Stressed? Yeah...you could say that.

The past few days have not been my best.

There seems to be so much going on lately, and none of it is desirable. First, we have been dealing with Grandma (husband's side). She is 91 years old, and is really starting to deteriorate. She was placed in the hospital for 3 days, moved to a nursing home, and then moved to another home. She is barely able to walk, if at all, and her mind is all but gone. Now, they have moved her again, to a more specialized facility...45 minutes away. The stress that this is putting on my mother-in-law is spilling over. She just doesn't know what to do anymore. Sadly, there's nothing she can do. All there is to do is wait. Wait...wait...wait.

Then, to top things off, we have found out that this month was not right for us either. No pregnancy. We made an appointment to visit with the doctor, and discuss our options. Sadly, every option is out of reach right now. We just can't continue with treatment. The financial cost is just too high for us right now. Even if we keep with the same treatment we have been using, it will cost around $1100 every month. The next step in treatment raises to $3000 every month. And, thanks to the fact that the state of Kansas does not mandate that insurance companies cover infertility diagnosis and treatment, we will receive NO help. I don't know how people do it. I know that there are people who are using these treatments, and have been for months. Even years. And I haven't even mentioned IVF (average cost in this area of $12,000 per cycle).

Needless to say, our family has been under a bit of stress in the past few weeks. It feels like prayers are going up...and hitting a wall. It's times like this when we struggle. Holding on dearly to the truths we know, and crying out for God, asking for even just a glimpse of His master plan.

"For I know the plans I hold for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you. Plans to five you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

At times, it sure feels like something completely different. I don't exactly feel like my family or I are prospering. I don't know that we have a full grasp on hope.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Why do I have this desire, if it is not is His plan?

It's all so frustrating. I have been living my life, trying to please God, and doing my best to follow His guidance and instruction. And yet, I feel...ignored...tired...angry...sad...

God, I don't know what you have in store for me, or for my family. But please, give us clarity. Help us to know that we are not going through all of this in vain. Reassure us of Your plan. Give us peace in knowing that You are in control.