not in my wildest dreams, thought it would take this long. So, you can imagine my mixed bag of emotions. There's anger, sadness, anxiety, hope, fear...so many different emotions that are all rolled into this season of my life.
We have come to a point that we have to decide, "How long?" How long do we continue this treatment before we move on to the next? How long do we keep trying for a baby before we start the process of adoption? How long do we wait?
It's getting kind of tricky. I don't know that there is a clear cut, picture-perfect answer to any of our questions. I know people who have gone further in their treatments. I know others who have been through the process of adoption. I just wish the answers were clear.
I've even caught myself asking God to make it blatantly clear. I've been begging, "Just show me what to do. Make it so obvious that I can't miss it." I've asked questions like, "Why am I going through this?" "Why would God give me such a desire, only to make it so difficult?" "Why would God give us the joy of a pregnancy, only to allow it to end so early?"
These are all questions that I have been asking over and over again. And yet, I don't have any clear cut answers.
Recently, I have been reminded of an email that was shared with me this past summer. It talked of The Refiner's Fire:
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."
This verse puzzles some women in a Bible study, and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about there reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat us. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about god holding us in such a hot spot; then she though again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'
She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that, ye, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'
He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it.'
If you today are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has hi eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
God is watching over you. And, whatever you are going through right now, you'll be a better person in the end.
There are days that I feel I have been left in the fire to burn. I feel like I was dumped into the flames, and am being consumed. But I know that God hasn't left me. I know that He is keeping His eyes on my, shaping me into the person He wants me to be.
It's not an easy process. It's hot, uncomfortable, and scary. But I am holding on the the fact that I will come out of the fire with a new shape, and a new shine. He has plans for me. And though I may not see them now, I trust Him.
I will still have bad days and good days, but God is working on me, in me, and through me.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
More wisdom from a seven year old
Kristopher did it again.
He comes up with some of the greatest things.
Not long ago, Kristopher and Darrin were enjoying a little father/son time, playing in Kristopher's room. I'm not sure where the conversation was headed, but all of a sudden, Kristopher informed Darrin,
He comes up with some of the greatest things.
Not long ago, Kristopher and Darrin were enjoying a little father/son time, playing in Kristopher's room. I'm not sure where the conversation was headed, but all of a sudden, Kristopher informed Darrin,
"In outer space, you can do whatever you want. But this is Earth. You have to behave."
Gotta love him!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)