Have you heard that verse? Psalm 37:4 reads,
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart,"
I have been reciting that verse in my mind for years now and wondering why it wasn't really happening for us. You see, I had it in my mind that if only we would be happy and joyful in our Christian walk, then we would be successful in having another child. After all, that was the desire of my heart. This is one of God's promises, right?
Well, after eight years, yes eight years, I think I may have figured something out. This is a promise of God, but I think I have misunderstood it.
God wasn't ignoring me. He wasn't holding out on me. I wasn't being punished for anything. God was working. I just didn't see it.
For years, I have struggled with infertility. My husband and I were blessed with our son, Kristopher, in 2003. However, when we made the decision to have more children, it just didn't happen. I tried medication, trips to a specialist, different medication, procedures, and even a minor surgery. Through all of that, I were able to conceive once more, but it ended in miscarriage. Eight years and a lot of money; all gone with nothing to show for it.
The whole time that I was going through this I would be reciting Psalm 37:4 in my mind. I just knew that God was going to give us another child. It was the one desire of my heart. I am a good person. Darrin and I did everything "right."
No premarital sex.
Paid off all of our debt.
Faithful giving to the church.
Serving in the church.
Loving our family.
Striving to be a good friend.
I really struggled with this. Why was God denying me this one thing? Why couldn't I have another child. The desire of my heart was to have more children, and I wasn't seeing that happen.
There came a point that Darrin and I decided that we needed to take a break from all of the treatment. It was getting expensive, and there was no insurance coverage for it. We had talked about looking at adoption, but I just wasn't really feeling 'lead' that way, so we only did a little research. I convinced myself and Darrin that adoption wasn't the right answer. After all, it is quite expensive and not really guaranteed either. I started back on treatments, but there was still no positive results. Then we started talking about foster care.
The classes were taken, the licensing was done, and VERY soon, we had out first placement. It was not an adoption case, so I knew that these kids were not meant to be with us forever, So, I continued treatment, hoping that my desire would be fulfilled. Nothing.
The children in our care were later placed in another home. We were back to our own normal; whatever that is.
That's when things started to change.
My aunt called me, asking if we would be interested in meeting a couple of little girls who may be needing to find adoptive parents. I still wasn't completely sure about it all. This wasn't what I had envisioned. Still, I talked with Darrin, and we decided to meet the girls.
They. Were. BEAUTIFUL. And loving. And sweet. Wait...was I getting excited about this?
It all happened so quickly. Before we knew it, the girls were living with us as a foster placement. Kris had two new little sisters now! Things were very different. I was busier. A lot busier. My mind didn't have time to dwell on all of the medication or treatments, and suddenly, that wasn't my focus anymore.
Well, now, here we are. A house full of children, and all that comes with them. The good, the bad and the ugly. Haha!!! I am delighting in the Lord! But here is the amazing part...
I finally feel like He is giving me the desire of my heart.
We are in the process of adopting these little girls. I am getting more children! It's just not happening in the way that I had envisioned it. My sights were too narrow to see that God was preparing me. God was working in me to get me ready to love these little girls. No, they are not my biological daughters, but they are MY girls.
Sometimes I think that the crazy roller coaster journey of infertility can cause us to have tunnel vision. The goal is a baby. Keep your eye on the prize, and nothing can get in the way. I have learned, though, that my tunnel vision was keeping me from seeing the amazing plan that God had in store for me.
I didn't get a baby, but I am getting to mother more children.
My desire hasn't changed.
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Hold on to this promise. Just remember to be open to the different ways in which God will fulfill this promise.
He is faithful!