The past few days have not been my best.
There seems to be so much going on lately, and none of it is desirable. First, we have been dealing with Grandma (husband's side). She is 91 years old, and is really starting to deteriorate. She was placed in the hospital for 3 days, moved to a nursing home, and then moved to another home. She is barely able to walk, if at all, and her mind is all but gone. Now, they have moved her again, to a more specialized facility...45 minutes away. The stress that this is putting on my mother-in-law is spilling over. She just doesn't know what to do anymore. Sadly, there's nothing she can do. All there is to do is wait. Wait...wait...wait.
Then, to top things off, we have found out that this month was not right for us either. No pregnancy. We made an appointment to visit with the doctor, and discuss our options. Sadly, every option is out of reach right now. We just can't continue with treatment. The financial cost is just too high for us right now. Even if we keep with the same treatment we have been using, it will cost around $1100 every month. The next step in treatment raises to $3000 every month. And, thanks to the fact that the state of Kansas does not mandate that insurance companies cover infertility diagnosis and treatment, we will receive NO help. I don't know how people do it. I know that there are people who are using these treatments, and have been for months. Even years. And I haven't even mentioned IVF (average cost in this area of $12,000 per cycle).
Needless to say, our family has been under a bit of stress in the past few weeks. It feels like prayers are going up...and hitting a wall. It's times like this when we struggle. Holding on dearly to the truths we know, and crying out for God, asking for even just a glimpse of His master plan.
"For I know the plans I hold for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to five you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
At times, it sure feels like something completely different. I don't exactly feel like my family or I are prospering. I don't know that we have a full grasp on hope.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4
Why do I have this desire, if it is not is His plan?
It's all so frustrating. I have been living my life, trying to please God, and doing my best to follow His guidance and instruction. And yet, I feel...ignored...tired...angry...sad...
God, I don't know what you have in store for me, or for my family. But please, give us clarity. Help us to know that we are not going through all of this in vain. Reassure us of Your plan. Give us peace in knowing that You are in control.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Disappinted by dishonesty
I have to say. I am disappointed.
I work hard trying to keep things in check. You know...trying to understand where others are coming from. I know that we are just mere humans on this earth, and there are things that we all do wrong. This being said, I detest dishonesty.
I find it difficult to understand why people feel they need to be dishonest over the smallest things in life. If you are sick, and just don't feel like going out, just tell me. If you don't agree with something I say, just tell me. If you want out of something that you committed to, just tell me. On most occasions, it's not that big of a deal. So, why do some of us (yes, I am including myself in this - I'm not perfect) feel the need to lie?
I find myself in yet another situation where, if people had just been honest up front, the entire situation would have been avoided. Instead, they felt that it was better to avoid and hide. Easier? Probably. Better? No!
And what really bothers me, is that it involves someone who claims to be a minister.
Disclaimer: I am not talking about any of the staff of my church. In fact, I don't know which church this minister is associated with.
Still...a minister. Really? This is a person who is supposed to be a shepherd. Bringing others to Christ, living as an example of Him. They are the teachers of religion and faith. They are supposed to lead the rest of us. I know that none of us are equal to Christ, but we're supposed to strive to be like Him. And, while I am not a Bible scholar, I don't recall Christ telling lies to avoid trouble. He did the exact opposite. Christ told truth no matter what the cost, all in love.
I just really disturbs me when I see things like this happening. I know, I know. We are all human. We all make mistakes. I just hope that this minister realizes that they are spinning a web of lies, and helping to tear down a part of His kingdom, and making it harder for Christians to reach others. Another unfortunate part of being human, is that we learn from experience. So, when we are lied to be those claiming to be followers of Christ, examples of Him, why would we want any part of that?
It's doubtful that the person I am speaking of will ever read this, and that's fine. I just needed to express my disappointment.
And, if you do read this, Minister...I am praying for you. Not in a discriminatory, spiteful manner, but in a spirit of love. I hope that you find whatever it is that you are needing to find. Just please try to remember, when you claim the name of Christ, you are an extension of Him. Strive to be like him.
Loving, honest, and faithful.
I work hard trying to keep things in check. You know...trying to understand where others are coming from. I know that we are just mere humans on this earth, and there are things that we all do wrong. This being said, I detest dishonesty.
I find it difficult to understand why people feel they need to be dishonest over the smallest things in life. If you are sick, and just don't feel like going out, just tell me. If you don't agree with something I say, just tell me. If you want out of something that you committed to, just tell me. On most occasions, it's not that big of a deal. So, why do some of us (yes, I am including myself in this - I'm not perfect) feel the need to lie?
I find myself in yet another situation where, if people had just been honest up front, the entire situation would have been avoided. Instead, they felt that it was better to avoid and hide. Easier? Probably. Better? No!
And what really bothers me, is that it involves someone who claims to be a minister.
Disclaimer: I am not talking about any of the staff of my church. In fact, I don't know which church this minister is associated with.
Still...a minister. Really? This is a person who is supposed to be a shepherd. Bringing others to Christ, living as an example of Him. They are the teachers of religion and faith. They are supposed to lead the rest of us. I know that none of us are equal to Christ, but we're supposed to strive to be like Him. And, while I am not a Bible scholar, I don't recall Christ telling lies to avoid trouble. He did the exact opposite. Christ told truth no matter what the cost, all in love.
I just really disturbs me when I see things like this happening. I know, I know. We are all human. We all make mistakes. I just hope that this minister realizes that they are spinning a web of lies, and helping to tear down a part of His kingdom, and making it harder for Christians to reach others. Another unfortunate part of being human, is that we learn from experience. So, when we are lied to be those claiming to be followers of Christ, examples of Him, why would we want any part of that?
It's doubtful that the person I am speaking of will ever read this, and that's fine. I just needed to express my disappointment.
And, if you do read this, Minister...I am praying for you. Not in a discriminatory, spiteful manner, but in a spirit of love. I hope that you find whatever it is that you are needing to find. Just please try to remember, when you claim the name of Christ, you are an extension of Him. Strive to be like him.
Loving, honest, and faithful.
Friday, June 04, 2010
One last time...
I know that it's been a while since my last update. Summer has taken off quickly, and there hasn't been a lot of free time. But, i have to admit, I love it. Kris is in baseball, and having a good time. We're playing volleyball again through BRIDGES. And, somewhere...hopefully...we will squeeze in a little vacation time for the three of us. Yup...just the three of us.
By now, I was really hoping to be able to tell everyone that we were expecting a baby. However, I guess my plans haven't really lined up with what God has in store for us.
This past year has been an emotional roller coaster. Hormones are soaring to new heights, turning me in to a human slot machine. Pull the lever, and you never know what will turn up. Happy....happy....tears! Not exactly a jackpot situation.
Still, I have to admit, things could be worse.
The hardest thing that we are dealing with now is the reality that medical intervention is most likely coming to an end. Last month, after filling my prescription, we received a letter from our insurance stating that they would no longer be covering my medication as is it being used for fertility treatment. Nice. So...since the timing wasn't perfect, we are trying again this month, and paid $300 for five days of medication. Yup. That's right. $60 every morning. Gotta love it.
The cost of the medication, combined with the dominant follicle scans and other treatment raises the cost of one month to over $1000 - all out of pocket. Needless to say, we just can't afford to continue. Not if we want to be responsible adults and stay out of debt.
Emotionally, I am just about spent.
Psychologically, I keep fighting the doubts and fears, making me exhausted.
Spiritually, I have so many questions.
Questions like, "Why?"
Why are we going through this? We have done everything "right." We both waited until we were married for sex. We waited a couple of years before trying for our first to give us time to get used to being married. We got out of debt. We're raising our son to love Jesus. We're both Christians, members of our church and faithful attenders. We love being involved in the church, and serving. We took the right steps going to the doctor. First with our family doctor and then moving on to a specialist. A pregnancy. A miscarriage. Back to the doctor.
Why do I have this desire if God isn't going to fulfill it? Scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I truly believe that God has placed this desire within me. I just wish I knew why it wasn't being fulfilled.
Why are others able to conceive so easily?
Why am I surrounded by pregnant women?
The list of questions goes on and on. I don't know that I will ever know the answers this side of Heaven, but oh how I wish I could. I don't feel that I am loosing faith. I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for my life, and that He will use everything for good. I just wish I could have a glimpse. Some tiny morsel to prove to my human mind and emotion that it is all worth it.
But, then, I have to focus on now. This is a new month, and there are new things to be revealed. Maybe this is the month. Maybe this is God's timing. Maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.
Oh God. Please hear my plea. I know that your plan and timing are perfect. But I ask that you hear me. You know the deep desire we have for another child. Fulfill the desire of our hearts, and give us a child. Please bless our efforts, and guide the doctor as he advises us. Give all of us Your wisdom as we proceed. Thank you for hearing me. Thank for you blessing us with amazing friends and family who have been our support throughout. Thank you for loving me.
By now, I was really hoping to be able to tell everyone that we were expecting a baby. However, I guess my plans haven't really lined up with what God has in store for us.
This past year has been an emotional roller coaster. Hormones are soaring to new heights, turning me in to a human slot machine. Pull the lever, and you never know what will turn up. Happy....happy....tears! Not exactly a jackpot situation.
Still, I have to admit, things could be worse.
The hardest thing that we are dealing with now is the reality that medical intervention is most likely coming to an end. Last month, after filling my prescription, we received a letter from our insurance stating that they would no longer be covering my medication as is it being used for fertility treatment. Nice. So...since the timing wasn't perfect, we are trying again this month, and paid $300 for five days of medication. Yup. That's right. $60 every morning. Gotta love it.
The cost of the medication, combined with the dominant follicle scans and other treatment raises the cost of one month to over $1000 - all out of pocket. Needless to say, we just can't afford to continue. Not if we want to be responsible adults and stay out of debt.
Emotionally, I am just about spent.
Psychologically, I keep fighting the doubts and fears, making me exhausted.
Spiritually, I have so many questions.
Questions like, "Why?"
Why are we going through this? We have done everything "right." We both waited until we were married for sex. We waited a couple of years before trying for our first to give us time to get used to being married. We got out of debt. We're raising our son to love Jesus. We're both Christians, members of our church and faithful attenders. We love being involved in the church, and serving. We took the right steps going to the doctor. First with our family doctor and then moving on to a specialist. A pregnancy. A miscarriage. Back to the doctor.
Why do I have this desire if God isn't going to fulfill it? Scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I truly believe that God has placed this desire within me. I just wish I knew why it wasn't being fulfilled.
Why are others able to conceive so easily?
Why am I surrounded by pregnant women?
The list of questions goes on and on. I don't know that I will ever know the answers this side of Heaven, but oh how I wish I could. I don't feel that I am loosing faith. I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for my life, and that He will use everything for good. I just wish I could have a glimpse. Some tiny morsel to prove to my human mind and emotion that it is all worth it.
But, then, I have to focus on now. This is a new month, and there are new things to be revealed. Maybe this is the month. Maybe this is God's timing. Maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.
Oh God. Please hear my plea. I know that your plan and timing are perfect. But I ask that you hear me. You know the deep desire we have for another child. Fulfill the desire of our hearts, and give us a child. Please bless our efforts, and guide the doctor as he advises us. Give all of us Your wisdom as we proceed. Thank you for hearing me. Thank for you blessing us with amazing friends and family who have been our support throughout. Thank you for loving me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)