One last time...

I know that it's been a while since my last update. Summer has taken off quickly, and there hasn't been a lot of free time. But, i have to admit, I love it. Kris is in baseball, and having a good time. We're playing volleyball again through BRIDGES. And, somewhere...hopefully...we will squeeze in a little vacation time for the three of us. Yup...just the three of us.

By now, I was really hoping to be able to tell everyone that we were expecting a baby. However, I guess my plans haven't really lined up with what God has in store for us.

This past year has been an emotional roller coaster. Hormones are soaring to new heights, turning me in to a human slot machine. Pull the lever, and you never know what will turn up. Happy....happy....tears! Not exactly a jackpot situation.

Still, I have to admit, things could be worse.

The hardest thing that we are dealing with now is the reality that medical intervention is most likely coming to an end. Last month, after filling my prescription, we received a letter from our insurance stating that they would no longer be covering my medication as is it being used for fertility treatment. Nice. So...since the timing wasn't perfect, we are trying again this month, and paid $300 for five days of medication. Yup. That's right. $60 every morning. Gotta love it.

The cost of the medication, combined with the dominant follicle scans and other treatment raises the cost of one month to over $1000 - all out of pocket. Needless to say, we just can't afford to continue. Not if we want to be responsible adults and stay out of debt.

Emotionally, I am just about spent.
Psychologically, I keep fighting the doubts and fears, making me exhausted.
Spiritually, I have so many questions.

Questions like, "Why?"

Why are we going through this? We have done everything "right." We both waited until we were married for sex. We waited a couple of years before trying for our first to give us time to get used to being married. We got out of debt. We're raising our son to love Jesus. We're both Christians, members of our church and faithful attenders. We love being involved in the church, and serving. We took the right steps going to the doctor. First with our family doctor and then moving on to a specialist. A pregnancy. A miscarriage. Back to the doctor.

Why do I have this desire if God isn't going to fulfill it? Scripture says in Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." I truly believe that God has placed this desire within me. I just wish I knew why it wasn't being fulfilled.

Why are others able to conceive so easily?

Why am I surrounded by pregnant women?

The list of questions goes on and on. I don't know that I will ever know the answers this side of Heaven, but oh how I wish I could. I don't feel that I am loosing faith. I still strongly believe that God has a purpose for my life, and that He will use everything for good. I just wish I could have a glimpse. Some tiny morsel to prove to my human mind and emotion that it is all worth it.

But, then, I have to focus on now. This is a new month, and there are new things to be revealed. Maybe this is the month. Maybe this is God's timing. Maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.

Oh God. Please hear my plea. I know that your plan and timing are perfect. But I ask that you hear me. You know the deep desire we have for another child. Fulfill the desire of our hearts, and give us a child. Please bless our efforts, and guide the doctor as he advises us. Give all of us Your wisdom as we proceed. Thank you for hearing me. Thank for you blessing us with amazing friends and family who have been our support throughout. Thank you for loving me.