Up Time!

This was received in an email recently, and I really liked it. As hard as it is, I think we all need to start taking more responsibility for oursleves. Check it out:

If you see injustice, STAND UP
If something needs to be said, SPEAK UP
If you make an appointment, SHOW UP
If you make a mistake, FESS UP
If you’re overstepping, BACK UP
If you get behind, CATCH UP
If they knock you down, GET UP
If you’re out of line, STRAIGHTEN UP
When your boss instructs, KEEP UP
When your elders speak, LISTEN UP
When your teachers teach, SIT UP
When your preachers preach, WAKE UP
When your country calls, MAN UP
Ladies too... WOMAN UP
When the fight is over, MAKE UP
If you’re being hard, EASE UP
If your heart is closed, OPEN UP
If you want to buy something, SAVE UP
It’s not an entitlement, so SHUT UP!
If you make a mess, CLEAN IT UP
If you drop trash, PICK IT UP
If a car is waiting for you to walk across the street, SPEED IT UP
If you’re cold busted, GIVE IT UP
If people fall down, HELP THEM UP
Not the government, YOU STEP UP
If idiots start fighting, BREAK IT UP
If the music is wholesome, TURN IT UP
If the message is poisonous, THROW IT UP
If your words are vulgar, CLAM IT UP
If your words encourage, KEEP IT UP
If your pants are baggy, PULL THEM UP
If the belt’s too loose, CINCH IT UP
If your fly is down, ZIP IT UP
If you’re dressed half naked, COVER IT UP
If you can’t afford stuff, PASS IT UP
No “bailouts” folks, PONY UP
If you made a promise, you BACK IT UP
And you can take your whining and PACK IT UP
It’s called personal responsibility, so TAKE IT UP
This country was founded on it, you can LOOK IT UP
It’s the American way people, so TURN IT UP
Because when life gets boring, you SHAKE IT UP
When life is good, you SOAK IT UP
When life’s unfair, you SUCK IT UP
When life is funny, you can YUCK IT UP
When life is sad, just LOOK STRAIGHT UP
And life’s too short people, so LIVE IT UP!

(Want to see the video? Check out author Kimberly Alyn: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXeCAeACmJE)

From the mouth of my child...

Kristopher has always been able to make me laugh. From the day he was born, he could put a smile on my face by just...well...being Kristopher. As he has gotten older, it's only gotten better. Kristopher learned, at a very young age, how to use sarcasm. This is both a curse and a blessing, but let me focus on the blessing right now.

I have decided (after the prompting of my wonderful husband) to start sharing some of Kristopher's quotes. Many are dripping with sarcasm, and some were just delivered with perfect timing. I hope you enjoy them as much as we have.

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Age 4 - While travleling across town, Kris was unsuccessful in getting Darrin to understand what he was trying to say. His frustration led to the comment, "You just don't get me, Dad."

Age 4 - At preschool, Kris was disappointed to have to be using the "baby" playground instead of the preferred "big kids" playground. So, he went to one of the rocking toys (you know...the horse or zebra on a big coil) and yelled to his teachers, "Hey teacher. Goo goo gaa gaa!"

Age 5 - He picked this up from his "Uncle Sass." While riding in a car, with the window down, we see joggers and bicyclists. Kris loves to yell, "Get a car! You're gonna die anyway!" Thanks Daniel!

Age 6 - Kristopher has already made a list of what he is looking for in a wife:

1. A hot lady that isn't married

2. She has to be nice

3. She has to love Jesus

4. She has to like wathcing TV

5. She should be a cheerleader

6. She has to want babies

Age 6 - While playing flag football, we noticed he was having a bit of trouble paying attention. So, on the sidelines, Darrin told him that he needs to listen to his coach better. Kris replied, "I'm trying to think about football, but I can't help it. I keep looking at them." (pointing to the cheerleaders)

Age 6 - While moving his great grandmother in to Grandma and Papa's house (a stressful time to say the least). He walked in and made the comment, "Well, the dog puked on the floor. That's a good sign."

Age 6 - Kris likes to climb in and out of his bedroom window. (Don't worry...it's a one story home) We shut the window, and moved on. Well, Kris wasn't happy about this. Next thing we heard was Kris. He came INSIDE the back door, and yelled, "Open the freakin window!" I had to wait a minute or two to get on to him. I couldn't stop laughing!

Age 6 - After doing a little Christmas shopping with me, we packed the gifts into the trunk. Once we were in the car, and headed home, I made sure to tell Kris, "Now remember, we can't tell Grandma and Papa what we bought. It's a secret." His response..."Well, what did you tell me for then?"

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I'm sure there are several that I have missed, and there will be several more to come. Keep checking back and have a laugh with me.

Let the Chistmas Craziness Begin!

Okay...as if I didn't already know this...people are CRAZY!!!

Every year, this happens. There is that one toy - that one item - that everyone wants. So, instead of buying one and being happy, greed sets in. Then people buy up all of the extras and try to gouge people.

This year, it's the Zhu Zhu Pets. These are little battery operated hamsters that are meant for kids ages 4 and up. There is a little house, and several accessories to buy and add on. They are cute little things, and, best of all, they are inexpensive. The hamsters sell for $8 at Wal-Mart and $9.99 at Toys R Us - IF YOU CAN FIND THEM!

I have been trying to find these little toys since they commericals first came out. Unfortunately, I have had no luck. What seems to have happened is this. When people find them, they buy all of them. It's gotten bad enough that Toys R Us has imposed a limit on how many can be purchased at one time. Once they have been purchased, they show up on Craigs List and Ebay for 2, 3 and 4 times the original retail. Oh my goodness, people! Really?!?!

What is sad, though, is that people are paying it!

I get the whole "supply and demand" thing. I get that people want to make a quick buck. But there are a few things that I don't get:

How are these people finding the hamsters?

Are they camping out...waiting for the next shipment?

Don't they have jobs?

Responsibilities?

Kids to take care of?

Who has that kind of time???

And, what is the deal with combat tactics in the stores?

I have talked with several Wal-Mart employees and heard stories of fighting in the aisles.

Over an $8 toy!

YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME!

I'll admit, I still want to find one of these little hamsters. My son has been begging me since the first commerical hit the air waves. I would love to be able to fill his desire and have it waiting for him under the Christmas tree. But, I refuse to become one of the mob. I refuse to pay double or triple the retail for this toy. I refuse to fight, camp out, or scheme for this toy. My son deserves a better example.

He may not get the one toy he has consistently asked for this Christmas. But, he will know that he is loved.

Guide me

Why does life have to be filled with so much drama???

I just want to sit back, relax and enjoy my family and friends.
Is that really so much to ask?

I'm tired.
My head hurts.
My heart hurts.
I'm sick of lies.
I wish I could just fix things.
I wish I could just fix people.

But people make their own decisions. People make their own mistakes. I know that I have made mine. All I can do is love.

But when does love become enabling?

There is so much whirling around in my head right now.

God...help me find the right things to say. Help me make the right decisions. May my words, my thoughts, and my actions be all about You. May they glorify You. Take away any undo anger or frustration. Guide my heart. Guide my feet. Guide my hands. Guide my tongue.

Brrrrr........

I am FINALLY getting feeling back in my toes!

This weekend was the annual Sugar Mound Festival. As always, I was looking forward to it. It is always a weekend of shopping a good food, and a lot of fun spending time with my parents. One of the best parts...I get to see one of my best friends from high school there every year.

I look forward to this weekend every year! Amy and I get together to shop and talk, catching up on the happenings of the past year. (Yes, I am aware that there are ways of communicating throughout the year. But in person it is just so much better!)

There was one down side to this year's festival. It was COLD!!!

I am very much a "fall person." I look forward to the changing colors, the cooler weather, and eating anything and everything pumpkin! However, this October has been quite cold. It seems that we went from the sauna to the freezer. Ugh! Hopefully it will settle back in to the season I love.

Cool, crisp days with plenty of sunshine...oh how I miss you!

New month...new possibilities

So...it's a new month. And any time that there is a new beginning, there are new possibilities. Thank God!

The end of September brought the disappointment of not being pregnant. We have been trying again since July. I know that it has only been a few months, but it seems so much longer. Three months have passed. Three months of negative tests. Three months of hoping and praying. Words cannot accurately express the pain, sadness, and disappointment.

But, I will not dwell on the negative. I must press forward. Like I said, it's a new month. A fresh start. Not only for our dream of a growing family, but growing in Christ.

I was listening to the radio this week, and heard the dj's talking about their challenge for the month of October. There are 31 days in October, and 31 chapters in Proverbs. The goal...one Proverb each day. One new look into the word of God.

So here I am. October 1st, 2009. Proverbs 1.

Join my on my journey through Proverbs. I would love to know what God shows you through these scriptures.

Listen to me!!!

Okay...so I need a venting session.

I wish people would actually listen to me! I'm not so self-absorbed as to think that I know everything, or that I am always right. However, there are times that I do know what I am talking about.

Now, I have to wait...and wait...and wait...to get things squared away. Ugh! It's just frustrating.

Maybe I should have been more assertive. Maybe I should have stood my ground. Maybe I should have insisted that I was right.

Too late now. What's done is done, and now the process is longer than it needed to be.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just annoyed.

Never forget...

I don't know about you, but I can still tell you exactly where I was on September 11, 2001.

I remember walking in to work, after just hearing of the first plane hitting the Twin Towers. I couldn't believe it. I felt as if I were watching some sort of action flick. It just was so unreal. I remember watching the news coverage, and felt my heart sink as the second plane hit the second tower.

I can still see the images so cleary in my mind.

I can still see the rubble and smoke coming from the Pentagon.

I can still remember the stories of those who fought back, and went down in that Pennsylvania field.

It's hard to find the words that describe the events of that day, but a friend of mine came across this quote:

“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last ...phone calls, the funerals of the children. “ - President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001

I don't know that I could find better words.

As small as it is, I want to say THANK YOU. Thank you to all of those who risked their lives to save others. Thank you to all who continue to do so.

Trying to figure things out...

...not succeeding.

That's where I am today.

We are still on the road to conceiving a child. Unfortunately, it didn't happen this month. You would think I would be getting used to this by now, but I'm not. Each month seems be an eternity!!! I have to remind myself that my miscarriage was in May. That is just 3 months ago. Still, it's been the longest 3 months of my life.

I am trying to be patient. I really am.

It seems that everyone around me is having babies! No matter where I go...I see pregnant women and new babies, and every time, I feel a pang. In my gut, and in my heart. I can't help but think...if I hadn't miscarried, I would be nearing 7 months. It still hurts.

So...here we go again. Starting over with a new cycle, and new month. Praying for a baby. Praying for strength. Praying for patience.

Justice served...

...well, sort of.

Today was the day. The sentencing hearing proceeded as scheduled, and the man who killed my grandfather was FINALLY taken to jail. It took about 3 1/2 years, but we can finally close the door on this part of our lives.

What amazes me, though, is the amount of time he will serve. The man was convicted of 1st degree involuntary manslaughter, and 2nd degree assault. With the laws on the books, this would allow him to be sentenced up to 7 years per count. With the sentences running concurrently, he will serve a total of 7 years in prison. (That is, if he doesn't win an appeal or is denied parole.) I applaud the judge for giving him the maximum sentence, but it just blows my mind that it will only be 7 years.

This man killed my grandfather! We were given a life sentence because this man made such poor decisions. I know that nothing will bring him back, but only serving 7 years seems a bit light to me.

I wasn't able to attend, but was able to talk with my aunt about how things went. She told me that, even when given a chance to make a statement, the defendant still wouldn't admit ANY wrong-doing. He is still blaming other people for HIS choices. He is refusing to see that his actions led to the death of a good man. Bottom line...he made the decision to drink the night before. He made the decision to drink so much, that he was still over the legal limit at lunch time the next day. He made the decision to go in to work, even though he was still "buzzed." He made the decision to continue on the road, even after he noticed that he wasn't feeling well. He made a decision that changed the lives of my entire family, as well as his.

I wish I could tell this man what has been on my mind. I wish I could open his eyes to the truth of the matter. All of this tragedy was avoidable. If only he had stepped up and been responsible.

It's just another story that shows just how far out decisions can reach. It's usually further than we would ever expect.

Judgement Day

So tomorrow is the day. Or, at least, it's scheduled to be the day. It's been 3 1/2 years in the making. A very slow process for sure.

Three years, six months, and two days ago...

It still brings tears to my eyes.

My grandfather was traveling home from Springfield, MO with his wife Joyce. She had just been released from the hospital after neck surgery. He pulled to the side of the interstate, looking for prescriptions or something, and was hit by a semi at full driving speed. His car was thrown across two lanes of traffic and back again before it came to a rest. He nice, long Cadillac was now a compact.

They say that my grandpa was gone instantly, and I pray that they are correct. His wife's life was spared, but she was critically injured, and air lifted back to the hospital. Her injuries were serious enough to spend a while in the ICU, even missing Grandpa's funeral.

The case seemed pretty simple. The driver was legally intoxicated at the time of the crash. He killed a good man, and left his wife in agony.

The trial...not so simple, thanks to the defense attorney. I know that he was doing his job, but it was torture sitting there, listening to him twist the series of events. His tactics were meant to confuse. Thank God, the jury saw through.

The driver was convicted of 1st degree manslaughter and 2nd degree assault. Now...we are awaiting the sentencing. This man made decisions that directly caused the death of my grandpa, and yet, he has been living with his family for the past 3 years, 6 months, and 2 days. We have been living...but without a key member of our family.

I am ready for this to be finished.

I am ready for this man to learn what his bad decisions will cost him.

We already know what they cost us.

Back to School!

It's hard to believe it. My little boy...my baby...started the 1st grade this year.

It seems that time is flying by! Wasn't it just yesterday that I was holding him in my arms, humming a song and rocking him to sleep? All of my life, I have heard people talking about how fast kids grow up, but i never really believe them...until now. Kristopher is over half my height, full of energy, loves to read and tell stories, and makes me smile every day. I am so blessed!

Summer Update

As I was navigating the Internet today, I realized that it has been quite some time since my last blog post. I've told you all before, and I will tell you again...I'm just not that good at keeping up with my blog. It isn't because I don't want to. I just get distracted easily. But, I digress...

It has been a very full summer for us, as I am sure it is for many of you. With baseball, VBS, vacation, and now preparing for "Back to School," it seems that there just isn't enough time in the day to accomplish all that I want to. But, it's been a lot of fun. There have been hundreds of pictures taken, thousands of laughs laughed and several tears cried. All in all, it's been a great summer.

The hard part of summer has been the waiting, and unfortunately, I will be waiting for some time to come. Soon after my miscarriage, Darrin and I decided that we were going to try again, as soon as the doc gave us the go ahead. We are thankful that I have been given the all clear, and we can begin trying for a baby again. There is always the chance of another miscarriage, and that scares me. But, here we are...at that place again, praying for God's blessing. We're being a little more specific this time, though. Before we prayed for a baby. This time, we are praying for a healthy baby, carried to term, that will continue to bless our family for the years to come. :o) haha!!!

I think God can read the fun-loving sarcasm in that request, and I thank Him for bringing me to this place. A few weeks ago, I couldn't be that relaxed about it all. It's truly the grace of God that has brought me through. I can't wait to be able to tell all of you that God has blessed us with a child. I know that it will happen, and I pray that it is soon.

What is normal anyway?

Things are better. Still not amazing, but better. Most of the time, I can function like normal, but I still have moments every now and then, but they are becoming fewer. However, I do have to admit...Sunday wasn't the best. I was fine for most of the day, but I had to tell someone at church about the miscarriage. They hadn't heard, and asked how I was feeling. It was't pretty. I recovered fairly well, but later that day, when I was driving home from Wal-Mart, I just started crying. I was TOTALLY unprepaired for that. There was no obvious reason...I just felt like crying. So I did. And that is the part of this whole thing that I hate. Just when I feel like I am getting better, and that things are going good...BAM! I become a mess. Emotions are just crappy sometimes.

I did go back to see my specialist. He was really great about explaining everything, but still putting a positive light on it all. He asked me several times if I was sure I was ready to go on "tihs emotional roller coaster" again, telling me that he could tell me if my body was ready, but I am the only one who can tell if I am REALLY ready. And ya know what? I think I am. I really do. I know that it's still emotional at times, but we have been trying for over 3 years now. I think I NEED to move on in this way, or else I would dwell on it forever. So, he had the nurse prepare the progestrone shot, and now I am just waiting for the cycle to begin. Actually, it kind of has, and I will most likely be put back on my Femara by Wednesday.

So...that is where we are right now. It's still not completly back to normal, and I have come to terms with the fact that I may never be "normal" again. It's not normal to go through this kind of loss. But, thanks to the support of my family, and friends, along with the grace of God, I am making it. Day by day.

I'll keep you posted. Please keep praying.

Heart for Dwight

Please, take a moment and check out www.heartfordwight.com.

He is a wonderful man, and has an amazing family. I am blessed to call them friends.

Heal Me!

This week, I've scheduled two doctor's appointments. Today, my rheumatologist, and tomorrow, reproductive specialist. And now, I find myself in an interesting position.

You see, I have been diagnosed as having a form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis. Basically, that is just a fancy name for chronic inflammation in the back and other joints. I've been fairly lucky...only having one flair up in the last two years. However, this one is a whopper! My right ankle has been swollen now for about 2 months. At first, I treated it at home with ibuprofen. The next step was a steroid injection into my ankle. Then, prescription medication. And now, a new medicine. Just about any other time of my life, I would just say, "Okay," and take it on the chin. Right now, though, it's a bit complicated.

My hubby and I are still wanting a baby, and plan on pursuing it fully. We have been blessed with a wonderful son, but miscarried our second pregnancy this past May. I'm only 30 (nearly 31), so we figure...now is the time. But now, of all times, my arthritis comes roaring in, threatening to delay things again. Since we are wanting a baby, it limits the medications I can use. However, if I don't treat the inflammation, it can cause permanent damage. :o(

So...I am waiting until tomorrow. We will see our specialist, find out what we need to do to prepare/try for another pregnancy, and ask LOTS of questions. I am praying that all goes well, and we can proceed as planned. The new medication can be taken, but my rheumatologist said it will be stopped if I get pregnant, just to be safe.

I just really need healing right now! As silly as an ankle sounds, I need healing. I want the swelling to go away. I want the pain to subside. I want to be pregnant. I want my body to work!!!!!

Please pray for me. Pray for God's healing touch. I need it now, in so many ways.

Jon and Kate...

Okay...so there are blogs and web pages dedicated to the family of the hit reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8. Honestly, I have never seen a full episode, and would never classify myself as an avid fan. I would also never say that I am a qualified marriage counselor, but I feel that there are things that need to be said.

I hurt when I see marriages falling apart. My heart breaks for Jon and Kate, and the many, many others who are dealing with similar issues in their marriages. It's easy to point a finger and blame one spouse or the other, but what good does that do? NONE!

I can remember back to high school, when our pastor talked about the main causes of divorce. At that time, the two main causes sited were sex and money. Couples often complain about both, and it's either too much or not enough of them. Sadly, it looks like it may have hit Jon and Kate as well.

I'm not putting the full blame on Kate (as many in the media are doing), but I have to wonder if she has just gotten too caught up with the fame and money involved with the show. Money can change people, and it's not always for good. If you look back at the pictures taken when the show began, Kate doesn't even look like the same person.

On the other hand, Jon didn't seem to hate it too much. He isn't doing book tours, or dodging paparazzi, but he was there the entire time. A silent spectator in his own life. He admitted as much. He told us all that he has found his power again, and is trying to put his foot down. Well...good for you Jon, but it may be too late. It's kind of like raising kids. You can't let them do everything they want to do, never punish them for bad behavior and spoil them rotten for years and years and then wake up one morning and think, "I'm going to put my foot down now!" It just doesn't work that way.

But enough of my ramblings about the marriage of Jon and Kate. I can't make a fully educated observation. I wasn't there. In fact...no one was. It's between Jon and Kate. The cameras caught a glimpse, but we all know that editing has been done. And, in true form, media has taken what they want to see and hear, and made a story with it. My fear is that Jon and Kate are getting whisked away in the drama created by fame, money, and celebrity.

I'm not one to give up easily when it comes to the what I feel is important in my life, and I can only pray that Jon and Kate won't give up either. They have an opportunity in front of them. They can be a gleaming example of how marriages that struggle can recover. Yes, people change over time. We can grow, from our experiences.

I guess you can count this as my plea to Jon and Kate:

Don't throw in the towel just yet. Don't let the media dictate your life. If your marriage is important to you, and I pray that it is, work together to try and mend the cracks. Seek out wise counsel. PRAY. Individually and together. I know that marriages sometimes end, but I truly believe that they can be mended as well.

God, give Jon and Kate the wisdom they need in the days to come. Strip away all of the chaos that comes with fame and celebrity. Bring them back to the basics of their marriage. Mend their hearts as well, as they have been hurt and have hurt each other. Protect the children from all of the venom that has been spewed through the media. Guard their hearts. And, God, I ask the same for all those who are in similar situations. Place your healing hands on the marriages of this country...of this world. All for Your glory. - Amen

Friends

Gotta love friends and family! I don't know where I would be without them.

Seriously! It's plain and simple. I would be a total mess without my friends and family. As with anyone, there have been events in my life that I would much rather have just skipped. Everything from tragic moments, sad moments, embarrassing moments, and just plain ole stupid moments. Each and every one of them could have made me crazy, or even been my demise. But, THANK GOD, I have amazing friends and family to pull me through.

So, to all of you out there. I think you know who you are. THANK YOU!!! I can't say it enough, but please know that I truly cherish each and every one of you. God placed you in my life just when I needed you. We have cried together, worried together, sung together, and laughed together. I wouldn't have made it to where I am today without you.

Thanks! Thank you! Grasias! Merci! Vielen Dank! Dank u! Obrigado!

There aren't enough ways to say it!

Hot Mess

So, at this point, I feel like a hot mess. That's honestly the best I can describe it at this point. I don't have one teeny bit of control over my emotions, and I hate it! HATE it!!!

It seems to happen like this a lot lately. Every time I feel like I am making a real recovery...BAM! Out of nowhere come tears, anger, and everything else that comes with coping with a loss.

Today, some friends of mine were blessed with a baby boy. I am so happy for them as they enter this new chapter of their lives, but there is a part of me that just...well...hurts. It's so crazy to me! I knew they were having a baby, long before I found out about my own pregnancy. They are a young couple, with their first child. It's a beautiful time for them. And I really am happy for them. Honestly! But at the same time, it's like a scab has been picked at, and I am starting to bleed again.

Just thinking about them...I so badly want to be there to celebrate with them. Yet, I don't know that I can make myself go to the hospital and visit. Even now...tears well up in my eyes and I have to fight them back. It just seems silly to me that such a joyous time has to be tainted like this.

I know that some of you just think, "You just need to push through. You have to make yourself do it. There's no reason for you to be sad about this." Believe me. I have said all of those things to myself, but it doesn't stop the pain. I know that I need to keep on living. I know that I need to, at some point, be near babies. I know that I shouldn't be sad. This is a happy time! But my heart still hurts. There's a wound on my heart. One that I desperately want to heal. I know that it will take time, and I know that, even years from now, I will still feel the loss. I just can't help but be human, and want the pain to go away!

God, I'm trying to stay strong. I'm trying to keep my focus on you. I know that I can't see the same big picture that you see, but I want to...with all of my heart. I am trusting that you will use my pain to help someone else, because I know that it is your promise. You will use all things for the good of your kingdom. Help me to remember that, even in my darkest times. Thank you for your healing. Thank you for your compassion. Thank you for your sacrifice to make me whole. - Amen

Where Do I Go?

In the last few years, I have become a fan of author Neta Jackson. I first discovered her series The Yada Yada Prayer Group by accident when traveling to Arkansas for a friends wedding. I found myself anxiously awaiting the next installment of the series, and then devouring the book as soon as I could find it. Much to my dismay, that series, as all good things, eventually came to an end.


Well...luckily, Neta has done it again! She started a new series. It's still set in Chicago, still uses many of the same characters, but introduces a new set of characters as well. I received the first release from this series, Where Do I Go?, at Christmas. It seemed that there was always something going on, and I knew that I wanted to be able to really read this novel, so I had left it sitting on the table since December. Waiting for the perfect time so that I could just read. No other distractions. Just sit and read. Well...do you know anyone who has that kind of time? Seriously? I mean, I have a husband, a six year old son, two dogs, and a life that just won't sit still. So, I decided last week I was just going to do it. It's time to read!


The novel started out simple enough. Good setting. Good characters. Good plot. It's really an enjoyable read. However, it's not a simple read. At least not for me. I didn't really fully comprehend the title of the book.


Where Do I Go? Well...duh...when you are in trouble and life isn't what you expected...you go to God. Right? Right. It seems simple. Especially for someone who has grown up in church. But the more I read, the more I realized...this isn't just a simple, fun read for me. It's a reminder. I need to go to Him. Now, more than ever.


If you have read any of my past blogs, you know that my life hasn't been anything that I was expecting. My husband and I had plans for a family. We have been blessed with a wonderful son who enriches our lives daily. And our hopes were that we could grow our family even more in the following years. We tried for 3 years, finally getting a diagnosis of PCOS, and finding a specialist who gave us more hope. Finally, a pregnancy! We were so excited, and were praising God for this tiny little miracle. Unfortunately, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage.


I'm still dealing with all of the muddled emotions, and know that I will be for quite some time. There was a life lost. Grieving. Tears. Sadness. Anger. Wondering, "Why?". I know that all of the emotions are normal, but I honestly don't know where I would be without my faith.


Sunday's message was just another reminder (and encouragement). Pastor was very clear in delivering the truth. We have to make a decision. Our perspective...our attitude...our faith...it all will determine where we end up when trials come. Therefore...my prayer has been transformed. I am trying to change the focus from, "God, why me?" to a prayer of, "God, use me." God is not the author of my troubles, but He will use it for good. I may never see the fruits this side of Heaven, but I am holding on to that truth.

Please continue praying for me and with me, that I will keep the right perspective and the right attitude.

Spontaneous Combustion

Wow! I wasn't expecting that. (But, then again, a lot of things have been happening that I never expected.) I just received a call today from my pastor. He was just calling to let me know that he's been thinking of us and praying for us this week, and asked if we needed anything. Our pastor is a wonderful man, and I really do appreciate his call, but as soon as I hung up...I began to cry.

My husband and I have been healing slowly after the miscarriage of our tiny little baby. I thought I was doing pretty well. So well, in fact, that I was proud to say I have had a few tear free days. I couldn't help but think, "I'm beginning to heal. It's doesn't hurt quite as bad." Until today.

It's funny how tears can sneak up on you like that. Just when you think that you have a handle on things...BAM! The dam breaks, and the tears start to roll again. I'll never understand what sparks them, either. I just have to credit it to the fact that I am still in process of healing. Though, I have to admit, I wish there was a magic number. A date, or a time frame. Something to let me know that the end is near, and the tears will stop surprising me.

I guess if I out a positive spin on the whole situation I can say one thing. At least I made it through the phone call before the water works began. A week ago, I couldn't say that. Even a few days ago, that would be a stretch.

Thank God for friends and family who are willing to put up with my spontaneous combustion of tears!

Further down the road...

Well...it has been a full week since all of the chaos started. Mother's Day Sunday was when I noticed any problem with my pregnancy, and this past Sunday was the official end. I can tell you for certain, that I am no longer pregnant.

As hard as that is to share, I can't help but keep looking forward. Darrin and I are still wanting a baby, and we don't plan on giving up. In fact, I have already scheduled our appointment with the specialist so that we can discuss the next steps.

I'm am not, in any way, trying to live in denial. There is still a very deep wound on my heart, and I assure you all that I will never forget this past week. We lost our precious little baby. Too small for the world to meet, but none the less, a living being. We saw that tiny little heartbeat, and fell in love instantly. We don't know if it was a boy or a girl. We don't know which one of us the baby would look like. But I know that someday, we will see. We will hold our baby in heaven. Until that day, I have chosen to leave it all in God's hands.

We will be trying again for a baby...as soon as possible. I still have a hope that just won't be broken, and I believe that God will bless us with another child. Our hope has been placed in the hands of God.

A friend of mine sent an email today that encouraged me greatly. So, hear I am sharing it with all of you:

Hope in God Does Not Disappoint

I had waited for a decision that would directly affect my life in major ways. I began to look forward to the changes that would occur when the months of waiting were over. More than that, though, I looked to the Lord. His will would be perfect no matter what the outcome would be.

One Monday morning I received the anticipated phone call. The answer was "No." The opportunity I had dreamed about would not be offered.

I hung up the phone wondering if my spirit would fall after learning that these months of anticipation were answered with God's "No." Suddenly I was amazed to be filled with overwhelming joy. My daughter came into the room and while telling her about the phone call I was so overcome by joy that tears began to flow.

When an apology was offered a few days later, I could honestly say, "I'm not disappointed. I was hoping in God, not in you."

"Those who hope in me will not be disappointed" (Isaiah 49:23). Yet even that ability to hope, we must find in Him. Those who quietly rest in Christ, trust Him to supply not only that rest but the ability to rest. It would be foolish to think that we can experience rest through our own strength.

Jesus, please give me discernment to know when my hope is in something or someone other than You.

Life...it's not an easy journey.

So much has happened since I last sit down to blog. Mostly good, but definitely not all.

As many people know, my husband and I have been trying to have another child for some time now. Well...it finally happened. After years of trying, being sent to a specialist, changing medication, and lots of waiting...I finally had a positive pregnancy test!!! We were both so excited. The blood work all looked good, and we were even able to see a heartbeat at 7 weeks. Unfortunately, that is where the happiness of this story ends for now.

On Mother's Day, I knew something was wrong. I had a great lunch with my family, but when I went to the restroom, there was some blood. Not a lot, so I wasn't completely freaked out, but it was there. I went home, laid down, and prayed for the best. Monday, we went to the doctor, and he couldn't find a heartbeat. I was still holding on to a sliver of hope, reminding myself that we hadn't heard our son's heartbeat until 13 weeks. Still, the doc thought it would be a good idea to have an ultrasound, just to be safe.

At the imaging center, it didn't go any better. In fact, it was torture. Not that it physically hurt, or anything like that, but everything was pointing to a bad ending. The tech asked what our due date was, and I told her. November 23rd. Okay...she continued to take measurements, but I could tell that she wasn't seeing what she thought she should. Then she asked again, "Are you sure about your due date?" That was a HUGE red flag. I was absolutely POSITIVE of my due date, as we had been seeing a specialist, and tracking everything. I knew every important date on my cycle. The tech excused herself, telling us that she was going to get another person who works with more OB patients than her. Yeah...that made me feel better. When they came back, they went back to the screen, measuring away. I asked, "Are we seeing the baby?" All I got was, "Well...". Again, they excused themselves, leaving Darrin and I there...alone...in a cold room...still trying to hold on to that last microscopic ray of hope. When the original tech came back, I heard the words that shattered my heart. "Well, the radiologist has talked with your doctor, and he wants you to come back to the office."

That is when I broke down. Completely. I was still laying on the table, wailing in emotional pain. The tiny little life inside of me was obviously no longer there.

We returned to the doctor's office, and was led back to another exam room to wait for our doc. When he came in, I knew that I couldn't deny it any longer. There was no more hope left for this baby. Our baby had stopped growing at just 7 1/2 weeks. Our doctor was so amazingly compassionate, and I believe his pain and sorrow was as genuine as ours. You see, this is the man who has been there with us from day one. He is who led us to our specialist, and encouraged us all along the way. When I had told him that I was pregnant, he scooped me up in a hug so quickly, I nearly feel off the table. This time, I knew that he was grieving with us.

That was almost a week ago. Our doc has recommended a natural miscarriage, sometimes referred to as simply, "wait and see." The worst part of this option...I don't know how long it will take. I'll go in for a check-up soon, but, in the mean time, have to pray that my body will do it's job.

As you can imagine, this week has been the worst of my life. I've never been all that good at handling the crying moments, and now, they come up on me without warning. It's so foreign to me. This kind of grief is something that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. A part of me died, leaving a hole in my heart.

I have heard people say so many things. Some are very encouraging, but there are still those who think they are being positive and helping, only to be picking at the scab, reopening the wound left by this tragedy. Why do we think that we have to SAY something?!?! Believe me. Sometimes it is just better to say nothing. I have a new respect for those who know when it's just time for a hug and a look, showing that they are there and they are hurting for you too.

I have made a choice. I will thank God, even through my pain. I know that he will bring me though this, but I also know that it is a long journey. Matt Redman said it so perfectly in his song, "Blessed Be the Name."

Blessed be your name

When the sun's shining down on me

When the world's all as it should be

Blessed be your name.

Blessed be your name

On the road marked with suffering

Though there's pain in the offering

Blessed be your name.

Every blessing your pour out

I'll turn back to praise.

And when the darkness closes in, Lord

Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your name!

Blessed be the name of the Lord

Blessed be your glorious name!

Thank you God, for I know you will bring me through. Help me to stay strong in my faith, focused on You. My baby is with you, and for that I am grateful. I will hold my baby for the first time in heaven. Give me your peace that passes all understanding. Blessed be Your name!