In the last few years, I have become a fan of author Neta Jackson. I first discovered her series The Yada Yada Prayer Group by accident when traveling to Arkansas for a friends wedding. I found myself anxiously awaiting the next installment of the series, and then devouring the book as soon as I could find it. Much to my dismay, that series, as all good things, eventually came to an end.
Well...luckily, Neta has done it again! She started a new series. It's still set in Chicago, still uses many of the same characters, but introduces a new set of characters as well. I received the first release from this series, Where Do I Go?, at Christmas. It seemed that there was always something going on, and I knew that I wanted to be able to really read this novel, so I had left it sitting on the table since December. Waiting for the perfect time so that I could just read. No other distractions. Just sit and read. Well...do you know anyone who has that kind of time? Seriously? I mean, I have a husband, a six year old son, two dogs, and a life that just won't sit still. So, I decided last week I was just going to do it. It's time to read!
The novel started out simple enough. Good setting. Good characters. Good plot. It's really an enjoyable read. However, it's not a simple read. At least not for me. I didn't really fully comprehend the title of the book.
Where Do I Go? Well...duh...when you are in trouble and life isn't what you expected...you go to God. Right? Right. It seems simple. Especially for someone who has grown up in church. But the more I read, the more I realized...this isn't just a simple, fun read for me. It's a reminder. I need to go to Him. Now, more than ever.
If you have read any of my past blogs, you know that my life hasn't been anything that I was expecting. My husband and I had plans for a family. We have been blessed with a wonderful son who enriches our lives daily. And our hopes were that we could grow our family even more in the following years. We tried for 3 years, finally getting a diagnosis of PCOS, and finding a specialist who gave us more hope. Finally, a pregnancy! We were so excited, and were praising God for this tiny little miracle. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage.
I'm still dealing with all of the muddled emotions, and know that I will be for quite some time. There was a life lost. Grieving. Tears. Sadness. Anger. Wondering, "Why?". I know that all of the emotions are normal, but I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith.
Sunday's message was just another reminder (and encouragement). Pastor was very clear in delivering the truth. We have to make a decision. Our perspective...our attitude...our faith...it all will determine where we end up when trials come. Therefore...my prayer has been transformed. I am trying to change the focus from, "God, why me?" to a prayer of, "God, use me." God is not the author of my troubles, but He will use it for good. I may never see the fruits this side of Heaven, but I am holding on to that truth.
Please continue praying for me and with me, that I will keep the right perspective and the right attitude.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Spontaneous Combustion
Wow! I wasn't expecting that. (But, then again, a lot of things have been happening that I never expected.) I just received a call today from my pastor. He was just calling to let me know that he's been thinking of us and praying for us this week, and asked if we needed anything. Our pastor is a wonderful man, and I really do appreciate his call, but as soon as I hung up...I began to cry.
My husband and I have been healing slowly after the miscarriage of our tiny little baby. I thought I was doing pretty well. So well, in fact, that I was proud to say I have had a few tear free days. I couldn't help but think, "I'm beginning to heal. It's doesn't hurt quite as bad." Until today.
It's funny how tears can sneak up on you like that. Just when you think that you have a handle on things...BAM! The dam breaks, and the tears start to roll again. I'll never understand what sparks them, either. I just have to credit it to the fact that I am still in process of healing. Though, I have to admit, I wish there was a magic number. A date, or a time frame. Something to let me know that the end is near, and the tears will stop surprising me.
I guess if I out a positive spin on the whole situation I can say one thing. At least I made it through the phone call before the water works began. A week ago, I couldn't say that. Even a few days ago, that would be a stretch.
Thank God for friends and family who are willing to put up with my spontaneous combustion of tears!
My husband and I have been healing slowly after the miscarriage of our tiny little baby. I thought I was doing pretty well. So well, in fact, that I was proud to say I have had a few tear free days. I couldn't help but think, "I'm beginning to heal. It's doesn't hurt quite as bad." Until today.
It's funny how tears can sneak up on you like that. Just when you think that you have a handle on things...BAM! The dam breaks, and the tears start to roll again. I'll never understand what sparks them, either. I just have to credit it to the fact that I am still in process of healing. Though, I have to admit, I wish there was a magic number. A date, or a time frame. Something to let me know that the end is near, and the tears will stop surprising me.
I guess if I out a positive spin on the whole situation I can say one thing. At least I made it through the phone call before the water works began. A week ago, I couldn't say that. Even a few days ago, that would be a stretch.
Thank God for friends and family who are willing to put up with my spontaneous combustion of tears!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Further down the road...
Well...it has been a full week since all of the chaos started. Mother's Day Sunday was when I noticed any problem with my pregnancy, and this past Sunday was the official end. I can tell you for certain, that I am no longer pregnant.
As hard as that is to share, I can't help but keep looking forward. Darrin and I are still wanting a baby, and we don't plan on giving up. In fact, I have already scheduled our appointment with the specialist so that we can discuss the next steps.
I'm am not, in any way, trying to live in denial. There is still a very deep wound on my heart, and I assure you all that I will never forget this past week. We lost our precious little baby. Too small for the world to meet, but none the less, a living being. We saw that tiny little heartbeat, and fell in love instantly. We don't know if it was a boy or a girl. We don't know which one of us the baby would look like. But I know that someday, we will see. We will hold our baby in heaven. Until that day, I have chosen to leave it all in God's hands.
We will be trying again for a baby...as soon as possible. I still have a hope that just won't be broken, and I believe that God will bless us with another child. Our hope has been placed in the hands of God.
A friend of mine sent an email today that encouraged me greatly. So, hear I am sharing it with all of you:
As hard as that is to share, I can't help but keep looking forward. Darrin and I are still wanting a baby, and we don't plan on giving up. In fact, I have already scheduled our appointment with the specialist so that we can discuss the next steps.
I'm am not, in any way, trying to live in denial. There is still a very deep wound on my heart, and I assure you all that I will never forget this past week. We lost our precious little baby. Too small for the world to meet, but none the less, a living being. We saw that tiny little heartbeat, and fell in love instantly. We don't know if it was a boy or a girl. We don't know which one of us the baby would look like. But I know that someday, we will see. We will hold our baby in heaven. Until that day, I have chosen to leave it all in God's hands.
We will be trying again for a baby...as soon as possible. I still have a hope that just won't be broken, and I believe that God will bless us with another child. Our hope has been placed in the hands of God.
A friend of mine sent an email today that encouraged me greatly. So, hear I am sharing it with all of you:
Hope in God Does Not Disappoint
I had waited for a decision that would directly affect my life in major ways. I began to look forward to the changes that would occur when the months of waiting were over. More than that, though, I looked to the Lord. His will would be perfect no matter what the outcome would be.
One Monday morning I received the anticipated phone call. The answer was "No." The opportunity I had dreamed about would not be offered.
I hung up the phone wondering if my spirit would fall after learning that these months of anticipation were answered with God's "No." Suddenly I was amazed to be filled with overwhelming joy. My daughter came into the room and while telling her about the phone call I was so overcome by joy that tears began to flow.
When an apology was offered a few days later, I could honestly say, "I'm not disappointed. I was hoping in God, not in you."
"Those who hope in me will not be disappointed" (Isaiah 49:23). Yet even that ability to hope, we must find in Him. Those who quietly rest in Christ, trust Him to supply not only that rest but the ability to rest. It would be foolish to think that we can experience rest through our own strength.
Jesus, please give me discernment to know when my hope is in something or someone other than You.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Life...it's not an easy journey.
So much has happened since I last sit down to blog. Mostly good, but definitely not all.
As many people know, my husband and I have been trying to have another child for some time now. Well...it finally happened. After years of trying, being sent to a specialist, changing medication, and lots of waiting...I finally had a positive pregnancy test!!! We were both so excited. The blood work all looked good, and we were even able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks. Unfortunately, that is where the happiness of this story ends for now.
On Mother's Day, I knew something was wrong. I had a great lunch with my family, but when I went to the restroom, there was some blood. Not a lot, so I wasn't completely freaked out, but it was there. I went home, laid down, and prayed for the best. Monday, we went to the doctor, and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I was still holding on to a sliver of hope, reminding myself that we hadn't heard our son's heartbeat until 13 weeks. Still, the doc thought it would be a good idea to have an ultrasound, just to be safe.
At the imaging center, it didn't go any better. In fact, it was torture. Not that it physically hurt, or anything like that, but everything was pointing to a bad ending. The tech asked what our due date was, and I told her. November 23rd. Okay...she continued to take measurements, but I could tell that she wasn't seeing what she thought she should. Then she asked again, "Are you sure about your due date?" That was a HUGE red flag. I was absolutely POSITIVE of my due date, as we had been seeing a specialist, and tracking everything. I knew every important date on my cycle. The tech excused herself, telling us that she was going to get another person who works with more OB patients than her. Yeah...that made me feel better. When they came back, they went back to the screen, measuring away. I asked, "Are we seeing the baby?" All I got was, "Well...". Again, they excused themselves, leaving Darrin and I there...alone...in a cold room...still trying to hold on to that last microscopic ray of hope. When the original tech came back, I heard the words that shattered my heart. "Well, the radiologist has talked with your doctor, and he wants you to come back to the office."
That is when I broke down. Completely. I was still laying on the table, wailing in emotional pain. The tiny little life inside of me was obviously no longer there.
We returned to the doctor's office, and was led back to another exam room to wait for our doc. When he came in, I knew that I couldn't deny it any longer. There was no more hope left for this baby. Our baby had stopped growing at just 7 1/2 weeks. Our doctor was so amazingly compassionate, and I believe his pain and sorrow was as genuine as ours. You see, this is the man who has been there with us from day one. He is who led us to our specialist, and encouraged us all along the way. When I had told him that I was pregnant, he scooped me up in a hug so quickly, I nearly feel off the table. This time, I knew that he was grieving with us.
That was almost a week ago. Our doc has recommended a natural miscarriage, sometimes referred to as simply, "wait and see." The worst part of this option...I don't know how long it will take. I'll go in for a check-up soon, but, in the mean time, have to pray that my body will do it's job.
As you can imagine, this week has been the worst of my life. I've never been all that good at handling the crying moments, and now, they come up on me without warning. It's so foreign to me. This kind of grief is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A part of me died, leaving a hole in my heart.
I have heard people say so many things. Some are very encouraging, but there are still those who think they are being positive and helping, only to be picking at the scab, reopening the wound left by this tragedy. Why do we think that we have to SAY something?!?! Believe me. Sometimes it is just better to say nothing. I have a new respect for those who know when it's just time for a hug and a look, showing that they are there and they are hurting for you too.
I have made a choice. I will thank God, even through my pain. I know that he will bring me though this, but I also know that it is a long journey. Matt Redman said it so perfectly in his song, "Blessed Be the Name."
As many people know, my husband and I have been trying to have another child for some time now. Well...it finally happened. After years of trying, being sent to a specialist, changing medication, and lots of waiting...I finally had a positive pregnancy test!!! We were both so excited. The blood work all looked good, and we were even able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks. Unfortunately, that is where the happiness of this story ends for now.
On Mother's Day, I knew something was wrong. I had a great lunch with my family, but when I went to the restroom, there was some blood. Not a lot, so I wasn't completely freaked out, but it was there. I went home, laid down, and prayed for the best. Monday, we went to the doctor, and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I was still holding on to a sliver of hope, reminding myself that we hadn't heard our son's heartbeat until 13 weeks. Still, the doc thought it would be a good idea to have an ultrasound, just to be safe.
At the imaging center, it didn't go any better. In fact, it was torture. Not that it physically hurt, or anything like that, but everything was pointing to a bad ending. The tech asked what our due date was, and I told her. November 23rd. Okay...she continued to take measurements, but I could tell that she wasn't seeing what she thought she should. Then she asked again, "Are you sure about your due date?" That was a HUGE red flag. I was absolutely POSITIVE of my due date, as we had been seeing a specialist, and tracking everything. I knew every important date on my cycle. The tech excused herself, telling us that she was going to get another person who works with more OB patients than her. Yeah...that made me feel better. When they came back, they went back to the screen, measuring away. I asked, "Are we seeing the baby?" All I got was, "Well...". Again, they excused themselves, leaving Darrin and I there...alone...in a cold room...still trying to hold on to that last microscopic ray of hope. When the original tech came back, I heard the words that shattered my heart. "Well, the radiologist has talked with your doctor, and he wants you to come back to the office."
That is when I broke down. Completely. I was still laying on the table, wailing in emotional pain. The tiny little life inside of me was obviously no longer there.
We returned to the doctor's office, and was led back to another exam room to wait for our doc. When he came in, I knew that I couldn't deny it any longer. There was no more hope left for this baby. Our baby had stopped growing at just 7 1/2 weeks. Our doctor was so amazingly compassionate, and I believe his pain and sorrow was as genuine as ours. You see, this is the man who has been there with us from day one. He is who led us to our specialist, and encouraged us all along the way. When I had told him that I was pregnant, he scooped me up in a hug so quickly, I nearly feel off the table. This time, I knew that he was grieving with us.
That was almost a week ago. Our doc has recommended a natural miscarriage, sometimes referred to as simply, "wait and see." The worst part of this option...I don't know how long it will take. I'll go in for a check-up soon, but, in the mean time, have to pray that my body will do it's job.
As you can imagine, this week has been the worst of my life. I've never been all that good at handling the crying moments, and now, they come up on me without warning. It's so foreign to me. This kind of grief is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A part of me died, leaving a hole in my heart.
I have heard people say so many things. Some are very encouraging, but there are still those who think they are being positive and helping, only to be picking at the scab, reopening the wound left by this tragedy. Why do we think that we have to SAY something?!?! Believe me. Sometimes it is just better to say nothing. I have a new respect for those who know when it's just time for a hug and a look, showing that they are there and they are hurting for you too.
I have made a choice. I will thank God, even through my pain. I know that he will bring me though this, but I also know that it is a long journey. Matt Redman said it so perfectly in his song, "Blessed Be the Name."
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name.
Every blessing your pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name!
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name!
Thank you God, for I know you will bring me through. Help me to stay strong in my faith, focused on You. My baby is with you, and for that I am grateful. I will hold my baby for the first time in heaven. Give me your peace that passes all understanding. Blessed be Your name!
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