HSG...the quickest way to spend $1100

Yes...I spent that much money.

My husband and I decided that it was time to move on to the next step in our journey to have another child. That step was an Hysterosalpingogram (HSG).

An HSG is an x-ray procedure in which they inject dye to look for any blockages or abnormalities in your uterus or fallopian tubes. I has been warned, so I kind of new what I was getting myself into, but I'm not sure there is any way to fully prepare. I was told that it was a fairly quick procedure, but I would experience some of the worst cramping I have ever had. Well... thankfully, it was only about 1 minute total, because the cramps took my breathe away.

The good news - everything looks good. There were no abnormalities and no blockages. And, the HSG is considered diagnostic AND therapeutic. If there were any small blockages, the dye clears them. So, now we wait.

I will be going back in for a scan on day 12, to check for ovulation/healthy follicles. Then, begins the dreaded two week wait. Again.

We're hoping for the best and praying for God's blessing.

Moving forward...

Well...no, I am not pregnant. I want to be. Desperately. But, at least I can feel that I am moving forward.

I have two important dates set for February. I am having an HSG done on the 3rd to be sure that there are no blockages or masses to worry about. Then, on the 6th, I go in for my first scan looking for ovulation. Up to this point, we have been relying on home kits, and praying that we have the perfect timing. It has worked before, but not this time. So, we move on to the next step.

However, moving on has made me think more about what we are doing. Darrin and I were lying in bed last night, talking. We have both been dealing with the monthly disappointment, and praying for God to bless our efforts. But then we re-visited a questions we had discussed early in our journey.

"Are we just taking it out of God's hands, and trying to fix it on our own by going back to the doctor time and time again?"

It's a questions that I think every Christian couple that is experiencing infertility has asked. And the bad thing is...I don't know that there is an answer. There are a couple of ways to think about it:

1. God has provided us the knowledge and the doctors to move forward with treatments, therefore, He is giving is the help we need.

2. Treatments aren't working because God wants us to rely on him instead of doctors.

Which is right? Well, I think both are.

Yes, God wants us to rely on Him. He wants us to trust and obey Him, and He provides for us. However, the knowledge we have, and the doctors we are provided with, also come from Him. I believe that God is giving us pathways to take, all the while, still asking that we trust and rely on Him. God is either going to bless our endeavor, or His isn't. No matter which path we take, the outcome is ultimately up to God.

I don't know that I am right about all of this, but I do know that I have given it to God. I don't know what His answer will be, or when I will get the answer, but I know that He will answer.

I would be interested to hear from any of you. What do you think about all of this? How far would you go? How far is it before we are relying on our own devices instead of on God?

The clouds are creeping in...

For those of you who have been keeping up with us...this was not the month.

We have been trying for a baby for four years now. For the past nine months or so, we have been using a specialist in our efforts. The goal is to get the hormones and timing just right. We thought we were lucky when it worked right from the start, but it ended in miscarriage. Since then, there hasn't been any such luck.

I'm no expert in all of this, but I know that things just weren't right this month. I was hoping that this was going to be a good thing. However, we have found that the changes were not what we were hoping for.

So...what's next? That is for the doctor to help us decide on. After our last conversation, it looks like we will move on the a procedure called and HSG. Apparently, research has shown that this can increase chances of pregnancy by up to 20-30%. It sounds good to me, but I still have a little reservation. It's $1100. And of that, insurance will most likely cover NOTHING.

I know that we haven't even scratched the surface in the world of infertility treatments. There are so many options ranging from different drugs, IUI, etc. There are still several different avenues that we could explore, each with their own pros and cons. The hardest part is not even the money. It's the decisions.

Oh how I wish I had the answers I have been looking for.

Today has been a bit of a tough day. I try to continually focus on all of the wonderful blessings in my life in effort to push back the gloomy clouds that threaten my spirit. I don't want to be the depressed, negative-dwelling person that I could so easily become.

If you would, please keep me in your prayers. And not just me. My husband, bless his amazing heart, has been my rock throughout this whole process. I know that he is hurting too, but he worries too much about me to show it. He is one of the most wonderful blessings in my life, and I thank God for sending him into my life. He needs your prayers too.

We'll keep praying. And I appreciate the prayers of others more that you will ever know.

The Refiner's Fire

It's been another long month of waiting. And, actually, it isn't over yet.

It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years since we started trying to have another baby. I never, not in my wildest dreams, thought it would take this long. So, you can imagine my mixed bag of emotions. There's anger, sadness, anxiety, hope, fear...so many different emotions that are all rolled into this season of my life.

We have come to a point that we have to decide, "How long?" How long do we continue this treatment before we move on to the next? How long do we keep trying for a baby before we start the process of adoption? How long do we wait?

It's getting kind of tricky. I don't know that there is a clear cut, picture-perfect answer to any of our questions. I know people who have gone further in their treatments. I know others who have been through the process of adoption. I just wish the answers were clear.

I've even caught myself asking God to make it blatantly clear. I've been begging, "Just show me what to do. Make it so obvious that I can't miss it." I've asked questions like, "Why am I going through this?" "Why would God give me such a desire, only to make it so difficult?" "Why would God give us the joy of a pregnancy, only to allow it to end so early?"

These are all questions that I have been asking over and over again. And yet, I don't have any clear cut answers.

Recently, I have been reminded of an email that was shared with me this past summer. It talked of The Refiner's Fire:

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver."

This verse puzzles some women in a Bible study, and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about there reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat us. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about god holding us in such a hot spot; then she though again about the verse that says: 'He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.'

She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.

The man answered that, ye, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, 'How do you know when the silver is fully refined?'

He smiled at her and answered, 'Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it.'

If you today are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has hi eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

God is watching over you. And, whatever you are going through right now, you'll be a better person in the end.

There are days that I feel I have been left in the fire to burn. I feel like I was dumped into the flames, and am being consumed. But I know that God hasn't left me. I know that He is keeping His eyes on my, shaping me into the person He wants me to be.

It's not an easy process. It's hot, uncomfortable, and scary. But I am holding on the the fact that I will come out of the fire with a new shape, and a new shine. He has plans for me. And though I may not see them now, I trust Him.

I will still have bad days and good days, but God is working on me, in me, and through me.

More wisdom from a seven year old

Kristopher did it again.

He comes up with some of the greatest things.

Not long ago, Kristopher and Darrin were enjoying a little father/son time, playing in Kristopher's room. I'm not sure where the conversation was headed, but all of a sudden, Kristopher informed Darrin,

"In outer space, you can do whatever you want. But this is Earth. You have to behave."

Gotta love him!

Up Time!

This was received in an email recently, and I really liked it. As hard as it is, I think we all need to start taking more responsibility for oursleves. Check it out:

If you see injustice, STAND UP
If something needs to be said, SPEAK UP
If you make an appointment, SHOW UP
If you make a mistake, FESS UP
If you’re overstepping, BACK UP
If you get behind, CATCH UP
If they knock you down, GET UP
If you’re out of line, STRAIGHTEN UP
When your boss instructs, KEEP UP
When your elders speak, LISTEN UP
When your teachers teach, SIT UP
When your preachers preach, WAKE UP
When your country calls, MAN UP
Ladies too... WOMAN UP
When the fight is over, MAKE UP
If you’re being hard, EASE UP
If your heart is closed, OPEN UP
If you want to buy something, SAVE UP
It’s not an entitlement, so SHUT UP!
If you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP
If you drop trash, PICK IT UP
If a car is waiting for you to walk across the street, SPEED IT UP
If you’re cold busted, GIVE IT UP
If people fall down, HELP THEM UP
Not the government, YOU STEP UP
If idiots start fighting, BREAK IT UP
If the music is wholesome, TURN IT UP
If the message is poisonous, THROW IT UP
If your words are vulgar, CLAM IT UP
If your words encourage, KEEP IT UP
If your pants are baggy, PULL THEM UP
If the belt’s too loose, CINCH IT UP
If your fly is down, ZIP IT UP
If you’re dressed half naked, COVER IT UP
If you can’t afford stuff, PASS IT UP
No “bailouts” folks, PONY UP
If you made a promise, you BACK IT UP
And you can take your whining and PACK IT UP
It’s called personal responsibility, so TAKE IT UP
This country was founded on it, you can LOOK IT UP
It’s the American way people, so TURN IT UP
Because when life gets boring, you SHAKE IT UP
When life is good, you SOAK IT UP
When life’s unfair, you SUCK IT UP
When life is funny, you can YUCK IT UP
When life is sad, just LOOK STRAIGHT UP
And life’s too short people, so LIVE IT UP!

(Want to see the video? Check out author Kimberly Alyn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXeCAeACmJE)

From the mouth of my child...

Kristopher has always been able to make me laugh. From the day he was born, he could put a smile on my face by just...well...being Kristopher. As he has gotten older, it's only gotten better. Kristopher learned, at a very young age, how to use sarcasm. This is both a curse and a blessing, but let me focus on the blessing right now.

I have decided (after the prompting of my wonderful husband) to start sharing some of Kristopher's quotes. Many are dripping with sarcasm, and some were just delivered with perfect timing. I hope you enjoy them as much as we have.

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Age 4 - While travleling across town, Kris was unsuccessful in getting Darrin to understand what he was trying to say. His frustration led to the comment, "You just don't get me, Dad."

Age 4 - At preschool, Kris was disappointed to have to be using the "baby" playground instead of the preferred "big kids" playground. So, he went to one of the rocking toys (you know...the horse or zebra on a big coil) and yelled to his teachers, "Hey teacher. Goo goo gaa gaa!"

Age 5 - He picked this up from his "Uncle Sass." While riding in a car, with the window down, we see joggers and bicyclists. Kris loves to yell, "Get a car! You're gonna die anyway!" Thanks Daniel!

Age 6 - Kristopher has already made a list of what he is looking for in a wife:

1. A hot lady that isn't married

2. She has to be nice

3. She has to love Jesus

4. She has to like wathcing TV

5. She should be a cheerleader

6. She has to want babies

Age 6 - While playing flag football, we noticed he was having a bit of trouble paying attention. So, on the sidelines, Darrin told him that he needs to listen to his coach better. Kris replied, "I'm trying to think about football, but I can't help it. I keep looking at them." (pointing to the cheerleaders)

Age 6 - While moving his great grandmother in to Grandma and Papa's house (a stressful time to say the least). He walked in and made the comment, "Well, the dog puked on the floor. That's a good sign."

Age 6 - Kris likes to climb in and out of his bedroom window. (Don't worry...it's a one story home) We shut the window, and moved on. Well, Kris wasn't happy about this. Next thing we heard was Kris. He came INSIDE the back door, and yelled, "Open the freakin window!" I had to wait a minute or two to get on to him. I couldn't stop laughing!

Age 6 - After doing a little Christmas shopping with me, we packed the gifts into the trunk. Once we were in the car, and headed home, I made sure to tell Kris, "Now remember, we can't tell Grandma and Papa what we bought. It's a secret." His response..."Well, what did you tell me for then?"

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I'm sure there are several that I have missed, and there will be several more to come. Keep checking back and have a laugh with me.

Let the Chistmas Craziness Begin!

Okay...as if I didn't already know this...people are CRAZY!!!

Every year, this happens. There is that one toy - that one item - that everyone wants. So, instead of buying one and being happy, greed sets in. Then people buy up all of the extras and try to gouge people.

This year, it's the Zhu Zhu Pets. These are little battery operated hamsters that are meant for kids ages 4 and up. There is a little house, and several accessories to buy and add on. They are cute little things, and, best of all, they are inexpensive. The hamsters sell for $8 at Wal-Mart and $9.99 at Toys R Us - IF YOU CAN FIND THEM!

I have been trying to find these little toys since they commericals first came out. Unfortunately, I have had no luck. What seems to have happened is this. When people find them, they buy all of them. It's gotten bad enough that Toys R Us has imposed a limit on how many can be purchased at one time. Once they have been purchased, they show up on Craigs List and Ebay for 2, 3 and 4 times the original retail. Oh my goodness, people! Really?!?!

What is sad, though, is that people are paying it!

I get the whole "supply and demand" thing. I get that people want to make a quick buck. But there are a few things that I don't get:

How are these people finding the hamsters?

Are they camping out...waiting for the next shipment?

Don't they have jobs?

Responsibilities?

Kids to take care of?

Who has that kind of time???

And, what is the deal with combat tactics in the stores?

I have talked with several Wal-Mart employees and heard stories of fighting in the aisles.

Over an $8 toy!

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!

I'll admit, I still want to find one of these little hamsters. My son has been begging me since the first commerical hit the air waves. I would love to be able to fill his desire and have it waiting for him under the Christmas tree. But, I refuse to become one of the mob. I refuse to pay double or triple the retail for this toy. I refuse to fight, camp out, or scheme for this toy. My son deserves a better example.

He may not get the one toy he has consistently asked for this Christmas. But, he will know that he is loved.

Guide me

Why does life have to be filled with so much drama???

I just want to sit back, relax and enjoy my family and friends.
Is that really so much to ask?

I'm tired.
My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
I'm sick of lies.
I wish I could just fix things.
I wish I could just fix people.

But people make their own decisions. People make their own mistakes. I know that I have made mine. All I can do is love.

But when does love become enabling?

There is so much whirling around in my head right now.

God...help me find the right things to say. Help me make the right decisions. May my words, my thoughts, and my actions be all about You. May they glorify You. Take away any undo anger or frustration. Guide my heart. Guide my feet. Guide my hands. Guide my tongue.

Brrrrr........

I am FINALLY getting feeling back in my toes!

This weekend was the annual Sugar Mound Festival. As always, I was looking forward to it. It is always a weekend of shopping a good food, and a lot of fun spending time with my parents. One of the best parts...I get to see one of my best friends from high school there every year.

I look forward to this weekend every year! Amy and I get together to shop and talk, catching up on the happenings of the past year. (Yes, I am aware that there are ways of communicating throughout the year. But in person it is just so much better!)

There was one down side to this year's festival. It was COLD!!!

I am very much a "fall person." I look forward to the changing colors, the cooler weather, and eating anything and everything pumpkin! However, this October has been quite cold. It seems that we went from the sauna to the freezer. Ugh! Hopefully it will settle back in to the season I love.

Cool, crisp days with plenty of sunshine...oh how I miss you!

New month...new possibilities

So...it's a new month. And any time that there is a new beginning, there are new possibilities. Thank God!

The end of September brought the disappointment of not being pregnant. We have been trying again since July. I know that it has only been a few months, but it seems so much longer. Three months have passed. Three months of negative tests. Three months of hoping and praying. Words cannot accurately express the pain, sadness, and disappointment.

But, I will not dwell on the negative. I must press forward. Like I said, it's a new month. A fresh start. Not only for our dream of a growing family, but growing in Christ.

I was listening to the radio this week, and heard the dj's talking about their challenge for the month of October. There are 31 days in October, and 31 chapters in Proverbs. The goal...one Proverb each day. One new look into the word of God.

So here I am. October 1st, 2009. Proverbs 1.

Join my on my journey through Proverbs. I would love to know what God shows you through these scriptures.

Listen to me!!!

Okay...so I need a venting session.

I wish people would actually listen to me! I'm not so self-absorbed as to think that I know everything, or that I am always right. However, there are times that I do know what I am talking about.

Now, I have to wait...and wait...and wait...to get things squared away. Ugh! It's just frustrating.

Maybe I should have been more assertive. Maybe I should have stood my ground. Maybe I should have insisted that I was right.

Too late now. What's done is done, and now the process is longer than it needed to be.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just annoyed.

Never forget...

I don't know about you, but I can still tell you exactly where I was on September 11, 2001.

I remember walking in to work, after just hearing of the first plane hitting the Twin Towers. I couldn't believe it. I felt as if I were watching some sort of action flick. It just was so unreal. I remember watching the news coverage, and felt my heart sink as the second plane hit the second tower.

I can still see the images so cleary in my mind.

I can still see the rubble and smoke coming from the Pentagon.

I can still remember the stories of those who fought back, and went down in that Pennsylvania field.

It's hard to find the words that describe the events of that day, but a friend of mine came across this quote:

“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last ...phone calls, the funerals of the children. “ - President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001

I don't know that I could find better words.

As small as it is, I want to say THANK YOU. Thank you to all of those who risked their lives to save others. Thank you to all who continue to do so.

Trying to figure things out...

...not succeeding.

That's where I am today.

We are still on the road to conceiving a child. Unfortunately, it didn't happen this month. You would think I would be getting used to this by now, but I'm not. Each month seems be an eternity!!! I have to remind myself that my miscarriage was in May. That is just 3 months ago. Still, it's been the longest 3 months of my life.

I am trying to be patient. I really am.

It seems that everyone around me is having babies! No matter where I go...I see pregnant women and new babies, and every time, I feel a pang. In my gut, and in my heart. I can't help but think...if I hadn't miscarried, I would be nearing 7 months. It still hurts.

So...here we go again. Starting over with a new cycle, and new month. Praying for a baby. Praying for strength. Praying for patience.

Justice served...

...well, sort of.

Today was the day. The sentencing hearing proceeded as scheduled, and the man who killed my grandfather was FINALLY taken to jail. It took about 3 1/2 years, but we can finally close the door on this part of our lives.

What amazes me, though, is the amount of time he will serve. The man was convicted of 1st degree involuntary manslaughter, and 2nd degree assault. With the laws on the books, this would allow him to be sentenced up to 7 years per count. With the sentences running concurrently, he will serve a total of 7 years in prison. (That is, if he doesn't win an appeal or is denied parole.) I applaud the judge for giving him the maximum sentence, but it just blows my mind that it will only be 7 years.

This man killed my grandfather! We were given a life sentence because this man made such poor decisions. I know that nothing will bring him back, but only serving 7 years seems a bit light to me.

I wasn't able to attend, but was able to talk with my aunt about how things went. She told me that, even when given a chance to make a statement, the defendant still wouldn't admit ANY wrong-doing. He is still blaming other people for HIS choices. He is refusing to see that his actions led to the death of a good man. Bottom line...he made the decision to drink the night before. He made the decision to drink so much, that he was still over the legal limit at lunch time the next day. He made the decision to go in to work, even though he was still "buzzed." He made the decision to continue on the road, even after he noticed that he wasn't feeling well. He made a decision that changed the lives of my entire family, as well as his.

I wish I could tell this man what has been on my mind. I wish I could open his eyes to the truth of the matter. All of this tragedy was avoidable. If only he had stepped up and been responsible.

It's just another story that shows just how far out decisions can reach. It's usually further than we would ever expect.

Judgement Day

So tomorrow is the day. Or, at least, it's scheduled to be the day. It's been 3 1/2 years in the making. A very slow process for sure.

Three years, six months, and two days ago...

It still brings tears to my eyes.

My grandfather was traveling home from Springfield, MO with his wife Joyce. She had just been released from the hospital after neck surgery. He pulled to the side of the interstate, looking for prescriptions or something, and was hit by a semi at full driving speed. His car was thrown across two lanes of traffic and back again before it came to a rest. He nice, long Cadillac was now a compact.

They say that my grandpa was gone instantly, and I pray that they are correct. His wife's life was spared, but she was critically injured, and air lifted back to the hospital. Her injuries were serious enough to spend a while in the ICU, even missing Grandpa's funeral.

The case seemed pretty simple. The driver was legally intoxicated at the time of the crash. He killed a good man, and left his wife in agony.

The trial...not so simple, thanks to the defense attorney. I know that he was doing his job, but it was torture sitting there, listening to him twist the series of events. His tactics were meant to confuse. Thank God, the jury saw through.

The driver was convicted of 1st degree manslaughter and 2nd degree assault. Now...we are awaiting the sentencing. This man made decisions that directly caused the death of my grandpa, and yet, he has been living with his family for the past 3 years, 6 months, and 2 days. We have been living...but without a key member of our family.

I am ready for this to be finished.

I am ready for this man to learn what his bad decisions will cost him.

We already know what they cost us.

Back to School!

It's hard to believe it. My little boy...my baby...started the 1st grade this year.

It seems that time is flying by! Wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding him in my arms, humming a song and rocking him to sleep? All of my life, I have heard people talking about how fast kids grow up, but i never really believe them...until now. Kristopher is over half my height, full of energy, loves to read and tell stories, and makes me smile every day. I am so blessed!

Summer Update

As I was navigating the Internet today, I realized that it has been quite some time since my last blog post. I've told you all before, and I will tell you again...I'm just not that good at keeping up with my blog. It isn't because I don't want to. I just get distracted easily. But, I digress...

It has been a very full summer for us, as I am sure it is for many of you. With baseball, VBS, vacation, and now preparing for "Back to School," it seems that there just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all that I want to. But, it's been a lot of fun. There have been hundreds of pictures taken, thousands of laughs laughed and several tears cried. All in all, it's been a great summer.

The hard part of summer has been the waiting, and unfortunately, I will be waiting for some time to come. Soon after my miscarriage, Darrin and I decided that we were going to try again, as soon as the doc gave us the go ahead. We are thankful that I have been given the all clear, and we can begin trying for a baby again. There is always the chance of another miscarriage, and that scares me. But, here we are...at that place again, praying for God's blessing. We're being a little more specific this time, though. Before we prayed for a baby. This time, we are praying for a healthy baby, carried to term, that will continue to bless our family for the years to come. :o) haha!!!

I think God can read the fun-loving sarcasm in that request, and I thank Him for bringing me to this place. A few weeks ago, I couldn't be that relaxed about it all. It's truly the grace of God that has brought me through. I can't wait to be able to tell all of you that God has blessed us with a child. I know that it will happen, and I pray that it is soon.

What is normal anyway?

Things are better. Still not amazing, but better. Most of the time, I can function like normal, but I still have moments every now and then, but they are becoming fewer. However, I do have to admit...Sunday wasn't the best. I was fine for most of the day, but I had to tell someone at church about the miscarriage. They hadn't heard, and asked how I was feeling. It was't pretty. I recovered fairly well, but later that day, when I was driving home from Wal-Mart, I just started crying. I was TOTALLY unprepaired for that. There was no obvious reason...I just felt like crying. So I did. And that is the part of this whole thing that I hate. Just when I feel like I am getting better, and that things are going good...BAM! I become a mess. Emotions are just crappy sometimes.

I did go back to see my specialist. He was really great about explaining everything, but still putting a positive light on it all. He asked me several times if I was sure I was ready to go on "tihs emotional roller coaster" again, telling me that he could tell me if my body was ready, but I am the only one who can tell if I am REALLY ready. And ya know what? I think I am. I really do. I know that it's still emotional at times, but we have been trying for over 3 years now. I think I NEED to move on in this way, or else I would dwell on it forever. So, he had the nurse prepare the progestrone shot, and now I am just waiting for the cycle to begin. Actually, it kind of has, and I will most likely be put back on my Femara by Wednesday.

So...that is where we are right now. It's still not completly back to normal, and I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be "normal" again. It's not normal to go through this kind of loss. But, thanks to the support of my family, and friends, along with the grace of God, I am making it. Day by day.

I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Heart for Dwight

Please, take a moment and check out www.heartfordwight.com.

He is a wonderful man, and has an amazing family. I am blessed to call them friends.