A breaking heart...

It has happened again.

I don't know that I can fully explain why or how it happens, but my heart is breaking again. Except, this time it's not for me.

Despite my best attempts to appear tough and strong, I have always been a bit of a softy. You see, I just break a little every time I see someone hurting. And, it has happened again.

An acquaintance from church (hopefully a budding friendship...just because I think she is awesome) is hurting right now. She and her husband, much like Darrin and I, have been trying to conceive for some time now. Sure, it hasn't been all that long in the grand scheme of things, but I can promise you this; it's forever when you are the one trying. Anyway, they thought they were going to have some good news for Christmas. She got a positive pregnancy test. However, only a few short weeks into the pregnancy, and things just weren't right. Blood work has now confirmed it. Miscarriage.

That has to be one of the ugliest words I know. Medically speaking, it's "spontaneous abortion." The baby, for any number of reasons, reason we may never know, has stopped growing. It is no longer living. And yet, it's still there. At least for the time being. The hormones are still there, reeking havoc on a woman as they try to deal with the reality. We will never know this child.

Every time I hear of another woman going through miscarriage, my heart breaks again. It seems that the raw emotions find a way to climb to the surface again and attack any sort of normalcy I have restored. I remember the joy of finding out that we were expecting. I remember the anticipation. I remember the discussions about names, and clothes, and bedding...all of the conversations and plans. And then I remember the pain.

Not physical. But as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest, thrown to the floor, and trampled on.

I wouldn't wish miscarriage on anyone. Not my worst enemy, and certainly not a friend.

A this point, all I can do is go back to that place again. The place where I wasn't sure I would ever come back from. A place of despair. A place of disappointment. A place of anger. A place of constant tears. A place where I wasn't sure my faith would survive.

To be honest, I am not really sure how I came out of that place, except to say that the love and support of my friends and family, and the prayers of countless people made all of the difference.

I wish I could fix it all. I wish that I could take the pain away from my friend, and tell her that everything was going to be alright. I wish that I could give her all of the right answers, but there are none. We must all heal. At our own pace, and in our own ways.

God,

I ask that you wrap Your loving arms around her. Pull her close to You. Remind her that You have not left her or forsaken her, and that You are carrying her now. Give her the peace that she so desperately seeks, and the wisdom to take the next steps. This is one of the ugliest, messiest parts of life, filled with deep pain. Only You have the power to overcome this. Please guide and protect her, not letting Satan get an upper hand. Restore some of the joy of Christmas in her heart. This situation makes no sense to any of us, but we know and trust that You can and will make BEAUTIFUL things out of our pain. We love You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OR7VOKQ0xJY