As many people know, my husband and I have been trying to have another child for some time now. Well...it finally happened. After years of trying, being sent to a specialist, changing medication, and lots of waiting...I finally had a positive pregnancy test!!! We were both so excited. The blood work all looked good, and we were even able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks. Unfortunately, that is where the happiness of this story ends for now.
On Mother's Day, I knew something was wrong. I had a great lunch with my family, but when I went to the restroom, there was some blood. Not a lot, so I wasn't completely freaked out, but it was there. I went home, laid down, and prayed for the best. Monday, we went to the doctor, and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I was still holding on to a sliver of hope, reminding myself that we hadn't heard our son's heartbeat until 13 weeks. Still, the doc thought it would be a good idea to have an ultrasound, just to be safe.
At the imaging center, it didn't go any better. In fact, it was torture. Not that it physically hurt, or anything like that, but everything was pointing to a bad ending. The tech asked what our due date was, and I told her. November 23rd. Okay...she continued to take measurements, but I could tell that she wasn't seeing what she thought she should. Then she asked again, "Are you sure about your due date?" That was a HUGE red flag. I was absolutely POSITIVE of my due date, as we had been seeing a specialist, and tracking everything. I knew every important date on my cycle. The tech excused herself, telling us that she was going to get another person who works with more OB patients than her. Yeah...that made me feel better. When they came back, they went back to the screen, measuring away. I asked, "Are we seeing the baby?" All I got was, "Well...". Again, they excused themselves, leaving Darrin and I there...alone...in a cold room...still trying to hold on to that last microscopic ray of hope. When the original tech came back, I heard the words that shattered my heart. "Well, the radiologist has talked with your doctor, and he wants you to come back to the office."
That is when I broke down. Completely. I was still laying on the table, wailing in emotional pain. The tiny little life inside of me was obviously no longer there.
We returned to the doctor's office, and was led back to another exam room to wait for our doc. When he came in, I knew that I couldn't deny it any longer. There was no more hope left for this baby. Our baby had stopped growing at just 7 1/2 weeks. Our doctor was so amazingly compassionate, and I believe his pain and sorrow was as genuine as ours. You see, this is the man who has been there with us from day one. He is who led us to our specialist, and encouraged us all along the way. When I had told him that I was pregnant, he scooped me up in a hug so quickly, I nearly feel off the table. This time, I knew that he was grieving with us.
That was almost a week ago. Our doc has recommended a natural miscarriage, sometimes referred to as simply, "wait and see." The worst part of this option...I don't know how long it will take. I'll go in for a check-up soon, but, in the mean time, have to pray that my body will do it's job.
As you can imagine, this week has been the worst of my life. I've never been all that good at handling the crying moments, and now, they come up on me without warning. It's so foreign to me. This kind of grief is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A part of me died, leaving a hole in my heart.
I have heard people say so many things. Some are very encouraging, but there are still those who think they are being positive and helping, only to be picking at the scab, reopening the wound left by this tragedy. Why do we think that we have to SAY something?!?! Believe me. Sometimes it is just better to say nothing. I have a new respect for those who know when it's just time for a hug and a look, showing that they are there and they are hurting for you too.
I have made a choice. I will thank God, even through my pain. I know that he will bring me though this, but I also know that it is a long journey. Matt Redman said it so perfectly in his song, "Blessed Be the Name."
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name.
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name.
Every blessing your pour out
I'll turn back to praise.
And when the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name!
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name!
Thank you God, for I know you will bring me through. Help me to stay strong in my faith, focused on You. My baby is with you, and for that I am grateful. I will hold my baby for the first time in heaven. Give me your peace that passes all understanding. Blessed be Your name!
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