What is normal anyway?

Things are better. Still not amazing, but better. Most of the time, I can function like normal, but I still have moments every now and then, but they are becoming fewer. However, I do have to admit...Sunday wasn't the best. I was fine for most of the day, but I had to tell someone at church about the miscarriage. They hadn't heard, and asked how I was feeling. It was't pretty. I recovered fairly well, but later that day, when I was driving home from Wal-Mart, I just started crying. I was TOTALLY unprepaired for that. There was no obvious reason...I just felt like crying. So I did. And that is the part of this whole thing that I hate. Just when I feel like I am getting better, and that things are going good...BAM! I become a mess. Emotions are just crappy sometimes.

I did go back to see my specialist. He was really great about explaining everything, but still putting a positive light on it all. He asked me several times if I was sure I was ready to go on "tihs emotional roller coaster" again, telling me that he could tell me if my body was ready, but I am the only one who can tell if I am REALLY ready. And ya know what? I think I am. I really do. I know that it's still emotional at times, but we have been trying for over 3 years now. I think I NEED to move on in this way, or else I would dwell on it forever. So, he had the nurse prepare the progestrone shot, and now I am just waiting for the cycle to begin. Actually, it kind of has, and I will most likely be put back on my Femara by Wednesday.

So...that is where we are right now. It's still not completly back to normal, and I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be "normal" again. It's not normal to go through this kind of loss. But, thanks to the support of my family, and friends, along with the grace of God, I am making it. Day by day.

I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Heart for Dwight

Please, take a moment and check out www.heartfordwight.com.

He is a wonderful man, and has an amazing family. I am blessed to call them friends.

Heal Me!

This week, I've scheduled two doctor's appointments. Today, my rheumatologist, and tomorrow, reproductive specialist. And now, I find myself in an interesting position.

You see, I have been diagnosed as having a form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis. Basically, that is just a fancy name for chronic inflammation in the back and other joints. I've been fairly lucky...only having one flair up in the last two years. However, this one is a whopper! My right ankle has been swollen now for about 2 months. At first, I treated it at home with ibuprofen. The next step was a steroid injection into my ankle. Then, prescription medication. And now, a new medicine. Just about any other time of my life, I would just say, "Okay," and take it on the chin. Right now, though, it's a bit complicated.

My hubby and I are still wanting a baby, and plan on pursuing it fully. We have been blessed with a wonderful son, but miscarried our second pregnancy this past May. I'm only 30 (nearly 31), so we figure...now is the time. But now, of all times, my arthritis comes roaring in, threatening to delay things again. Since we are wanting a baby, it limits the medications I can use. However, if I don't treat the inflammation, it can cause permanent damage. :o(

So...I am waiting until tomorrow. We will see our specialist, find out what we need to do to prepare/try for another pregnancy, and ask LOTS of questions. I am praying that all goes well, and we can proceed as planned. The new medication can be taken, but my rheumatologist said it will be stopped if I get pregnant, just to be safe.

I just really need healing right now! As silly as an ankle sounds, I need healing. I want the swelling to go away. I want the pain to subside. I want to be pregnant. I want my body to work!!!!!

Please pray for me. Pray for God's healing touch. I need it now, in so many ways.