So, at this point, I feel like a hot mess. That's honestly the best I can describe it at this point. I don't have one teeny bit of control over my emotions, and I hate it! HATE it!!!
It seems to happen like this a lot lately. Every time I feel like I am making a real recovery...BAM! Out of nowhere come tears, anger, and everything else that comes with coping with a loss.
Today, some friends of mine were blessed with a baby boy. I am so happy for them as they enter this new chapter of their lives, but there is a part of me that just...well...hurts. It's so crazy to me! I knew they were having a baby, long before I found out about my own pregnancy. They are a young couple, with their first child. It's a beautiful time for them. And I really am happy for them. Honestly! But at the same time, it's like a scab has been picked at, and I am starting to bleed again.
Just thinking about them...I so badly want to be there to celebrate with them. Yet, I don't know that I can make myself go to the hospital and visit. Even now...tears well up in my eyes and I have to fight them back. It just seems silly to me that such a joyous time has to be tainted like this.
I know that some of you just think, "You just need to push through. You have to make yourself do it. There's no reason for you to be sad about this." Believe me. I have said all of those things to myself, but it doesn't stop the pain. I know that I need to keep on living. I know that I need to, at some point, be near babies. I know that I shouldn't be sad. This is a happy time! But my heart still hurts. There's a wound on my heart. One that I desperately want to heal. I know that it will take time, and I know that, even years from now, I will still feel the loss. I just can't help but be human, and want the pain to go away!
God, I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying to keep my focus on you. I know that I can't see the same big picture that you see, but I want to...with all of my heart. I am trusting that you will use my pain to help someone else, because I know that it is your promise. You will use all things for the good of your kingdom. Help me to remember that, even in my darkest times. Thank you for your healing. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your sacrifice to make me whole. - Amen
1 comment:
Kim,
Those feelings you're having are real and honest and there's no reaon for you to be mad at yourself or upset for having them. It is definitely part of the grieving process. I had 2 miscarriages so I know those exact same feelings. Shortly after I had my 2nd miscarriage, a very young girl I knew got pregnant and gave her baby up for adoption. It was so hard on me to understand why young girls (who don't always want the baby) get pregnant easily and then I here I was wanting a baby so bad and was struggling to stay pregnant. I am praying for you every step of this healing process. Allow yourself time to grieve - it is nothing to be ashamed of.
And please let me know if I can do anything for you.
Love,
Megan Keith
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