Friday, October 21, 2011

Journey update

Two weeks down. Eight to go.

PS-MAPP classes are going well so far, but I have to admit, I was not prepared for the paperwork.

This week, we had to turn in our family profile. This consisted of several packets, filled with questions. Some easy to answer. Some not so easy. Some very repetitive. Still, we made our way through it, and even included a short letter and picture from Kristopher.

This week's homework, however, I am not looking forward to. This is the first time that we have to answer the questions about infertility and how it has shaped our decision to foster/adopt.

Cue tears now.

I seriously about started crying right there in class when we were talking about the assignment. I think it was the first time that I realized that Darrin and I may be the only couple in our group who are dealing with infertility. The others are a little older than us with kids of their own. They have decided to add to their family, but decided that they are "too old to have another baby." Well...I'm not too old.

As silly as it may sound, I have been avoiding our notebook all week. I just don't want to look at those questions. I don't want to relive all of the pain. I don't want to cry again.

Still, I know that I have to push through and finish the paperwork. It is all part of learning, and searching our hearts to see if this is REALLY the route we are meant to take.

So, if you will, please pray for Darrin and I. This week's homework is the most difficult to date, but I have a feeling there is harder still to come.

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Starting on our journey...

Well...we finally made a decision.

Last night was the first night of a 10 week course that is the beginning of the journey to becoming a foster/adoptive family.

After trying to conceive a second child for nearly 7 years now, we made the decision to take steps into the foster care/adoption world. The first thing we have to do is participate in a 10 week training course called PS-MAPP. This will be one of the many things used to help up make the final decision of whether or not to become foster/adoptive parents, helping us to develop the skills we will need as we take these steps of faith.

I am very excited about this new endeavor, but I have to admit, I am also scared, worried, and even a little sad.

I am so excited to think that in a matter of months, we will be able to help other children but providing a loving and safe home. The stories that some children have could make just about anyone cry. To think that they need to be removed from their home just breaks my heart, but I am so glad that there are other willing to step up and help children be children.

I would be lying, though if I said that this whole process isn't a little scary. I mean, think about it. I don't know everything I will be getting in to. There is always that unknown...have the kids been abused? Do they have behaviors that need addressed? Will Kristopher take to the foster care process? What will he be feeling with new foster siblings coming and going as the circumstance dictates? There are so many possible hurdles that we will face with each individual case, so there is no way to fully prepare. That is scary to me.

The sadness is what hit me this week as we prepared for our first class. I was simply talking with another parent from my son's school, and mentioned that we would be starting this process. She expressed her well-wishes and excitement for us, when suddenly, out of nowhere, I was hit with tears. Out of the blue, I was hit with the question, "Have we just given up?"

We have been trying for 7 years to grow our family. Throughout that time, we have been clinging on to the hope that it could still happen. Even after miscarriage, I tried to stay focused on moving forward, and leaning hard into the arms of friends, family and God. But, now that we have started this new branch of our life journey, part of me feels as if we are just walking away from everything we have worked for. I know that we haven't given up. There is always the possibility of conceiving and growing our family naturally, and I know that we are still working towards that goal. That's what made it so difficult. It was the irrational, emotion-filled response. But it is still there...in the back of my mind.

So here we go...off into the next leg of the journey. Headed out into the unknown. Anxious. Excited. Scared. But ready to see where this takes us.